July 29 2004
Young stud seeks new life in Thailand
Life in Thailand feels pretty good when you've got a beer in one hand and a bikini-clad go-go dancer in the other. In a country where the cash-strapped locals offer unlimited blow-jobs to smiling tourists, it's easy to understand why visitors keep flocking back year after year - but it's not entirely clear why anyone would want to become a cash-strapped local.
Interestingly, despite the obvious drawbacks, thousands of eager young studs with cash-flow problems do plan to relocate to Thailand this year - and here's a typical email from one of them.
When I came back... I felt so shitty, till this day. My hate to the western world has become bigger and bigger... people seem only to be interested in money and career. I want to go back... I want to build something up. I'm not only interested in the Thai women. For example, the nature, Buddha, the food ... it just makes me feel home.
Right now I'm working full-time to save money, ALL for Thailand... I can't hold it longer then max. 6 months then I want to get in the plane, and fly back. I don't expect to bring a lot of money with me... about 5000 Euros.
My real dream-idea is to buy, or first hire land, and later buy land, to build my own small house (if it's like a den, I don't care... sleep, eat, shit.... I'm satisfied for quite a while) but I'm not happy to hear the stories about getting and holding a visa, and what about work? Maybe u can tell me more?
The secret of a happy life in Thailand is financial independence - because earning money here is very difficult. When a solvent guy asks for advice, it's easy to point him in the right direction. A little money goes a long way here and the buying power of a Farangland income increases by four or five times. This is good news for those living on an investment income or working for a multinational company but it's of little comfort to horny dreamers with limited resources.
July 28 2004
Pattaya jumper blames intelligence failures
Due to the technological superiority of their armed forces, America and its allies can always count on crushing their third-world opponents in a conventional war. So why do they get defeated so often? Poor judgement is the most likely explanation for these foreign policy bloopers - but our leaders often prefer to blame "intelligence failures."
Many ordinary farang fellas also underestimate the resolve of their third-world adversaries - Thai bar girls - but very few would admit to having poor judgement. They too prefer to blame intelligence failures - "The bitch lied to me!"
Like beefy US Marines, we are better educated, better equipped and better funded than our enemies and, given that we hold all the cards, victory seems assured. However, as our political leaders know only too well, Johnny foreigner doesn't always play by the rules
In Vietnam, worn down by the guerrilla tactics of the Vietcong, the US administration opted for a chaotic airborne exit from the rooftop of their Saigon embassy. In Thailand, worn down by the cheating tactics of Thai bar girls, many farangs opt for a chaotic airborne exit from the balcony of their Pattaya apartment - but most neglect to book a helicopter first.
We need to reconsider our battle strategy. If the US and its allies can deploy high-tech weapons in combat, then so can we. Last week, we learned about a device that can disrupt bar girl command and control networks (See Rude Thai bar girls foiled by phone jammer) and, today, we'll be learning about another important weapon in the War on Error - the polygraph.
July 27 2004
Noo nah hoo-hah
My favourite breakfast restaurant has another equally regular customer - but he always runs away without paying. He is, in fact, a rat - known in Thailand as a noo - and a very resourceful one too.
Blocking his hole is pointless because he just pops up somewhere else. Poisons and traps have also proved ineffective. Over the last six months, the crafty beast has survived more assassination attempts than Pakistan's General Musharraf - and the perplexed farang owner has run out of ideas.
Today's hoo-hah kicked-off when the emboldened rodent set to work tickling the ankles of a large table of office girls. Alerted by the commotion, the owner's Thai wife gave chase and the startled noo dived for cover under the welcome mat. Sensing that victory was at hand, she mercilessly pounded the lump with both feet.
As she cautiously lifted-up a corner of the mat, we all leaned forward to examine the hairy drinks coaster that must surely have lain underneath - but there was nothing. The wily noo had escaped again.
July 26 2004
My dismal UK holiday snaps
Enduring other people's holiday snaps is life's second most onerous duty - after enduring other people's holiday videos - so take a deep breath and get ready to share the misery of my recent UK trip. It's a bit like a National Geographic pictorial - except that the locations are shite and the photographer swapped his Nikon for a Nokia.
Here's my first meal on British soil - egg and beans on toast. It cost the same as a five course dinner at a top Bangkok eatery but, in fairness, it was reasonably tasty. The local women, however, were not.
Britain seems to have suffered a gender-specific outbreak of obesity during my absence. The fellas don't look much different but the women have become huge. Officially, it's been nearly a century since Zeppelins were last seen over London but I can confirm that they've now come back in force. This returning holidaymaker (seen here stretching the elastic waistband of her grey jogging trousers) is a fairly typical example.
Interestingly, the country is currently awash with Anna Kournikova look-alikes fleeing the economic uncertainties of life in Eastern Europe but it's not yet clear how our potato-like Brit-chicks will respond to this new threat. Will they prise themselves off the sofa or graze fewer chocolate bars? Probably not - but, in the forthcoming UK referendum on the expansion of the European Union, it's safe to assume that they'll be voting NO.
July 25 2004
Thai condom police await green light
Ex-pats covering-up their infidelities will be pleased to learn that carrying a packet of condoms may soon become mandatory in Thailand.
Our Mango Sauce Social Affairs Correspondent explains why.
Senator Meechai has probably done more than all other Thai politicians combined to prevent an AIDS explosion in Thailand and for this he deserves our greatest thanks (See Thailand rises to condom challenge). We wonder, however, about his latest pronouncement.
Radio Thailand reported that, in Senator Meechai's closing address to the AIDS Conference, he proposed making it mandatory for any male entering a bar to have to carry with him a packet of condoms. Moreover, any man found without a packet of condoms on his person would be committing an offence (we kid you not!)
Imagine. Every bar will have a mama-san sitting by the door seeing if customers are carrying condoms and directing them to their seats. Carriers of large condoms will sit to the left; small "Asian size" ones sit to the right and fruity flavoured ones can sit next to the stage. This way the dancing girls can choose what sort of excitement they fancy.
While the absence of condoms in a man's pockets may seem to be a golden opportunity for Thai police to levy fines upon unsuspecting farang tourists we can also foresee some funny conversations between men and their girlfriends or wives.
July 23 2004
PACI bar girl identification guide
Our friends at the Professional Association of Carnal Inspectors (See PACI bar girl evaluation form) have published another research paper. Steve tells me that, after years of painstaking study, his colleague "The Reveler" has finally arrived at a taxonomy of the various species of bar girl to be found in Asia. These are his findings.
Sharks: The hardened professionals, they hunt in pairs or packs. Smart dressers, skilful users of make-up, they have X-ray vision that would make Superman weep and can spot their prey across a crowded bar with uncanny accuracy. They move in quickly and silently for the kill. English rarely gets beyond the "what you name, you buy me drink, you go home same me" stage.
'QuickFit' merchants: [Named after the well-known UK car repair company that guarantees to replace your brakes, exhaust and/or tires in less than ten minutes]. Usually slim, attractive, and sexy, they ooze lust. But when you get them into the hotel room, they're out of their clothes and into bed faster than a grand-prix tire change. They haven't even heard of foreplay, and as soon as you've come they've gone - usually straight back to their bar of choice to line up the next victim.
Derelicts: Older girls who are past their shelf-date, they home in on anyone with whom they have - or think they have - an acquaintance, to cadge money for taxi, rent, sick child, sick parent, kid's school-fees, house repairs, phone bill etc. Some display the remnants of bygone beauty, but many are now so brawny they could make a new career in the WWF.
July 21 2004
Rare species, weapons & poontang ploughing
Conservationists will be dismayed to learn that the centrepiece of this macabre ensemble is a mummified epauletted bat. It doesn't appeal to me but the street stalls of Thailand are piled high with dubious souvenirs like this - so someone must be buying them.
A wide selection of weapons is also on sale. Many tourists spend their relaxing fortnight in the sun tooling-up with a selection of machetes, throwing stars, knuckle-dusters, flick-knives, swords, clubs, whips, paddles, darts, coshes and flails.
My weapon of choice would be the Taser. Disguised to look like a torch, it delivers an electrical jolt powerful enough to leave your victim twitching on the ground with a string of snot bubbling from each nostril. Notice how the vendor takes two steps backwards when he hands it to you.
It's incredible that this mental weaponry is on open sale almost everywhere in Thailand. The police do, however, crack down hard on the sale of sex toys - which are very difficult to obtain.
July 19 2004
Rude Thai girls foiled by phone jammer
Persistent night time phone calls can turn a pleasurable nighttime diversion into an infuriating ordeal. Some girls even take calls during sex. It might be one of her many boyfriends but the chances are that it's just one of her even more numerous mates wanting to chew the fat. Mango Sauce reader, Bri, is sick of this constant irritation.
How do you keep those girls from making and receiving phone calls in the ferking room all night long! They won't turn them off! Farangs need a small cheap device to immobilise their phones. Please where can you get a jammer to screw their phone up?
Using technology originally developed to prevent terrorists from detonating bombs by mobile phone, cheap phone jammers are now available to anyone with a couple of hundred dollars to spare. They are no bigger than a mobile phone and some are disguised to look like one.
If you carry the device in your pocket, all phones within about a 10 meter radius will be disabled. Back in the hotel room, you and your puzzled bar girl will enjoy blissful peace and quiet - and uninterrupted sex. It also works well in restaurants and train carriages.
Phone jammers work by broadcasting a radio signal at the same frequency as a mobile phone. The local signal strength falls to zero and our impolite bar girl assumes that she's in a dead-spot. The various phone networks operate at different frequencies so, to jam all of them, the device must broadcast on all these frequencies simultaneously. They vary from region to region so it's important to purchase a device designed to operate in your own country. The specification for Thailand is 800 CDMA/AMPS; GSM (900/1800).
July 17 2004
Lesla's Thai lesbian love-in
When they're not dildoing each other into a frenzy, many luscious Thai lesbians enjoy visiting Lesla.com for a bit of lesbian-related news and chat. Before you take a look, however, be warned that it's a web-design train-wreck.
Cluttered, fussy and loaded with unnecessary JavaScript, the Lesla homepage will lock up your browser for a full 5 minutes but Basil Brush reckons that it's worth the effort because the personal ads section contains some great material.
im lesbians ! 100% i want to benaked running throng the streets i want to invite so-called chaos that you think i dare not be i want to be weightless flying through the air i want to drop all these limitations but the shoes upon my feet;
im not needy! i don`t get clingy much! i am not scared!i am not afraid as such! i am not dependent!rock solid stays in touch!doth i protest too much! i like female
It's almost as good as "My father is an eagle and my mother is a sparrow. That is why I should be on Nok Air" from the unhinged would-be trolley-dolly, Khun Jah (See Nok Air selects crew on TV game show).
Our next lonely muff-muncher invites so-called chaos with her excessive use of the caps lock key.
July 15 2004
Sex, lies and the Bangkok AIDS Conference
It seems that UN Secretary General, Kofi Annan, has decided to attend the 2004 Bangkok AIDS Conference after all. Now that it's grabbed the international headlines, he's popping up everywhere - like Kaposi's sarcoma.
George W. Bush won't be showing his face, though. His administration still clings to the belief that AIDS can be tackled by urging people not to have sex. Like our own turbo-charged sex-tourist, Dana, he doesn't approve of condoms and it's anyone's guess as to how many millions of people will have to die before he changes his mind (Obviously, I'm talking about the President, not Dana - unless he's more prolific than I'm giving him credit for).
Our Mango Sauce Social Affairs Correspondent has his own take on the AIDS Conference and the mainstream media's rather predictable reporting from Bangkok.
Friday's Bangkok Post carried an interesting story under the headline "Sex Orgy Bust" of how "three pairs of underage school boys and school girls were caught red handed in a hotel room after a tip-off from a good Samaritan" (presumably a school boy or girl who was not invited to the orgy). School inspectors caught the three pairs naked in bed at 10.00 am - presumably the participants dashed off after morning assembly - and one of the girls said they had had such orgies many times. Practical biology classes were never like this when we were at school.
However, what was particularly useful was that the location of the "orgy" was disclosed as Room 606, Bua Luang Hotel, Chamroenwithi Road, Nakhon Si Thammarat. Interested Post readers in the south of Thailand now know where to go if they're looking for some early morning activity.
July 9 2004
A genuine sick buffalo story
In traditional Thai medicine the best cure for a "sick" buffalo is a farang cash injection but, given that it's hard to persuade a perfectly healthy specimen to play dead, the donor rarely gets to meet the patient - unless he insists on taking a look for himself. Our Mango Sauce Bovine Affairs Correspondent tells the story of a man who did just that.
Despite exciting events in Euro 2004 the entire front page of The Bangkok Post was recently devoted to a proposal by the Agriculture Minister to import cows into Thailand from Australia. While there is undoubtedly something under-udder about this proposal it is not the purpose of this article to speculate what's afoot. Instead, we are reminded of a story told to us by an Australian living in Bangkok, let's call him Bruce, who fell in love with, Khun Dao, a girl from Nong Kai.
One day Miss Dao turned up at Bruce's apartment with tears in her eyes: her father's two buffaloes were sick - he must help her do something. Now normally, sick buffaloes, after Mama ill, and Grandmother dying, is the third most common manipulative reason used to extract money from farangs. In this case though, our Bruce was no fool: he needed a new visa so why not go to Nong Kai, on the way to Vientiane, and see for himself what ailed these buffaloes?
Arriving at Khun Dao's father's farm he was immediately struck by how dirt poor these folk were. They lived in a hut in the middle of their rice fields and sure enough there were two buffaloes lying down on their haunches looking very sad. Now fortunately, Bruce's cousin, Vic, was a vet in Perth so he gave his cousin a quick phone call on his cell phone to describe the symptoms and explained these animals were as "sick as a blue parrot mate". Fortunately, Vic the vet diagnosed what was wrong and knew what was needed "no worries mate" and told Bruce what to do.
July 7 2004
Thailand rises to condom challenge
Senator Mechai Viravaidya is Thailand's undisputed Condom Tsar. He's worked tirelessly to promote their use and many Thais now refer to a condom as a "Mechai." He owns the popular restaurant "Condoms & Cabbages" on Sukhumvit Soi 12 - where diners are given a condom with their bill instead of a mint. If your girlfriend ever finds one in your pocket, it's an excuse worth remembering.
Thai condoms make excellent finger puppets but they're not much use during sex. Even the branded imports are thin, weak and thimble-sized (See Thai lust for farang monster cock). Pity the careless sex-tourist who forgets to bring an adequate supply. A Thai pharmacist would probably advise him to slit open a fertilizer sack.
It seems that farang calls to "supersize me" have finally reached Mr Mechai's ears. He's responded by promoting a new "international" sized condom which will be handed out free to tourists arriving at Bangkok airport during the global AIDS forum in July. Here's the full story from AFP, entitled "Thai tourists to get free condoms."
Tourists travelling to Thailand will be greeted with an "international" size condom along with the traditional smile in July to mark a global AIDS forum in Bangkok, a Thai senator said.
Senator Mechai Viravaidya said larger condoms would be handed out for free at the airport while a choice of sizes would be on offer in some taxis, the main train station and at freeway toll booths throughout the July 11-16 International AIDS Conference.
"There will be two sizes. A larger international condom and a smaller local one," Mechai told AFP, adding "but if a local feels they need an international condom then they will certainly be given one."
July 5 2004
Joyce Cuckold 47: Hubby finds mojo in Bangkok
Joyce Cuckold
When I told the girls at work that Mike and I were going to Thailand they couldn't stop giggling. After lunch, they presented me with a dog-lead. "You'll need it for Mike" they said. How we all laughed.
They already know the truth, though, because I don't have any secrets from the girls. He fancies himself as a bit of a Jack-the-lad but I can assure you that he's all mouth and no trousers. His Rudolf Valentino days are definitely over.
Mike said that Thailand got its sleazy reputation during the Vietnam War with all those American GIs but that was 30 years ago and things are fine now. A couple of his friends went last year and they raved about the beautiful beach in Pattaya, the food and the bargains. "Take an empty suitcase" he said "and come back with a full one". He really put my mind at ease.
Our Bangkok hotel was lovely but the heat outside was unbearable. It didn't stop Mike wanting to explore though. He's normally such a lazy so-and-so. He said that I didn't have to come but I didn't want him to feel abandoned.
The noisy streets were heaving with people and stalls. I could hardly take it all in. Suddenly we found ourselves in Patpong. Mike said that he didn't know it was around here.
July 3 2004
My upstairs downstairs Thai vixen
Three times a week, I pay a charming young Thai girl to visit my apartment for an hour or so - but I've never seen her naked. She is, in fact, my maid and her job is to chase the cockroaches away from the dirty dishes and to peel my soiled undies off the wall. She's very cute and her services cost just 1,600 baht ($40) a month.
Because it's cheap, almost everyone in Thailand has a maid and, if you're as uninterested in housework as I am, it's one of the best reasons for living here. Curiously, though, some people regard the employment of others in the home as immoral but I don't really understand why.
Giving a complete stranger the run of your apartment seems strange at first but you soon get used to it. In Thailand, most maids are honest but, in stark contrast, a friend who used to live in Cuba told me that his were all ingenious thieves - his toiletries would slowly get siphoned off and the new batteries in his TV remote would always be swapped for duds.
My own maid is a treasure. She's delightfully shy and polite and as pretty as any go-go dancer. The Thais are a status-conscious bunch, though, and I've been warned that any attempt to be chummy with her would cause serious embarrassment. Consequently, our relationship is rather medieval.
In my History Channel influenced daydreams, I often order the comely wench to disrobe and join her master in the bedchamber - but, if I tried it on for real, the lady of the house might get seriously medieval on my ass. Shagging the maid might be out of the question but I sometimes peer over the top of my newspaper when the little minx is bending over to dust the skirting boards (See The erotic appeal of Thai housework).
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
December 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
