June 16 2005

Thai shemale donkey-punch

Violated by Thai ladyboys

Beer is the Thai shemale's best friend and, after a heavy night out on Soi Cowboy, I must have looked like a soft touch. "Walking like a crab" is the local expression for my condition - and it didn't go unnoticed.

Like mosquitoes, Thai shemales prefer to hover in the shadows as they wait for their inebriated farang meal-tickets to pass by - but they're considerably more difficult to swat (or donkey-punch). The poorly-lit area beside the Asoke Junction footbridge is prime habitat and it was here that my path was blocked by the area's alpha shemale.

I cupped a hand over my groin to deflect the inevitable "Bangkok handshake" but my big-handed admirer was unusually persistent. Sensing that a robbery was in progress, I turned to catch a second shemale reaching for my wallet.

Without pausing to think, I punched the six-foot (in heels) thug who was restraining me - somewhere between the waistband of his sprayed-on silver hot pants and the plunging neckline of his diaphanous baby-doll negligee - but, instead of finding a soft underbelly, it was like punching a teak log. He barely flinched.

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June 15 2005

Luk khrung: Mixed-race, mixed fortunes

Luk khrung: Mixed-race, mixed fortunes

Tiger Woods, Tata Young (See Tata Young: Sexy, naughty, bitchy) and Thongchai "Bird" McIntyre are perhaps the best known offspring of Thai mothers and foreign fathers.

Known locally as luk khrung, they're a small but highly visible minority in Thailand. If you're married to a Thai girl, you'll most likely end up fathering a few of your own.

Much admired for their pale skin and good looks, some famously end up working in TV and the music business. Life for the luk khrung isn't all romantic ballads and complementary finger buffets, however.

Unless I'm a fucken golf star, actor, or a fucken singer most Thais consider me a son of a hooker whose dad has left the bitch after the Vietnam War. I'm so sick of these people asking where my mother is from or how she met my dad. The same old fucken story over and over again.

This reader's mother actually came from a privileged background but the insinuations of his fellow Thais became so oppressive that he eventually quit the country.

June 11 2005

I'm hot & wet & ready 4 you

I'm hot & wet & ready 4 you

The Mona Lisa's enigmatic smile is a centuries-old puzzle but there's no mystery as to what's brightening up this fella's day - he's getting wanked-off by a tiny monkey.

The (uncropped) original was sent to me by Brian but, to prevent an awkward misunderstanding at Bangkok Airport, I've now deleted it from my hard drive.

Fortunately, some Mango Sauce readers also contribute material that I can publish. Pattaya Peter sent me this extraordinary example of Filipino medical malpractice from AdultFriendFinder.com:

I'M HOT & WET & READY 4 YOU

Member name: xxhot_wet, a 21 year old woman from Makati, National Capital Region, Philippines.

Last year I discovered sex, and I wanted to fuck all the time, I mean like everyday, and if I can't get off with a guy I use my finger, and on my doctors advice, last week I bought a rubber like penis that vibrates, it gets me off in minutes. He suggested this as he put it, because I am a Nympho, and should stop fucking these young guys as I would probably get pregnant or catch something. He felt that the safest way for me to continue having sex, was to restrict my sexual activity to older cacasian men. Who would be D/D free and would always practice safe sex.

June 4 2005

Win a date with a Soi Cowboy go-go dancer

Win a date with a Soi Cowboy go-go dancer

While we were out drinking last night, the Mango Sauce Nightlife Correspondent came up with the idea of awarding an exciting prize to the first reader to email us with the real nicknames of our favourite Soi Cowboy go-go dancers - as opposed to the new ones we've invented for them (See "The Rock" exposed as Soi Cowboy go-go dancer).

Under his proposal, one lucky Bangkok barfly would win a fully paid-up date with "The Rock" from Sheba's and, as tradition dictates, the runner-up would win two dates with her.

Sadly, I had to poo-poo the suggestion because, firstly, we haven't got a clue as to what their real names actually are and, secondly, because the Mango Sauce marketing budget barely covers the cost of a heavy-petting session with my Thai landlord's golden retriever.

Apparently, our busy Nightlife Correspondent has also been receiving mail:

Mr. S.B. from Huddersfield writes:

I met my girlfriend and gave her the nickname "Hippo Ears" some months ago. She says she goes out every night to baby sit for her sister. I am beginning to worry. Do you think she is the same "Hippo Ears" who dances in Suzy Wong's?

June 2 2005

Never cook for the wife

Romanian sexual misadventure dominates this week's Mango Sauce postbag - in the form of an unattributed newspaper cutting submitted by Big Dave:

Never cook for the wife

Perhaps as a consequence of bizarre sex-related accidents, the Romanians have acquired a reputation for imaginative cursing. Tanai Kwai sent me a handy guide to understanding Romanian expletives and these are the highlights:

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