May 31 2004
Miss Thailand: Morakot Aimee Kittisara
When I accused Miss Thailand Universe, Morakot Aimee Kittisara, of looking like my Welsh auntie (See Miss Thailand Universe outslutted by Miss Venezuela), her mate Angel rattled my cage with this stinging rebuke.
As a friend of Aimee (Miss Thailand) ever since we were like 5, I can guarantee that the picture is not one of her best pictures and she looks amazing in other pics. And she has lived in the UK all her life, does it matter what colour her skin is? It's flawless - Angel.
It seems that Angel was right. My follow-up investigation reveals that 20 year-old Aimee - currently studying law at Brunel University in England - is, in fact, as fit as a butcher's dog and here she is outshining her regional rivals ahead of the 2004 Miss Universe Pageant in Quito, Ecuador.
May 29 2004
Is his Thai internet bride a con-girl? #4
Things are getting worse for Mark, the 46 year-old American accountant who chose an 18 year-old Thai bride from AmericanSingles.com. The manipulative little cow has been shagging another guy in his apartment and now she's driving a wedge between him and his best mate. Mark's farang ex-girlfriend, Marianne, takes up the story. If you haven't done so already, you should read her first, second and third letters before continuing.
Some HUGE events have occurred since last update - all of which you predicted of course, but at the snail's pace my newly hired PI is operating, I'll be in a Nursing Home, on feeding tubes by the time any additional useful info is uncovered!
In a separate piece on this website, I indicated that Nok left Mark 2 months ago. Well, she did. She manipulated his best friend into calling her father and having him wire cash for a flight back to Bangkok. Unfortunately, for reasons only Mark knows, she returned to him 4 weeks later.
Anyway, if you're willing, please take a look at the remaining new developments, and render your opinion of what they portend:
May 28 2004
BTS Badminton
Who is the rudest Thai person that you've ever met? Chances are that it's a puffed-up little security guard on Bangkok's BTS Skytrain. There's one on every platform. Put a toe over his yellow line and the officious little twat will run over to harangue you with his whistle.
BTS Badminton is a game for two players. They position themselves at opposite ends of a Skytrain platform. The role of "shuttlecock" is played by our overeager security guard.
Player 1 "serves" by putting his foot over the yellow line. If he fails to attract the shuttlecock, then a "fault" is declared. A double fault gives his opponent a point and the opportunity to serve.
If he serves successfully, the shuttlecock whistles over to player 2 - who must now withdraw his foot. Player 1 then extends his foot to draw the shuttlecock back. If he fails, the shot is declared "out" and his opponent scores a point.
The doubles version of BTS Badminton involves a second pair of players who take to the court on the opposite platform.
Red Bull can fuck off because Mango Sauce has already secured the exclusive sponsorship rights to this new extreme urban sport.
May 27 2004
McDonald's awards me crap mystery gift
If you go to the Siam Square branch of McDonald's in Bangkok, you might get served by the Thai Prime Minister's youngest daughter, Paethongtan. Unfortunately, though, the inclusion of medium fries within the set meals means that you won't get to enjoy her asking "Would you like flies with that, sir?"
Paethongtan looks startlingly like her dad, so she should be easy to spot. You'd better place your order quickly, though, because she's starting at Chulalongkhorn's political science faculty next month. Perhaps 24 baht an hour wasn't enough to tempt her into building a career with the global burger giant. In fairness to Paethongtan though, the "If you've time to lean, you've time to clean" mentality of the place would provoke me into murderous rage within minutes.
Though McDonald's Thailand can't guarantee that Paethongtan will always be on hand to flip your burger, at 89 baht, its Big Mac meal has to be about the best value anywhere. It comes with the unusual option of chilli sauce and you'll probably win a mystery gift too.
Because Thai people rarely order Big Macs - preferring instead the mysterious Pork Samurai Burger - the wrong-footed staff will probably fail to prepare your meal within the promised 60 seconds and so you'll almost certainly qualify for a consolation prize. Don't hold your breath, though, because it's a bit crap.
May 26 2004
Korat "gote" girl will shit on your table
If you want a Korat girl to blow your dog and shit on your glass-topped coffee table just add your genuine email address to a Mango Sauce comment. John U did and this is the email she sent him.
Hi.
I am lady from Korat and i reed you're mango leter. I think you dont know thai lady very well. I am good lady and i go to school for long time but i still like sex very much. You can come in my mouth if you want and even piss on me. Before man pay me to much for me have a shit on tabel of glass and he can look up. I dont think many western lady would do same as me. i will do everything, even with dog or gote if you want.
Next time you go thailand you can have piss on lady. i think in western world you can't do this. if you want to see me you can email me if you want. maybe i can shit on tabel for you??
Noy.
I don't believe for one moment that John U is the only reader to get this email. Has anyone been in touch with Noy? Did the maid have to hose-down your apartment afterwards? Come on, fellas - own up.
May 25 2004
Revenge of the Turds
Type "turd" into a Google image search and up pops a bloke called Khun Sitawat from Thailand's prestigious Rajabhat Institute. His photo appears on the personnel page of the Institute's Information Department website.
http://wap.chandra.ac.th/cmt/person/person.htm (now removed unfortunately)
Despite being billed as a computer expert, Khun Sitawat is currently unaware that someone in his own department has saved his photo as "turd.jpg". By coding in the wrong dimensions, his cheeky tormentor has also stretched the image - giving Khun Sitawat's head a turd-like appearance.
The other mug-shots on the page are saved as the person's nickname. There are plenty of Thais with unfortunate nicknames like Poo and Bum but I've never heard of anyone called Turd and neither has my Thai girlfriend. This picture has to be a cruel practical joke perpetrated by a disgruntled co-worker. It illustrates all too well that if you upset a Thai person they will always get their revenge.
My guess is that the culprit is the fella at the foot of the page. He's the computer room administrator and, according to his photo's file name, he calls himself Sugarman. He's got the cheeky smile of a troublemaker and is probably cleverer and more popular than his boss.
May 24 2004
Tinglish funnies #2: Nok Air
A Thai person will typically say "I no care" instead of "I don't care". Why then did no one notice the unfortunate connotations of the name chosen for Thai Airways' new budget airline, Nok Air? (See Nok Air selects crew on TV game show). The airline offers a no frills service but naming it "no care" is still quite a blunder.
The blame for this fuck-up would appear to rest with a company called Total Quality PR - Nok Air's appointed communications partner. The name alone sets alarm bells ringing. Anyone who has ever suffered a management seminar at the Telford Moat House will be aware that any consultant mouthing off about "Total Quality" is invariably a smarmy well-dressed opportunist with his head wedged up his own arse just as deep as his hand is buried in your employer's pocket.
The Managing Director of Total Quality PR is a bloke called Tom Van Blarcom and this is how he describes Nok Air and its customers.
Business Description: The first no frill airlines that offers passenger fun and friendly service starting from check-in while maintain superior safety standards.
Customer Base: They are those who love to travel, and looking for value deals.
Van Blarcom is a Dutch name but plenty of Americans share it. No Yank would stumble over his words like this, though, so it's odds on that Tom Van Blarcom is a canal-dwelling cloggie who puts mayonnaise on his chips and advocates the licensed recreational use of marijuana.
May 23 2004
Tinglish funnies #1: My favourites
Given that Ambassador City Jomtien in Pattaya is billed as the world's largest resort complex, you might imagine that that they'd get their glossy brochure proof-read by a native English speaker - but you'd be wrong. In their Premier Supper Club, you are invited to "relieve yourself in an ideal of karaoke and live music in bewitching time."
I don't want to dwell on the debauched scene that this conjures up but their dry-cleaning bill must read like a telephone number.
In Thailand, amusing examples of the misuse of written English can be found just about everywhere. I've yet to read a Thai/English menu that doesn't list at least one "hairy dog balls" type dish. Last week, I saw an ad for an electric shower that promised buyers the dubious pleasure of "a water heater in the backside."
Even multi-million dollar real estate developments get the treatment. The bizarrely named TIT Tower is hardly Bangkok's most desirable address. Off Silom Road we have PMT Mansion - an apartment building that I imagine to be full of frazzled English girls leaving a hot iron to burn through their favourite blouse as they retrieve spilled frozen peas from the floor.
For the benefit of American readers, I'll suggest to the owners that they change the name to PMS Mansion.
May 22 2004
Mother seeks justice for murdered son
A Canadian mother is seeking justice for her son who was murdered in Pattaya 15 years ago.
His killers are known but they've never been brought to trial.
The Nation's Phil Macdonald takes up the story.
Joe Gaal, a 29 year-old Canadian photojournalist, was brutally murdered in Pattaya in April 1989. At the time he was staying at the Ocean View Hotel, owned by Wolfgang Urlich and his partner, Lothar Kroehn.
Urlich, who was once described by a prominent Thai politician as the worst foreign criminal living in Thailand, was extradited from Thailand to Germany a few years ago.
Kroehn's years of involvement in mafia activities in Pattaya lead him to be declared persona non grata by the Thai government. He now lives in the Malaysia, from where German Interpol is seeking his extradition.
At the time of his death, Gaal was covering the Afghan-Soviet War. He had come across a story and started asking questions certain people did not want asked - especially those involved in the drugs trade in the city.
Through a middleman, possibly Kroehn, a hit was organised. Gaal was lured to his death by a treacherous girlfriend.
Mid-ranking Pattaya police officers were also involved.
Photographs obtained by his mother, Arlene Gaal, show Joe suffered terribly before his death. He was severely beaten. His skull was fractured and his tongue was cut out.
May 21 2004
Zoe Shrew, 25, moves to Thailand
Month 1
Men go crazy for super-cool farang chicks like me. I'm pretty radical and massively committed to issues like feminism, animal rights and anti-globalisation. I've never been with a guy who I could say was my intellectual equal but, despite my best efforts, Ben never listens to a word I say. Ignorance is just one of his many faults.
Last night, he said "I'm supposed to be your boyfriend. Get off my fucking case." Naturally, I just laughed. "Boo hoo, lickle Benjamin" I said. "Can't you face the truth?" What a plonker!
Since then, he's been in a huff and has taken to going out alone. I'm not worried, though, because it's common knowledge that only fat Germans fool around with the Thai girls and, putting modesty aside for a moment, I'm a bit of a fox. If you saw me, your eyes would be out on stalks.
Month 2
Ben and I split up last week but we're still good friends. He seems to be crazy about his new Thai girlfriend but I think she's just a skinny air-head. If he wants to live with a doormat, then it's his call. Don't come crawling back, Ben. This sassy farang chick is trading up!
May 20 2004
Miss Thailand Universe outslutted by Miss Venezuela
I never thought the day would come when I'd prefer to shag a farang instead of a Thai but just imagine my dismay when I caught sight of this Miss Universe 2004 publicity photo. On the left is Miss Thailand, Morakot Aimee Kittisara, and on the right is Miss Venezuela, Ana Karina Anez Delgado.
Slutty Miss Venezuela looks like she could suck a football through a hosepipe. Whether or not she wins the Miss Universe crown is irrelevant. She's already won a Golden Mango for "Contestant most likely to go like a steam hammer" and I can't wait to present it to her in a glittering awards ceremony broadcast by webcam from the bedroom of my shabby Bangkok apartment - whenever she's free.
Miss Thailand won't be collecting any gongs from Mango Sauce, though. She's reasonably attractive but only in a "my daddy is rich and I went to Chulalongkhorn" kind of way. Her ridiculous white skin could have been applied with an emulsion brush and she hardly looks Asian at all. In fact, she looks worryingly like my Welsh auntie.
May 19 2004
Bar girl bum-love in Thailand
What could justify inflicting anal sex on a hard-working Thai hooker? Taking phone calls during lovemaking, perhaps. Recently, this happened to a mate of mine. The caller was, of course, another farang fella checking up on his "girlfriend".
While the yo-yo knickered slapper was reassuring the guy that he was the only man in her life, the sex session continued uninterrupted - but with rather less creativity on her part.
After listening to her "love you too much" shite for a full 15 minutes, my mate's patience finally ran out. When he slipped it up the wrong'un, she flashed him a look like a bulldog chewing a wasp but, incredibly, her sweet-talking voice didn't even waver.
May 17 2004
Nok Air selects crew on TV game show
Passengers of the new Thai budget airline, Nok Air, will be thrilled to learn that the flight attendants entrusted to save their lives in a smoke-filled cabin will be selected on a TV game show called "Nok Hunt". Let's meet four of the hopefuls.
| Going by the unfortunate name of Supaporn, this young lady might be flashing more than a smile to keep passengers entertained. "I am confident that I can make the flight enjoying for everyone" she says - and I don't doubt it for a moment. |  |
| "I have a lively personality" says Pui but, with only 16 points to her credit, it seems that even her own family can't be bothered to vote for her. |  |
| "My father is an eagle and my mother is a sparrow. That is why I should be on Nok Air" says Jah. Her delusion suggests that she might also be prone to opening the cabin doors at 36,000 feet just for fun. |  |
| Bee is Whippet's favourite and he tells me that "she struggled in the jigsaw puzzle round, but her rendition of hit me baby one more time was worthy of something" - mirth, I expect. |  |
I'm not making any of this up. Nok Air really does exist (Nok means bird in Thai) and "Nok Hunt" goes out on Tuesdays at 10 pm on UBC 35. Here's a clip featuring our 20 would-be trolley-dollies facing their tough challenges in swimwear.
www.nokair.com/sharing/
entertrainment/mpg/nok_hunt.wmv (now removed unfortunately)
The best bit is actually the commentary. It's all in Thai but the final sentence goes like this - "Blah blah blah... blah blah blah... blah blah blah... Nok Hunt!"
Some of them don't have any tits either.
May 16 2004
Thai bar girl pukes on latest Nokia
The damp demise of my crappy old Nokia (See I fucking hate Songkran) was a good excuse to buy a new one. The food vendors on my soi are all packing the latest handsets and so they would look at my brick-sized behemoth with undisguised pity. A visit to Mahboonkhrong (MBK) on Siam Square was long overdue.
Offering thousands of new and second-hand handsets, MBK is Bangkok's undisputed cellphone Mecca but you're lucky to get a receipt - let alone a guarantee. Buying a high-end model second-hand is particularly risky because its previous owner was probably a bar girl.
The endless arguments between a Thai hooker and her "boyfriends" are usually sparked by her phone. Suspicious male callers, incriminating text messages and theatrical threats to call to the police often result in the device being hurled across the room. Also, customers often want bar girls to drink alcohol instead of cola and, not wishing to refuse, they normally end up vomiting in the toilet - and their phones regularly fall in.
I did find one used phone at MBK that didn't belong to a bar girl. The previous owner was a Thai fella who had enjoyed the affections of several different girlfriends at once. I know this because his memory card was full of their private messages and photos. A "memory full" error message kept flashing up and the guy probably thought that his phone was broken. In his haste to offload the thing, he neglected to delete 32 megabytes of blackmail material.
Buying the most desirable handsets second-hand saves you only about 10%. Once you'd replaced the fake battery and fixed the bar girl damage it would probably end up costing you more than a new one. Buying a new grey import makes more sense but caution is still required. The fidgety Thai fingers of the MBK phone traders invariably rummage through every sealed box - and they never put things back.
May 15 2004
Yoshi Sukifukito 42: Salaryman and kinky Samurai warrior
Yoshi Sukifukito: Samurai swordsman
Back home in Tokyo, I enjoy nothing better than to queue up with 100 of my closest friends to bang myself off in the face of some slapper dressed up as a schoolgirl. The practice of bukkake is named after a classic Japanese dish of plain, slimy-looking white noodles. It's just our little joke, heh heh.
You may think us a bit inscrutable but we're always game for a laugh. After a good bukkake session with the lads, I often quip "Waiter, there's a girl in my soup!" They always piss themselves at that - sometimes literally. Our cum-splattered little vixen probably appreciates a good hosing down.
As you can imagine, when you do it every day it starts to get a bit samey. That's why I decided to go to Bangkok.
With my ultra realistic love-doll Yuki in tow, I pitched up at the check-in desk. I got through no bother, but Yuki clammed up a bit when the girl asked if she had any prohibited items. She was better off in the hold anyway. The food on these flights is never to her taste.
I dumped my stuff at the hotel and went straight out on the pull. I tend to go for six-inch-tall comic-book minxes with ludicrous platform boots - the sort of girls you keep in a jam-jar, ready to pop in the blender when you feel peckish. Soi Thaniya was a bit short on cartoon vixens that night, so I settled for little Noi. We struck the deal over some karaoke and I took her back.
May 15 2004
Female torso sparks Thai Airways terror alert
Those novelty cigarette lighters from Pantip Plaza are hilarious. One design features a bikini-clad Asian babe whose clothes fall off when you light up. Others repeat short phrases like "I love you, I love you, I love you" but the ones that blurt out rude expressions are much funnier - unless you work for Thai Airways.
My ex-girlfriend bought four different models for her new American in-laws but made the mistake of taking them back in her Thai Airways hand luggage. In Osaka, the security dorks confiscated two of them. They reckoned that the fake Zippo and the chrome female torso might bring the plane down in flames over the Pacific but that the bikini babe and the talker were perfectly safe.
May 14 2004
The ultimate sick-buffalo story
Mango Sauce reader Nick has concocted the last word in sick-buffalo stories.
Dear Bill
I love you and I miss you too much. my friend bar say you old man look same same monkey but I know you hansum man I have problem I write you before that buffalo me sick Now it die Fall down and dead in middle rice field. Bad fortune when it fall it fall on papa and break leg he three place Now he not work Brother me make stretcher bamboo he take from roof house Roof come down and rain in house He take papa to hospital motorcycle Have big accident when he come home hit police car Police say brother me blame Police say he pay big money. not worry darling motorcycle OK but Police car bad broken Bad luck make Mama heart problem. Doctor say she must triple by-pass. I no understand but brother say you understand.
You know darling I only work in bar and not go with man I wait for you come back Bangkok but if you no help me I fuck many many many many many farang get pay bills money.
Old people my village say you responsible if you send money me before buy medicine sick buffalo then it no die papa no break leg house have roof brother no ride into police car Mama no have heart problem.
Please send me 200,000 baht for my bank. Papa fix 10,000 new roof 30,000, new police car 100,000, mama fix 50,000. I take off 2,000 baht for sell buffalo meat but me have to pay more hospital bill for 24 people have problem eat contaminated meat 12,000 baht. I not know money England but my brother me say me it 71.2424 mid-market rate close of trading yesterday This means you send me 10,000 your pound
I love you darling
Noi
May 13 2004
Thai PM to sex-up Liverpool FC
Mop-topped Mango Sauce reader Captain Merseyside has asked me to explain the implications of the Thai PM's surprise decision to buy Liverpool FC.
As the Thai Government is buying into Liverpool FC, I think its time you kindled some interest in footy. I reckon if you pass yourself off as a Liverpool fan you'll be beating even more birds off with a shitty stick. To test out my theory, I shall be posting you an LFC shirt together with an encyclopedia on Liverpool football club (you'll need to bone up otherwise you might get found out). I shall also be emailing you some of my favourite Kop chants and pictures of Michael Owen et al for your bedroom wall.
I am surprised however that with what is an appalling human rights record here in Britain, the Thai Government seem so keen to become involved with an English club. I'd be interested in your views on this.
According to mamasan Gerard Houllier, Liverpool's legendary Anfield stadium will soon be renamed Scally Reds Brookside A-Go-Go and the bar fine will be set at 500 baht - rising to 1,000 baht on match days.
Stars like Michael Owen will be performing 500 baht blowjobs in the naughty boy's corner (formerly known as the Kop Grandstand) but, when the crowd nears its capacity of 45,000, fans might be unable to "score" with their favourite "superstar" and may have to settle for one of "tammadaa" members of the squad or even the "sideline" players on the bench.
Fans will also be able to purchase ping-pong balls at 20 baht each. When they throw them onto the pitch, the lucky player who scoops them up will get 15 baht a ball. Cynics suggest that this could interrupt the flow of play but the management argues that the extra player income will allow Liverpool to attract quality talent without incurring a Leeds United-style wage bill.
May 12 2004
Should I buy a business for my Thai hooker?
Setting up a business in Thailand is the dream of many farang guys - and their preferred business partner is normally a local prostitute.
Mango Sauce reader, Rick, has asked us for some advice.
I met a Thai hooker in a hotel in Bahrain. She is 30 and other hookers here say they should start thinking about a husband. She is a great cook and loves to be in the kitchen and loves cooking Thai Food. She loves to see the satisfaction on her friends' faces and mine as well when she serves up a great Thai dish or barbecue. The other girls say open a restaurant for her and would do it as long as it is done in Thailand in a Thai Ltd. Partnership with a lawyer. Still, I'm not sure I would have any recourse. I worry more about the law than the girl actually. Yeah, her parents are from Isaan and they are poor but the two younger sisters living in Bangkok are self sufficient; working honestly but school fees paid to the youngest by my flame, the oldest. Any suggestions out there? I was thinking of leaving my job in Bahrain and take her with me to open a restaurant. Really, this girl can cook and often suggests I open a restaurant. I can't understand why she hasn't done it before. Any suggestions/advice would be welcome - Rick.
As luck would have it, Combover sent me the following article, which was posted anonymously to a message board.
I have some advice for any westerners out there contemplating moving to Thailand. If you are rich and are sensible with money, then go ahead. If an international company or similar offers you a high salaried job in Thailand then fine. If you are retired or have steady funds from abroad and want to live modestly on those funds, go ahead, but watch yourself. And if you're a young dude travelling around the world, and you want to spend some time in Thailand teaching or whatever for experience, then that's OK too.
But if you don't fall into these categories then *don't* consider it for a moment. Many middle aged westerners in particular (including professionals) like the idea of living there, having a business or making some money and "enjoying life" in Thailand. But very few make it. (Forget about western restaurant or bar owners and alike you might meet in Thailand boasting about their good life there. It is common for faltering foreigners to keep up appearances). Mostly they end up broke or crazed, sometimes both. Then they leave.
May 11 2004
My Thai prescription for happiness
I've been asked to justify my perspective on life.
Last week, I wrote a piece about the hypocrisy of women who deny the existence of female sex tourism (See Three faces of female sex-tourism in Thailand).
A few days later "John" left this comment.
There is something cowardly and creepily disturbing about you and your voyeuristic approach to life. You sit in judgement of Thai-Farang society low-life, when you are obviously a part of it, albeit all take and no give. Your article about visa runs sums you up man: "lost days". That says a lot about your perspective on life. Why don't you go and get one! - John.
The measured tone reveals that "John" isn't a nutter but "he" makes emotive statements without offering any supporting arguments - just like farang women often do. "He" finds the adventures of fun-loving farang blokes "creepily disturbing" - just like farang women often do. "He" fails to understand what makes a man happy - just like farang women often do. Perhaps "John" has got her panties in a bunch.
My approach to life is, in fact, the exact opposite of that advocated by judgemental farang women like "John." The views of narrow-minded bigots once influenced me - but not anymore.
Despite a fairly affluent lifestyle, my existence in Farangland was a pretty miserable one. Coffee kick-started me in the morning, Prozac got me through the day and alcohol knocked me out at night. I worked far too hard and, at home, I had to endure my farang wife's constant nagging. I struggled on like this for many years but then I had a moment of clarity.
May 10 2004
"Boo who?" says farang cry-baby
Khun Boo (real name) is a fun-loving Bangkok bar girl who charmed a drink out of me last week. She's one of those disarmingly honest girls who share their thoughts with everyone. When she received a text-message during our chat, she didn't hesitate to show it to me.
It was from some love-sick Norwegian bloke who appeared to have lost the plot along with his heart. He would have been mortified had he known that his tearful message was making half the bar weep with laughter. It went something like this.
Hello Boo my darling. I miss you so much. Your money arrives at Western Union tomorrow. I'm sorry I cried yesterday. I'm so lonely here in Norway. I love you ve
His parting shot was cut off by the SMS 160 character limit but I think we can guess where it was going. The poor sod's lovelorn outpourings gave me a giggle but, when Boo asked me to help her compose a piss-taking reply, I declined. The guy was a complete idiot but, ultimately, my sympathies lay with him rather than her. To spare the guy's blushes, I won't name him or the bar but, if he reads this article, he should recognise himself.
May 9 2004
Pol Cpt Boom Viceandporn 38: Dedicated but not to his duty
I was out at my mate's club last week with a few of the lads. Somchai pointed out some posh tart who looked totally off her head. Her pals scattered when I suggested a urine test. Upstairs in the manager's office, I almost felt sorry for her. "You're a very lucky girl", I said "if I was on duty, you'd be in real trouble." She was an absolute stunner but had a twat like a steel trap. Switch to plan B, I thought. Nothing beats a blow-job off a crying girl, heh heh.
Though good novelty value, she didn't quite hit the spot so I decided to nip over to my mia noi's place for a proper ride. I've just sorted her out with a new Volvo, so I need to get my money's worth. As I left the club, I saw Somchai going up for sloppy seconds - the dirty bastard.
I've never met a virgin in this town before. Its like winning the fucking lottery. Speaking of which, I nearly forgot about Lek who runs the gambling club. It's tea-money day and the payment on my fucking Benz is due. One call on the moby and it's all sorted.
This afternoon, I was playing snooker with Somchai. He'd been on the Chivas all day and was totally shit-faced. It goes without saying that I cleaned the fucker out. "Your credit's no good here", I said "go upstairs and get yourself a wad." The club is in the basement of an apartment building full of hookers and other low-life. They are good neighbours in the sense that they are always ripe for a shake-down. My boss owns the building, so no worries on that score. Somchai got to his feet. "Hang on" I said, reaching for my pills. "If you get any lip, just plant a couple of these." "Don't worry," he replied "I've got plenty".
May 9 2004
Thai hooker email puzzle
After enjoying a Thai adventure with a little CM2 minx, a friend of Combover's recently received this surprise email from a farang that he'd never met. Is the guy a Good Samaritan or could he be working some kind of angle?
This really is none of my business, nor do I want to rain on your parade, but I was in an internet shop in Bangkok a couple of days ago, sitting next to these 2 girls, one very cute with fairly short hair, (like a page boy hair cut, wearing a chain around her waist).
Anyway, I speak Thai, and was busy working, but couldn't help overhear the 2 of them talking about a guy she had done recently, and she was going to ask him for money, and tell him she wanted to go to school for manicure etc. The cute one doesn't read or write English, so the other one was typing for her. I have heard all these stories before, all these girls hope to find a handful of men to tell their sob stories to.
She will never go to manicure school, she will never learn to be a hairdresser, and her father's water buffalo is not sick, in need of medical attention. It pisses me off, the lies they tell, so I peeked, and wrote down your email address.
She was telling her friend she had already mentioned to you something about a friend losing 10,000 baht, and now she was going to hit you up for some cash.
May 8 2004
Three faces of female sex-tourism in Thailand
A dirty old man groping a Thai teenager is the media's favourite image of Thailand but, away from the neon of Patpong and Pattaya, beach resorts like Ko Phi Phi are home to farang sex-tourists of a different gender.
At first sight, these places don't appear sleazy - and, of course, that's the whole point. Women abhor sleaze. For them, paid sex can only take place in a romantic setting, under the guise of a holiday fling, and there are plenty of guitar-strumming Thai gigolos willing to assist them - at a price. It might not be extracted today, it might not be extracted tomorrow but, before our farang girl's holiday comes to end, the account will have to be settled. Just like everyone else, Thai gigolos have to make a living.
Not surprisingly, though, female sex-tourism a very touchy subject. Here's the view of a farang girl who, rather confusingly, calls herself Nong.
I've never heard of a western woman having to pay a Thai man. That's ridiculous. Thai men have asked me out and when that didn't work some resorted to offering me money.
"Nong" has never paid for sex but she must be walking around with her eyes closed because there are certainly plenty of farang girls who have. They deny being sex-tourists, of course, but how else do you describe a tourist who buys sex? Lesbians tend to be more honest but it's hard to make feeble excuses when you spend your entire holiday paying go-go dancers to lick you out (See Farang lesbian lust in Thailand).
May 6 2004
In step with Thai music
Have you ever wanted to learn more about the soothing melodies that provide the soundtrack to late-night Bangkok taxi rides? Or do you prefer the tracks that periodically inject a bit of life into bored go-go dancers?
Both styles are just part of a rich tradition of Thai music that goes back generations. Mango Sauce reader, Seamus, brings these unique sounds to our farang ears at www.monsoon-country.org and now he explains why.
On a working trip to Thailand in 2000, I picked up a CD of traditional Thai music at a store in MBK. I had heard a street musician playing something that sounded familiar, almost Celtic, and I became interested in learning more about the folk music of this unusual country. However, when I listened to the CD at home, I was more than a little disappointed and I recall thinking that Thailand didn't have much of a musical tradition.
A couple of years later, I was watching a Vietnamese film and, again, heard that familiar sound and decided that I really should find out more about SE Asian music. John Clewley's chapters in the Rough Guide to World Music were a good source of information. John is a columnist at the Bangkok Post, where he writes a bi-weekly piece on world music and is a very knowledgeable chap indeed. But reading about music is like washing your feet with your socks on. I had to hear for myself what he had described so well.
Internet research turned out to be more difficult than I had imagined. Because of the alternate spellings used for Thai words, the search engines aren't always very useful. Of the three types of Thai country music, luk thung was easiest to find and a few aficionados in the West have put up websites. There's also a Bangkok radio station online. Next was mor lam, known in the West perhaps because of the excellent Isan Slete album recorded in London in 1989. But the music that intrigued me the most - and which turned out to be the prize I was looking for - was kantrum (gun-troom). According to Clewley, kantrum is "lower Isan's best kept secret". This must be true since hardly anyone I talked to, Thai or otherwise, had ever heard of it.
May 5 2004
The voyage of Dick Headley
"Ding dong. Spillage in isle 5. Will Bjorn Borg please attend to the spillage in isle 5? Ding dong." It's a familiar tale but not every successful sportsman squanders his fortune on a poorly conceived venture into men's underwear - or so they would have us believe.
Two retired stars from the golden age of British football have used the Mango Sauce comment threads to settle their differences. In case you missed them, here are the edited highlights.
Dick Headley 13/05/2004
Hi everybody... Headley here. Just checking in. Little bit pissed so I hope you'll excuse me if I ramble on a bit. What about you Dick I hear some of you ask. How are things with you? Well not bad, not bad at all, thank you.
I'll be leaving Samui soon and popping over to Tahiti. It's time to check on the yacht and see if she needs anything fixing. Probably hang around there for a while then sail over to Aruba. Great little crew this year by the way. Couple of trainee masseurs from Buri Ram (who also cook) and a very cute young law student from Saigon who will be helping with the navigation. Depending on the weather we should be passing through the Panama Canal around mid-June so if you're down that way feel free to go to Miraflores and throw flowers or just give us the finger.
After Aruba it looks like Barbados again probably via Grenada. A tricky piece of sailing at any time of year as you know but Team Headley enjoys a challenge. Then we'll be piddling around in the Caribbean until it gets boring before heading to Europe. I have to stop in Zurich and see if I have any money left (ha,ha) then I have some business to take care of in London. A bloke in Bangkok has asked me to go halves on Liverpool FC but frankly I think he's shit out of luck. For one thing I don't like some of Houllier's signings. Owen's no Beckham I fear. Also the Buri Ram girls are scared of Shankley's ghost.
May 5 2004
Crazy about Japanese girls #2: Close quarters
All the other students in my Thai language class were Japanese girls. They couldn't speak English so we got to know each other by chatting in pitiful Thai. It was all rather surreal. They were a friendly bunch, though, and were soon offering me tasty Japanese snacks from their Hello Kitty lunchboxes. Both the girls and the snacks were irresistible so I consumed their food like a huge cuckoo. As my fame spread, Japanese girls from the other classes would come round to feed me too.
Inevitably, I took on the role of class-clown and my efforts were rewarded each day with a giggle-fest of shy Japanese laughter. The Thai teacher, Khru J, was great too. She loved to raise dodgy subjects for discussion - and farang misbehaviour was her favourite. For some reason, she always addressed the most impertinent questions to me.
Naturally, I presented myself as a clean-living chap with no interest in such matters. I did, however, admit to having once been to the Ministry of Sound - a windowless concrete nightclub visible from the classroom. Architecturally, it looks similar to a dodgy massage parlour and Khru J asked me if it actually was one. In setting the record straight, I carelessly revealed the full extent of my nightlife-related vocabulary. Khru J knew all along that it was a nightclub, of course, and had lured me into an elephant trap. She took the piss mercilessly and I never lived it down.
May 4 2004
Crazy about Japanese girls #1: The myths
I've never shagged a Japanese girl but it's definitely on my list of things to do before I get too fat and ugly. Watching them frolic semi-naked in the swimming pool of my Bali hotel (See Japanese bikini babes in Bali) was a wet-dream come to life. Legend has it that they make near perfect girlfriends too.
My exhaustive research into naughty websites reveals that the Japanese favour bizarre sexual practices in which intercourse plays little or no part. When she's not downing a pint of lukewarm semen, our heroine is usually tied up and buried neck-deep in smelly human waste.
Consequently, I'd be worried that an overeager Japanese girlfriend might try to curl one down on my face while I was sleeping. "But I thought you'd be pleased" she'd sob. This puts into perspective the relatively minor cultural differences that have to be overcome by Thai/farang couples.
Apparently, many Japanese women feel unable to criticise their husbands but, if an issue can't be ignored, they might ask a mutual friend to have a quiet word. Instead of asking to borrow your lawnmower, the neighbours might call round to suggest that you pay more attention to your wife's clit during lovemaking.
May 3 2004
Losing the Plot by Chuckwoww: Extract #3
This is the final extract from Losing the Plot (See Losing the Plot by Chuckwoww) and also the longest. In my view, though, it's also the best.
Am I going to die here? Arthur wonders... in Thailand? People did die here... by 'people' he means foreigners of course... they die all the time... in accidents, from natural causes, poisoned by jealous wives. What happened to all the bodies? Did anybody really want them? Would Tui have his body burned or have the bloody thing shipped back to England? Whichever was most economical probably... Her Majesty's Government were unlikely to want it anymore... no I do not want a bloody cigarette lighter thank you... not even that phallic one. Very irritating these vendors. They had grown much more rude and persistent lately... in fact the worse business got the ruder and more persistent they became. How much could they make selling that stuff anyway... a hundred baht a day? Two? The woman with the cigarette lighters... she probably walks miles every day and if she's lucky she might sell one...
Yes it's true Arthur likes to complain about how Thailand isn't what it used to be but in a way he doesn't really care. He has enjoyed the best years... long before the Internet and the tattooed midriff-raff... before the bargirls started calling him Papa. Could be worse Arthur old chap... at least you're not under a bridge somewhere sniffing glue.
May 2 2004
My bizarre Stickman ordeal
Some readers have accused me of giving Stickman a hard time but this isn't true. It would be fair to say, however, that I don't owe the guy any favours and, today, I'll explain why.
Because the practice is mutually beneficial, webmasters of related sites often exchange links. Given that we're ideal link-partners, I wrote to Stickman last September to float the idea. At first, he responded positively but later he went back on his word and sent me some peculiar emails.
Hi Stickman
I recently started a blog about my own Thailand experience called Mango Sauce. Maybe you and your readers would like to take a look.
I would be really grateful if you could feature the following extract (See My wife is a minger. Should I run away to Thailand?) in your weekly column or Readers' Submissions section (or both). I have already included a review of your website here.
Cheers
David
He replied to me the very same day.
David,
Thanks for the email - very nice little piece indeed which I'll be happy to put into the column. The only thing is, while I am happy to give you a link elsewhere, I am unable to do so in the column. Please advise if this is ok. The reason being that some people pay a premium for advertising in the column and do not think it fair that others get free links. So, can provide a link from elsewhere, but not the column....Cheers,
Stick
May 1 2004
The land of vertical smiles
Let's silence once and for all the nudge-nudge wink-wink whispers about the differences between Thai and farang naughty bits. The male angle has already been examined (See Thai lust for farang monster-cock) so, today, we explore the female aspects.
In my open letter to Tata Young (See Tata Young: An apology), I laid down my non-negotiable conditions for performing oral sex on her.
Your naughty bits must be inherited from your Thai mother and not from your farang father. I dimly remember the days when chopped liver was the only dish on the menu but I now prefer to nibble on a cute little mouse's ear.
My choice of words appears to have caused some confusion and Mango Sauce reader, Rita, called for a clarification.
David - Please elaborate on your TG-versus-farang "equipment" metaphors: e.g., "mouse's ear" as compared to "chopped liver". Are you suggesting that not even small 14 - 20 year old farang girls possess "mouse ears"? Or that no Thai women, even after a certain age, evidence some "chopped liver" of their own? If so, this is a very compelling intercultural comparative anatomy lesson. Not to mention the fact that western women, in general, are larger everywhere than many of their Asian counterparts (& we experience "traffic" of a much larger size, which takes its toll;-)) I could be on the wrong track here... what exactly are you talking about... please enlighten us - Rita.
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