July 18 2005

Please listen to my fartings

Please listen to my fartings

When plied with mysterious "bulbs" shy Japanese girls are transformed into "farting iron women" who will happily rattle the windows of their small Tokyo apartments on video as they compete for the coveted title of "Fart Queen."

Farting Iron Woman #1, Ruka Ichinomiya (pictured), sounds quite accomplished:

She is very beautiful Japanese girl, so nice. But her farts is very big sounds and very bad smell. her fartings amaze most of all persons. It's great. Perhaps she can be winner in farting contest.

Only if the farting contest excluded a car-load of fat middle-aged farangs returning from Pattaya after a heavy weekend of beer and junk food. Ruka Ichinomiya couldn't hold a candle to that level of flatulence - unless she's prepared to risk losing her eyebrows.

Fart Woman #3, Wakana, shares with us the secret of her prodigious farting abilities:

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July 17 2005

Marlboro man cruises Soi Cowboy

We ran into the Marlboro man in 7/11 on Wednesday night and invited him for a drink on Soi Cowboy. Despite his dodgy teeth, our diminutive new friend was a big hit with girls - but the cheeky twat didn't get a round in all night and he smoked like a bastard.

Marlboro man cruises Soi Cowboy

I didn't Photoshop this. It's a genuine Thai government heath warning. By law, all cigarette packets must now incorporate a range of gruesome photos - which include graphic images of diseased lungs and rotting teeth.

Another set of designs features miserable-looking Thai smokers with ghostly apparitions appearing in their smoke. Though baffling to Westerners, these images are intended to strike mortal fear into the hearts of superstitious upcountry simpletons.

July 12 2005

Tila Nguyen: Nude model & musician (allegedly)

Tila Nguyen: Nude model & musician (allegedly)

Violent Vietnamese vixen, Tila Nguyen, has posed nude in Playboy not once but six times. No other Asian babe makes the pages stick together quite like her but Tila hasn't always been the sultry queen of one-handed eastern glamour.

The tattooed ex-con suffered a deprived childhood in Houston, Texas and she's been jailed twice already. Tila's record of violence began at school when a couple of teachers "pissed her off" and she responded by "punching their lights out."

Happily for her admirers, six months in a "school for bad kids" failed to instill in Tila a proper sense of right and wrong and she subsequently dropped out to begin a life of partying, drug-taking and promiscuity in New York City. How she supported herself during this time is unknown but she doesn't look like the type to join the "enthusiastic team" at Starbucks.

She says "I grew up in an environment with a lot of drugs and shootings going on... lots of friends dying and sad stuff such as that. Nobody said it would be easy but there is a way out. You can start a new life for yourself... like me!" Unless you're old, fat, plain or reluctant to get your tits out for the lads, that is.

July 12 2005

Bar Girl Treasure Hunt

Bar Girl Treasure Hunt

With David Hasselhoff

Bar Girl Treasure Hunt is an entirely new game show format where you're the host, your bedroom is the studio and your favourite Thai bar girl is the sole contestant.

While the contestant is taking a shower, the host hides a small quantity of money somewhere in the studio before cueing-up a single track on his iPod - which must, of course, be equipped with the optional external speakers.

When she finally emerges from the bathroom, the contestant will be surprised and delighted to learn that she's the star of Bar Girl Treasure Hunt and, to collect her cash prize, she must find it before the music stops. Suitable tracks include Looking For You (I Was) by Patti Smith or anything by The Seekers.

Failure means taking "the walk of shame" empty handed so, as the frantic contestant begins to panic, the smiling host should give her plenty of clues. After all, if she were to lose, the prank would backfire spectacularly.

Imagine...

[Opening sequence fades. Celebrity host, David Hasselhoff, is reclining on a heavily-soiled mattress wearing only a towel]

July 10 2005

Steven Seagal duped by Indian tailor

Steven Seagal duped by Indian tailor

Finally, you're up before the Board of Directors. You've practiced the presentation a thousand times and had a new suit made to measure - a white polyester safari job with a Nehru collar. That Indian bloke on Sukhumvit said it was perfect for a thrusting young executive - so why are your bosses laughing? Has someone farted?

In the foyer of the Nana Hotel is D&D Ladies and Gents Tailors. To British cops "D&D" means drunk and disorderly. Little else could explain the sheer awfulness of the clothes on offer. However, the worst shirt I've ever seen graces the window of another Indian tailor's shop in Pattaya.

This blue and orange two-tone statement of individuality incorporates the silhouette of a human face. It's quite unique and would certainly get a guy noticed but my Thai girlfriend was singularly unimpressed. "If you wear shirt like this I not walk with you. No way. I cannot" she explained.

Steven Seagal duped by Indian tailor

Can you remember where you saw this eye-catching Mondrian-inspired leather jacket?

If this was Stickman, the first person to email me with the correct answer would win a tube of MyCream (the cream that allegedly sends your terak to heaven) but you'll get bugger all from me.

Customers aren't exactly queuing up to buy this stuff so most Indian tailors hire a tout to stand outside.

Thailand's most irritating touts can be found on the Pattaya seafront and a typical encounter goes something like this.

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