May 31 2005

"The Rock" exposed as Soi Cowboy go-go dancer

"The Rock" exposed as Soi Cowboy go-go dancer

Recalling the Noi Nok Ning Nung nicky-nacky Noo nicknames of countless Thai go-go dancers can be rather taxing on the memory but my drinking buddies and I have devised a practical solution - we invent new names for them.

Top honours go to "The Rock" from Sheba's and "Edgar Davids" from the Rooster Bar for their uncanny resemblance to the wrestling megastar and the talented Dutch international respectively. It goes without saying they're not very pretty but jaded ex-pats might be tempted to short-time them just for the novelty value.

"Hippo Ears" from Suzy Wong's, on the other hand, is an absolute stunner - and is, presumably, also very easy to get a grip on. A special mention must also go to "Coat-Hanger Girl" from the same bar - upon whose nipples you could effortlessly hang out your washing.

I'm also acquainted with a shameless show-off who sometimes performs a rather brazen act on my thumb. One of my fun-loving chums calls her "Miss Lizard Girl" - and he explains why below - but I usually refer to her as "That Monster-Girl from The Ring" because she resembles a half-decomposed mop-haired corpse dredged-up from the bottom of a well... in a strangely sexy kind of way.

After an exhausting night of moving tiles around the board Mango Sauce's Scrabble team retired to its favourite bar. The usual suspects were dancing there including our favourite "Miss Lizard Girl" who spends most of her time crawling along the bar waving her delicious rump behind her.

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May 29 2005

Unmasking a Thai Internet con-girl

Unmasking a Thai Internet con-girl

Most romance-seekers who use the Internet to organise dates in Thailand know perfectly well that they're just fooling around with prostitutes but some unfortunate men become convinced that their girl is "different" or perhaps even "respectable" - a common misconception that devious Thai hookers are always eager to exploit.

In a previous article (See Is your Thai sweetheart really a con-woman?) I profiled the behavior of a typical Thai con-girl and offered suggestions as to how a marriage-minded farang might recognise one. On re-reading it, however, I now realise that putting my advice into practice would yield only circumstantial evidence - which is of little practical use when the presiding judge is getting expertly blown-off by the defendant.

To convince a love-sick fool that his adorable Internet dream-girl is really a yo-yo knickered common prostitute, a big smoking gun needs to be rammed firmly up his arse and discharged several more times.

The story of one particularly gullible Internet shopper who won't listen to reason (See Thai mail-order bride fuels mid-life crisis #2 - a tale that now includes several new episodes) has left me feeling more trigger-happy than a US marine patrolling the highway to Baghdad airport - so I'm now going to ask him to pull over at the Mango Sauce checkpoint, step out of his vehicle and bend over.

So long as the will exists to do it, catching an Internet con-girl with her knickers down is actually quite easy. Their deceptions are fairly crude and most can't be bothered to cover their tracks either. If a man is prepared to do his own dirty-work, hiring a private detective is quite unnecessary. This is how it's done:

May 20 2005

Rangsit blowjob row blows over

Here's the picture that, this week, provoked near-hysteria amongst Thai parents. It shows the female students of Rangsit University simulating oral sex - or "yum-yum" - on their male colleagues during "inappropriate" initiation rituals. Even the fat lasses are getting stuck in.

Rangsit blowjob row blows over

Our Mango Sauce Nightlife Correspondent kindly snipped it out of the Bangkok Post for me and added a few tongue-in-cheek remarks:

Readers will be pleased to know that after Mango Sauce's Scrabble team complained that Thai girls were not very accomplished at "giving head" (See "The Rock" exposed as Soi Cowboy go-go dancer) the Thai government has quickly responded by initiating a course in this very skill.

Our picture shows university students in course "Giving Head 101" practising the art of oral sex on fully clothed male volunteers. After mastering this technique the girls will progress next term to unclothed men.

May 7 2005

The ladies of Lumpini Park

The ladies of Lumpini Park

This week, our Mango Sauce Nightlife Correspondent checks out the action in Lumpini Park. He also tells me that, on the Greek island of Mykonos, bar owners are threatening to close at 11.00pm to protest against a law that forces them to shut at 4am "on weekdays." In a press statement, the irate owners argue that "on an island where partying begins at 2.00am in the morning it is inconceivable to close (so early)." I'm lost for words.

After a heavy weekend spent consuming too many Tiger beers, Marlboro Lights and chasing the tail of Miss Creeping Lizard Girl around the bar counter of Suzy Wong's, I resolved to commence a fitness campaign starting on Tuesday by going for an early morning walk around Lumpini Park.

At 8.00am I caught a taxi to the park (not wishing to overdo the exercise thing) and commenced my morning walk. After about two minutes what struck me was that everyone was walking anti-clockwise while I was walking clockwise. The next thing to strike me was that all the other walkers, who numbered a few thousand people, all seemed to be over sixty and were walking with such intent that they must have been practising for the "Geriatric Olympics" to be held in Beijing in 2008.

May 1 2005

Thai mail-order bride fuels mid-life crisis #2

Thai mail-order bride fuels mid-life crisis

After just 10 days in Bangkok, our naive, forty-something American with an anger problem has fallen madly in love with his Thai dream girl - and she's agreed to marry him (See Mail-order bride fuels mid-life crisis #1). Naturally, he's managed to convince himself that she's neither prostitute nor con-artist - despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary. His farang ex-girlfriend takes up the story:

Dear David

I have some more questions regarding my ex-boyfriend who went off to Thailand to find a mail order bride.

Just to recap in case you don't recall... This guy started corresponding with some Thai girls on the Internet while dating me in hopes of doing the Mail Order Bride thing. He went off to Bangkok for about 10 days in February... came back trying to keep things alive with me but I declined... and I basically ignored any further attempts he made to contact me until this last weekend.

This last Friday he came back into my life with all kinds of tales about how sorry he was, how special I was, how he was done with Thailand etc, etc. It turned out to be lies. He was just feeling lonely.

Anyway, we did talk about the "Thai thing." He said he met with one girl over in Bangkok. That she had not had sex - or so she said - for 11 years. But within 24 hours of first meeting they were going at it like a couple of rabbits.

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