August 31 2004
Hua Hin: Home of the Thai cavalry
In the first of a series of special reports from popular beach destinations (See Beaches just a taxi-ride from Bangkok), our Mango Sauce Travel Correspondent visits Hua Hin - and reveals the smelly truth.
Last weekend, we took a trip by train to Hua Hin. It takes a little longer than driving but, as the road to Hua Hin is a little like a demolition derby, it's much more relaxing and you have a fairly good chance of reaching your destination in one piece.
We found a nice hotel, had a good evening meal and next morning took our towels and lay down on the beach. After closing our eyes for a couple of minutes we heard and felt the ground vibrate as we seemed to be in the middle of a mini earthquake. Six horses roared by raising large clouds of sand. Minutes later they returned doing the same again. What was going on? We didn't realize that we'd booked a holiday in the middle of Aintree Racecourse.
After this exhibition of machismo riding the swarthy looking horsemen dismounted and proceeded to walk their horses along the beach, who after their morning gallop, proceeded to deposit large turds in the sand and on the sea shore at frequent intervals.
Thinking a swim would be nice, we ventured into the sea but we soon discovered that we were swimming in a sea of effluent as round green turds floated by. Not content with fouling the beach, numerous Thai men were also engaged in roaring up and down the seashore on jet skis endangering the life of anyone foolish enough to try swimming.
August 29 2004
Chinese police don't mess around
During the height of Thailand's ya-ba craze, hardly a week went by without live TV coverage of yet another hostage drama and the cause was always the same. A disturbed drug addict would place someone in danger - usually a child - and then be surrounded by cops. The standoff could sometimes last for hours but, as the guy became tired, officers would instinctively know when to pounce - but it still took considerable bravery on their part.
Sent in by Tanai Kwai, these undated pictures show a Chinese cop dealing with a similar situation. He won't be winning any bravery awards, however. Entitled "Chinese police don't mess around" these photos are a study in brutality. Don't follow the link if you're easily shocked.
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Kid held hostage by bad guy. |
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Cop surveys situation. |
August 28 2004
Buffalo won't dump cheating Pattaya hooker
Shu Qi would make quite a good catch (See Shu Qi: Actress and nude model) but some fellas are a little less discerning. Mango Sauce reader, Andy, fell in love with an alcoholic, deaf and dumb, illegal immigrant Pattaya hooker with two black eyes. Even when she took to nude base-jumping without a parachute and beating her head on marble floors, his affection for her didn't waver.
Andy gallantly rescued his dusky damsel in distress and took good care of her family. All he wanted in return was her loyalty but what he actually got was a painful lesson in human nature. The Thais say "don't stroke the dog or it will lick your face" but Andy was convinced that his kindness would be rewarded. His dream was of a shared life in a little house nestling in the Shan hills - but, to her, he was merely a buffalo and she completely took the piss.
Andy already knows that the situation is hopeless but he can't bring himself to dump the girl. His sympathy for her borders on Stockholm Syndrome. Before reaching the end of his email, I too was banging my head on the floor.
Well, today I am one pissed-off farang. Let me tell you why. A few years ago, I took a holiday in Thailand. I fell in with an English family at our stopover in Germany and they said they were heading to a beach resort called Pattaya. They said I would enjoy it and I should tag along.
I soon realised that there was more fun to be had than on a day trip to Southend and, inevitably, I woke up late next day, hung over, with a Thai girl in my bed.
August 24 2004
Prime Minister Tony Blair gets Mangoed
10 Downing Street (http://www.number-10.gov.uk) is the official website of the British Prime Minister Tony Blair. In other words, it's his blog - except that it's put together by a small army of highly-paid political advisers and civil servants.
In what must be a huge personal blow to the Prime Minister, web stats giant, Alexa, revealed today that his website is, in fact, considerably less popular than Mango Sauce - an obscure personal blog cobbled together by a washed-up middle-aged farang in a small Bangkok apartment.
The world has scorned Tony Blair's blog so, in the interests of restoring British national pride, I've decided to take him under my wing.
Dear Prime Minister Blair
Recycling your speeches and press briefings impresses no one. You should sex-up your blog with some better material.
Do you remember chartering a Concorde to New York after 9/11? The taxpayer had to foot the bill but it was a great photo opportunity. As the world's press looked on, you stepped from the gleaming white jet to offer your condolences to a grieving nation - and cracked your head on the cabin door. It was priceless.
August 23 2004
Kesarin "Nong Nat" Chaichalermpol: Thai Porn star
Big-titted Thai porn star, Kesarin "Nong Nat" Chaichalermpol, made the headlines recently when she was vilified on a popular TV show by Police General Visut Vanichbut.
According to General Visut, the cheeky Thai vixen was guilty of "indecent exposure for profit" - a despicable offence witnessed by millions of porn-loving bystanders across the globe.
Gripping the remote with his free hand, Visut had forced himself to watch her steamy hard-core sex movies. Later, he insisted that Nong Nat should join him for a private screening and some "questioning" - otherwise, she would be arrested.
After their hour-long porno session, General Visut reported that Nong Nat "looked emotionally drained and said that she had been crying." Her tissues were probably scattered all over his office.
In real life, as in her movies, Nong Nat's story may have a happy ending. She claims that offers of work have been flooding in from mainstream media companies.
August 22 2004
Marge Simpson spotted in Thailand
This young lady was performing classical Thai dance in our local park. She reminded me of someone...
August 21 2004
Farang girls who pay Thai men for sex
"I've never heard of a western woman having to pay a Thai man. That's ridiculous" says naive Mango Sauce reader, Nong (See Three faces of female sex-tourism in Thailand).
Hannah Duguid of Britain's Daily Mirror has now blown the lid on their shameless whore-mongering. Spotted by Basil Brush, this story is entitled "Brit girls who pay Thais for no-strings sex."
The teenage woman takes a long look at the menu. She makes her choice and the waiter disappears to fetch her order. He returns with a fit, beautiful, young man.
Ruth Evans is 19 and from Manchester. She is in a male brothel in Thai capital Bangkok - and has just ordered a prostitute for the evening.
She will buy him drinks, they will chat and dance. Later, if she wants, she can pay him £22 (1,600 baht in the local currency) to go back to her hotel and have sex with her.
"It's a real power trip," says Ruth. "A lot of girls come out here looking for sex with a Thai man. This is safer than going round the bars and picking one up."
August 19 2004
Laundry Man by Jake Needham
When the barbed-wire swathed body of one of his Washington law partners is found weighed down in a swimming pool, renowned money laundering expert, Jack Shepard, wonders if he's chosen the right career.
The surprise offer of a professorship at Chulalongkhorn University finally persuades him to relocate to Bangkok - but his hopes for a quiet life are soon dashed.
Shepard's past comes back to haunt him in the shape of a phone call from his supposedly dead law partner, Barry Gale, who has reinvented himself as the front-man for the Asian Bank of Commerce - an international bank notorious for its involvement with crime syndicates, terrorists and intelligence agencies.
This isn't a social call, however. The bank has been cleaned out by a massive accounting fraud and Gale knows that his mafia cronies will be less than impressed when they find out. He wants Shepard to find the missing millions - and then to steal them back.
Laundry Man by Jake Needham is a stylish and intelligent thriller set against the background of corruption and money laundering in Asia. Dark secrets are revealed and old loyalties are tested as Shepard follows a trail of deceit that leads him from Manila to Bangkok to Hong Kong and, finally, to Phuket.
August 17 2004
Farang crook poses as Thai bride
The smiling face of would-be mail-order bride, Thaee Maiyuran, once appeared regularly on the pages of legitimate Thai/farang matchmaking websites such as Oneandonly.com. Dozens of foreign suitors emailed the pretty Thai girl, completely unaware that they were, in fact, corresponding with a 50 year-old German bloke called Rudiger Reischert.
Our very own Mr Peter dropped Thaee a line but, instead of receiving a sweet and carefully misspelled reply, he was emailed by the Thai police. They told him that Reischert had been arrested. After swindling around half a million baht from lonely farang men, the conman was now facing up to seven years in jail.
His scam was simple. "Thaee" would promise to meet the men in their own country if they wired "her" money for visas and flights.
In the months that followed, arrivals lounges all over Farangland echoed to the tearful cries of love-sick farang men clutching wilting bouquets - but at least they were spared the sight of a fat middle-aged German puckering-up for a kiss. None of them heard from Thaee again.
August 16 2004
Thai food: Dancing shrimps & ant-egg soup
The Thai food on the menu in Farangland seem to suggest that the average Thai person lives on an unvarying diet of pad Thai goong, tom yam soup, and chicken green curry but nothing could be further from the truth.
Spicy Isaan food is my Thai girlfriend's favourite but not all Isaan restaurants are the same. A select few serve regional dishes guaranteed to have most westerners retching over a bucket. We dined at one of them last night and my girlfriend ordered the scariest dishes on the menu.
Dancing shrimps are eaten while they're still alive. They wriggle and jump even after you've put them in your mouth. You'd leap about too, if someone smothered you with a hot chilli dressing. The serving-bowl looked like a prison riot so we put a plate over the top to prevent the crazed inmates from scaling the wall.
Next up was ant-egg soup - with an extra portion of ant eggs on the side. Laid by common red ants, these large white eggs resemble grains of overcooked rice. If no one told you what they were, you'd probably be none the wiser.
We also ordered the ubiquitous som tam (See Painful pleasures: Thai chilli willy) and piles of sticky rice. It was all very tasty but I paid the price today.
August 15 2004
Don't discard those Pattaya condoms
Indian construction workers use more than a billion condoms each year but it's got little to do with their virility.
Basil Brush spotted this bizarre story in the Daily Telegraph - entitled "India's condoms are missing their target."
Millions of the condoms distributed free in India to combat Aids and population growth are being used for other purposes such as waterproofing roofs, reinforcing roads and even polishing saris, say health workers.
Others are being dyed and turned into children's balloons, or become water carriers or protective coverings for soldiers' guns.
In fact, only a quarter of the 1.5 billion condoms manufactured annually in India are being "properly utilized", says a report by doctors at King George's Medical University in Lucknow. Almost 900 million are meant to be handed out free for birth control and to curb the spread of HIV. But many are siphoned off by unscrupulous officials and are used by builders.
Some are mixed with concrete and tar, producing a smooth and crack-resistant road surface. Others are used as waterproofing. Builders spread a bed of condoms beneath the roof's cement plastering to keep out the monsoon rain.
August 13 2004
Nana Plaza girl dupes love-sick farang
Michael (not his real name) met a beautiful Thai go-go dancer in Nana Plaza. Although he paid for it, the sex was the best he'd ever had. Somehow, though, she managed to convince him that she wasn't really a prostitute.
In his bid to bring her back to the US, Michael emailed me for advice.
Dear David
I have been reading article after article on the internet on visas for Thai girlfriends coming to the USA and how difficult it is. I have a couple questions.
I just spent 10 days with a wonderful Thai girl in Koh Samui. I met her on the street in Nana Plaza after she finished dancing at one of the go-go bars. Her story was interesting but unbelievable. She said when she was 20 (she's now 26) she moved to Holland with her Dutch boyfriend. He also had a business in Canada. She spoke fluent Dutch and had all the visas and stamps in her passport to prove it.
She stayed there for five years but moved back to Thailand after they broke up 5 months ago. He has continually sent her 10,000 baht a week. She spent all of the money on a house she is building for her parents. She is a farm girl from Nachon Rachasima and, although she speaks Lao, Thai, Dutch and English, she can't read or write.
She told me over and over that she and her girlfriend were bored and came into the city to drink and see if they could pick up some money. However, she said that she had only worked at the go-go bar for one night and I was the first man to solicit sex from her. I did give her money for our time together.
August 12 2004
Farang refused sex by go-go dancer
When the drinks prices go up in Nana Plaza's go-go bars, some farangs vote with their feet - or say that they will. In reality, though, the beer costs just three times what it does in 7/11 and the view is considerably better.
It's just another example of pampered ex-pats whining about the hardships of living in bloke-heaven (See Stop whining you jammy farang bastard). A quick trip to Farangland might lower their expectations a little.
Last year, a Hong Kong-based mate of mine visited a New York lap-dancing club for the first time. He loves his sleaze and never asks the price.
Two cocktails and a bottle of chilled Champagne later, one of the plastic-titted Barbie dolls led him to a VIP room. She explained that they could enjoy intimate conversation and a private show. "When do we get down to business?" he asked.
Barbie looked at him as if he'd gone mad. She made it abundantly clear that he wasn't going to touch her, let alone shag her. He told her to forget it and, after settling the exorbitant bill, went back to his hotel room for a lonely wank.
August 11 2004
Beaches just a taxi-ride from Bangkok
Good food, cheap beer and somewhere reasonably comfortable to put your Thai girlfriend through a lengthy sexual ordeal are the key ingredients for enjoying a relaxing weekend at the beach.
If you can't be bothered with flying, an ordinary Bangkok taxi can drive you to any one of several pleasant beach resorts by lunchtime - for between 1,000 and 1,800 baht.
Pattaya is cheap and sleazy but, given that 99% of Mango Sauce readers have already been there, I'll say no more about it. Just don't bring the wife.
Cha-am boasts one of the longest beaches in Thailand and is favoured by Thai families. The sleaze is low key and of very low quality. Most hotels are what the guidebooks refer to as "clean and basic" - in other words, crap. Overall, the resort is cheap and blessed with an overabundance of squat-toilets.
Hua Hin is Cha-am's upmarket neighbour and is very popular with Nordic families. The beach would be quite nice if it weren't for dozens of horses pissing and shitting all over it but you can lounge by the pool at one of the resort's half-decent hotels instead. The sleaze is confined to a single street of shame.
August 10 2004
Farang conman robs Thai women
Posing as a senior executive, Skip (not his real name) introduces himself to rich Thai women in upscale nightspots. His charming, confident manner and impeccable dress-sense certainly make him look the part.
His talk is of stylish living, lavish houses and luxury cars but, in reality, a couple of decent suits and a battered rucksack are all he owns. Skip has never held down a proper job in his life, preferring instead to make his living separating rich gullible Thai women from their money.
The Thai media likes to present farang men as shrink-wrapped off-the-shelf husbands with a house and car included in the box - a Thai woman's dream come true. Consequently, farang blokes are often presumed to have integrity - which plays right into the hands of slimy conmen like Skip.
He chatted-up one of my Thai girlfriend's wealthy mates last year. Let's call her Fon. His saccharine patter soon won her heart - but not her complete trust. When she refused to "lend" him money on various flimsy pretexts, Skip finally resorted to the lowest trick of all - rifling though her purse while she was in the shower.
August 9 2004
Silom Road tuk-tuk wheelie
Noisy, uncomfortable and downright dangerous, the infamous Bangkok tuk-tuk is the preferred ride of every first-time tourist. Inevitably, though, most soon grow tired of the driver's "Manches-ter U-nai-tet" mantra and his enthusiasm for jewellery-scams and overpriced massage parlours.
Comfortable air-conditioned taxis are cheaper and the majority of drivers are honest so why would anyone in their right mind choose to travel by tuk-tuk? Some jokers do, though, and this week I found out why.
Making my way down Silom Road one evening, I noticed two fat farang blokes in the back of a speeding tuk-tuk. They didn't look like tourists but my mild puzzlement quickly turned to astonishment as their vehicle launched into a spectacular wheelie.
The heavily-laden tuk-tuk lifted-off just outside the entrance to Patpong and touched down again in front of Robinson's department store - some 50 metres away.
Throughout the duration of their brief flight, the gleeful charioteers were cheering loudly and punching the air with their fists. It was a truly incredible stunt that had onlookers doubled up with laughter.
August 8 2004
My evil boss gets reincarnated
Many years ago, I worked for a total bastard. Hated by everyone, his countless misdeeds included bullying typists, soliciting bribes from suppliers and, most seriously of all, allocating me work. Fortunately, though, the gin bottle rendered him a spent force by lunchtime.
We didn't keep in touch but I'm fairly certain that the miserable old bugger must be dead by now. I saw this picture in yesterday's Bangkok Post and I take it as a sign.
Thai Buddhists regard reincarnation is an established fact and many of them believe that the reborn keep their distinguishing features - birthmarks, for example.
Interestingly, there's an even-money chance that you'll come back as a woman but, despite the fact that he might soon be working as a sexy Thai go-go dancer, banging your granddad before he croaks would obviously be jumping the gun.
August 7 2004
Where Nobody Knows Your Name
[To the accompaniment of the theme from Cheers - and with apologies to Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo]
Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got
Browsing Mango Sauce during office hours sure would help a lot
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you want to goÔø?
Where nobody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You wanna be where you can see
Thai bar girls are all the same
You wanna be where nobody knows
Your name
Thousands of Internet-savvy office skivers have made Mango Sauce what it is today - 10 minutes of Thai-related fun sandwiched between catching-up with the sports news and admiring the beauty of the cum-splattered female form. Incredibly, though, there are still those who question its value.
August 5 2004
Numpty Dumpty had a great maul
As we all know, when a Thai woman catches her partner cheating, it's customary for her to chop-off his penis and feed it to the ducks. Today, however, this painful story features a new and unexpected twist - a spectacularly dim-witted numpty who tried to beat the chicks at their own game.
Mango Sauce reader Dave snipped this testicle-retractingly hideous story from last week's Saturday Argus - entitled "Rebuffed Thai cuts off his own penis."
A migrant worker from Myanmar cut off his penis on Friday after drinking himself into a rage when his wife refused him sex, Thai police said.
Po Dong, 29, a dock worker at the Thai port of Samut Prakan, attempted intercourse with his wife, Kate, on Thursday night.
When she refused he stayed up all night drinking whiskey and made another attempt on Friday, Samut Prakan Police Major Narong Simsawat said.
When this attempt at intimacy also was rebuffed, Po Dong flew into a rage and severed his penis with a pair of scissors. He then cut the severed member into several pieces and stabbed himself in the stomach while screaming abuse at his wife.
He was reported in serious but stable condition on Friday afternoon.
That'll teach her!
August 4 2004
Mango Sauce 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004)
Clair: Hi-ya, Ali. Oooooo... lovely blouse.
Alison: Mmmm, it's Prada. Your hair looks fantastic.
Clair: I've just had it done.
Together: Lovely!
Bob: You look like shit.
Alan: Shut your pie 'ole, baldy.
Bob: Someone needs to take you in hand.
Alan: Tell that to your boyfriend.
Women rarely participate in internet forums like Mango Sauce. In the real world, they live in a bubble that shelters them from good-natured argument so they often feel intimidated by a robust exchange of views. Brainy Isobel II, however, is the exception that disproves the rule. She uses her academic prowess to take on the scariest monsters lurking in the Mango Sauce basement - just like Velma off Scooby Doo.
The eerie spectacle of a chain-rattling Mr Peter clomping about in a deep-sea diving suit has failed to scare her away and she's now become a regular and valued contributor. She's a bit pissed off about some of my articles, though.
I've found a lot of the articles useful because it mirrors some of my own observations. Some of the comments and slant of the articles about farang women piss me off but this is how you see/represent it.
We all know that there are loads of attractive and likeable farang girls out there but to repeat this in every posting would be stating the obvious. My rants are not directed at them. It's the loutish element that I object to.
August 3 2004
Mot quits Nana Plaza for porn stardom
This stunning Thai go-go dancer was once the undisputed superstar of Rainbow 1 in Nana Plaza. Her name is Mot and Mango Sauce reader Jim snapped this picture back in 1999.
A veteran of over 60 visits to Thailand, Jim reckons that Mot is the prettiest girl he's ever seen and a genuinely nice person too - an unlikely combination which probably makes her unique.
Sadly, just twenty-four hours after this photo was taken, Mot was hit by a car and seriously injured. It was another six months before she could return to her chromium pole at Rainbow 1.
The physical scars had healed but Jim sensed that her old confidence was gone. She told him "I no more beautiful" and confided that she would now "do anything" to make money.
A few months later, Mot vanished from the scene and Jim lost touch with her. Recently, however, he spotted her again on a website called 88square.com.
Now going by the name "Vivian Lin" she has, it seems, embarked upon a glittering new career as a porn star.
August 2 2004
My Silom Soi 4 Thai gay experience
In Thailand, the guava is known as a farang fruit - but it never crossed my mind that the locals might actually mistake me for one.
Last week, when I put on a purple shirt, my Thai girlfriend suggested that I might look better in a blue one. She's never been keen on it but, this time, I pressed her for a reason. Reluctantly, she explained that, in Thailand, men wear purple to advertise their homosexuality.
I wish that she'd told me sooner. For years, it seems, I've been walking around Bangkok looking like a slightly overripe farang fruit. This solves the puzzle of why impeccably-dressed young Thai men were always asking me for directions.
In areas popular with westerners, you can hardly fail to notice the extraordinary number of Thai gays walking hand in hand with their farang sugar-daddies. Nowhere is the phenomenon more obvious than on Silom Soi 4 - the Bangkok hang-out of the style-conscious guava. Here, well-preserved farang men sporting the latest teenage fashions can often be seen sharing special moments with their youthful Thai buddies.
Readers might be surprised to learn that I went drinking there last week - but, before anyone gets the wrong idea, I'd like to make it absolutely clear that the only dark secret lurking in the Mango Sauce closet is my never-to-be-worn-again purple shirt (See My Bali gay slur #1 and My Bali gay slur #2).
August 1 2004
Farang women on endangered list
Britain's native red squirrels have been largely pushed aside by immigrant grey squirrels from North America and there are now thought to be just 160,000 left. Wayne Rooney's recent bust up with his fiancee could be the last straw for them.
For those unfamiliar with the loveable scally scamp, he's England's star striker and, like most men with a few quid in his pocket, Wayne also enjoys shagging prostitutes - which is reportedly why his girlfriend, Coleen McLoughlin, flung her $38,000 engagement ring into a bush at the Formby Point squirrel sanctuary near Liverpool.
$38,000 might be pocket-change to the excitable Coleen but, considering that it could buy almost two years of daily two-girl action at the Eden Club, it's hardly surprising that Formby Point visitor numbers have soared. Hordes of bubble-permed Indiana Joneses are said to be crashing through the undergrowth with metal detectors concealed under their shell-suits. It's yet more bad news for the red squirrels.
If the authorities were to lift the rules that restrict the free movement of stunning Thai babes, conservationists warn that the indigenous women of Farangland could soon suffer a similar fate. The grey squirrel owes its success to gathering food more quickly than the red but, paradoxically, the Thai woman owes much of her success to gathering food more slowly than her lumbering rival.
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
December 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
