September 22 2004
Mangosteen Poker: The sexy bet you can't lose
Thai bar girls will gamble on just about anything so, to win a few sexual favours, you could lure them into a game of Mangosteen Poker. It's more fun than Strip Poker because, unlike playing cards, mangosteens are delicious and, more importantly, you can't lose.
Like oranges, mangosteens contain a number of segments beneath a thick outer skin. They are perfect for gambling because this number always varies. In Mangosteen Poker, your bar girl adversary has to guess the number of segments before you break open the fruit but you have the distinct advantage of knowing the correct number beforehand.
If she guesses right and you guess wrong (which only happens when you want it to), your girl wins 20 baht but, if she loses, she has to perform a forfeit - like flashing her tits, for example. If you both guess right or both guess wrong, no one wins and you just eat the fruit together.
The more she loses, the naughtier the forfeits become so the latter stages of the game should be played in the privacy of your hotel room.
September 20 2004
Giant water beetle challenge
If a giant water beetle landed on your face, would you:
a) Run around shrieking like a big soppy girl.
b) Casually flick it to the ground and stamp on it.
c) Eat it.
At three and a half inches long, giant water beetles (maing daa) look absolutely monstrous but they're actually rather delicious and the Thais regard them as the nation's number one edible bug.
These days, they've become quite rare in the wild so most are raised on bug farms. A street value of 5 baht per insect makes this a lucrative business.
When you're faced with a giant water beetle for the first time - usually on Soi Cowboy - it's difficult to know which bits to eat and which to throw away. The meat makes good eating but the hard parts should be discarded.
- Pull the legs off and nibble any meat from the wet ends.
- Rip the head and wings off and throw them away.
- Detach the long abdomen and suck the paste out of it. If you're lucky, it will be full of chewy eggs.
- Prise open the thorax and enjoy the tuna-like meat inside.
September 16 2004
The Vampire of Siam by Jim Newport
With twenty million dollars in the bank, it goes without saying that Bangkok-based film critic, Martin Larue, enjoys the finer things in life. The poor over-privileged lad is feeling a bit jaded, however, so when impeccably-dressed French vampire, Ramonne, chops off his bodyguard's head and drains it like a ripe coconut he jumps at the chance to hang out with him for a while.
As well as sharing an interest in fine arts, extravagant living and exotic eastern culture, Martin and Ramonne also enjoy shagging prostitutes together - although Martin feels a little uncomfortable with Ramonne's tendency to carve them up and hurl their lifeless bodies from high balconies.
Aside from a bit of nagging from Martin's girlfriend, the Thai women in the book never utter a word. Their sole contribution to the narrative is to moan in ecstasy as they're having the blood sucked out of their labia - usually on tombstones.
In fairness, though, Ramonne isn't all bad. He sometimes vents his insatiable bloodlust on Pattaya paedophiles and other undesirables. He also has a soft spot for the girls of the Eden Club who normally escape with just cuts and bruises.
Eventually, though, the friends fall out over body-disposal issues and Martin becomes convinced that the evil Ramonne must be destroyed.
September 15 2004
This is how we fuck it up
Entitled "This is how we do it," this photo from Monday's Bangkok Post shows Bangladesh police chief, Shahadul Haque, listening attentively as officers of the police traffic control centre explain how they direct traffic in gridlocked Bangkok.
"I'm going to Bangkok to study traffic control, darling" is the weakest excuse I've ever heard for visiting Thailand but at least Mr Haque now has a convincing picture to show his wife.
September 12 2004
Naughty Mr Heffalump buys Thai bride
Naughty Mr. Heffalump receives a big box from Thailand and the animals of Magic Meadow try to guess what's inside.
Mrs. Cat thinks it's a big cake for everyone to share. Patrick Penguin thinks it's a telescope for looking at the stars. Spider frog thinks it's a truck to give everyone rides.
It is, in fact, a sexy young Thai lady who wants to give Mr Heffalump the ride of his life.
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/ashen1/
ashen/cartoon/heffalump.html
September 9 2004
New Thai wife on the menu
When you return to Farangland with a new Thai wife, integrating her into your social circle can sometimes present a bit of a challenge - particularly if she's enjoyed a colourful life. Two years ago, a friend of mine arranged his Thai wife's social debut - and she certainly made a big impression.
Wisely, he'd married a girl his own age but, like many Asian women, Noi (not her real name) looked much younger than she actually was. Their relationship was a happy one but he still felt anxious about the reception they would get from his friends and their farang wives. Cooking was Noi's strong suit so they decided to invite everyone over for a meal.
The Thai menu was carefully chosen to appeal to farang tastes. Naturally, the male dinner guests were secretly hoping that Noi would emerge from the kitchen in thigh-boots with a twat-full of ping pong balls but their disappointment was largely offset by the quality of the food she'd prepared.
Noi smiled a lot but was too shy to join the conversation. To draw her out of her shell, the farang wives praised her food - but they also advised her that it was a little too spicy. With half a bottle of red wine inside her, the hostess finally decided to speak - and she gave the farang girls some advice in return.
"Good food, good suck, good fuck, good sex and your husband not leave you" she explained.
September 7 2004
The collected wisdom of M
M hasn't made it to Thailand yet but a lifetime's pursuit of pleasure in the pubs, clubs and betting shops of Britain's industrial northeast has taught him a thing or two.
Today, he shares this wisdom with us.
- Never buy a woman a second drink until she gets one in.
- Always wear a johnnie, unless its a gobbler like.
- Once you're settled down, never give your real name or address.
- In a fight, kick for the knees and run like hell.
- Always carry your CIU card - working men's clubs are cheaper than pubs.
- Pea and ham soup is your fixer if you're bad with the beer.
- If you don't fancy the favourite in a handicap, always back the top weight.
- Women love being picked in front of their mates. Go for second best, buck her and then go for the better one later.
He hasn't said anything avoiding the girls with big hands but I don't suppose you get many of those in Tyneside.
September 5 2004
Coolthaihouse.com: Build a house in Thailand
After meeting the girl of your dreams in Thailand, you might want to build the house of your dreams here too. Mango Sauce reader, Dozer, built his in Pattaya - and it cost him less than a million baht (US$25,000).
The entire adventure is chronicled on Dozer's own website. Everything that he wished he'd known before starting out is explained in detail. There are no ads and he's not selling anything. His excellent website is a labour of love - and it's required reading for anyone who dreams of building a house in Thailand.
Farangs aren't allowed to own property in Thailand so, before he could buy his plot of land, Dozer had to register a company. Buying the land in the name of a special Thai lady is another option but, in my view, this is very unwise. The legal complexities of company registration are fully explained on Dozer's website.
September 1 2004
American woman wants a date in Thailand
Today's mission is to find a suitable partner for a 48 year old American woman who wants to relocate to the remote north of Thailand - but it's not going to be easy.
Hello, my name is Rossa and I live in the USA. I have just come back from a trip to Thailand and I enjoyed my visit there so much that I decided to purchase a home in Pha Hin. I am 48 years old and a professional woman with many businesses in the US and soon to start a few businesses in Thailand. I am single with no children.
I am seeking to meet a professional gentleman for dating and a possible long term relationship when I return to Thailand. I do not speak Thai so I would be seeking someone who also speaks English. Do you know of any excellent personal sites where I might find quality gentlemen interested in meeting quality US females for a long term relationship? If so, I would appreciate any help you can give.
I am very attractive and in good shape. I was born in Italy but raised in the USA. I hold a masters degree in English. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you. Rossa.
Hi Rossa. I'm afraid that Thailand is rather short on excellent personal sites where you might find quality gentlemen interested in meeting quality US females. The specialist Thai introduction agencies are only interested in matching financially-motivated local women with naive foreign men.
I'll do what I can to help but I have to warn you that your chances of success are slim. Even in the first flush of youth, single Western women living in Thailand often remain single. It's not that there's anything wrong with them - it's just that every eligible Western man in Thailand is constantly bombarded with charming invitations from beautiful young Thai girls. Consequently, ordinary middle-aged Western men are as unobtainable as movie stars.
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