April 30 2004
The best divorce letter ever written
Tanai Kwai sends us this gem. It's not about Thailand and we don't know who the author is but it's absolutely priceless - particularly if you've ever been through a bitter divorce (and who hasn't, these days?).
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.
But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?
April 29 2004
Misery for Thai book-lovers
Research reveals that the keenest web-surfers, far from having shit for brains, are also the most avid readers. After giving ourselves a pat on the back for being Renaissance men, let's now affectionately take the piss out of what Thai people jokingly refer to as bookshops.
A love of books is seldom instilled into Thai school kids so their recreational reading rarely rises above the level of the humble comic book - a preference that often survives into adulthood. Bookshops are therefore pretty thin on the ground in Thailand.
Those that do exist offer shelf after shelf of unrelenting dreariness - the literary equivalent of daytime television - often with cringe-making titles like "Smart successful people." Here's a random selection (pictured) from the top Thai language book retailer, Se-Ed Books:
- Tips for dog owners that will be totally disregarded, leaving the scabby hairless mutts to roam the Kingdom's sois on their three good legs;
- Yawn-inducing health and beauty advice with the emphasis on skin-whitening quackery;
- Hard hitting home-truths from a bloke in uniform who reckons that he's pretty tough but also fair minded;
- Baby care misinformation with a scary-looking cover-girl;
- Silly girlish nonsense;
- Wise words from the men in orange.
Then there are the "business" books aimed at thrusting Thai executives. Fortunately, reading these weighty tomes is quite unnecessary - their sole purpose is for use as office props. Crucially, though, the term "CEO" must appear on the front cover in big gold letters.
April 28 2004
What do farang girls say about us?
Many ex-pat fellas dismiss farang girls as being arrogant and miserable but, in reality, there are plenty of exceptions. I wouldn't choose a farang girlfriend myself, though. It's not that I dislike my own kind - it's just that I like Thai girls better (See In praise of Thai girlfriends).
Most farang guys seem to feel the same way. Up against opposition of this calibre, you might expect the ex-pat girls to raise their game but, unfortunately, most don't. Instead of sharpening up their act, they prefer to sharpen their knives. Mango Sauce reader Mandy is typical of the type:
I feel sorry for guys who can't find a decent girl and have to resort to poor countries like Thailand. Guys who kid themselves that these "pretty" Thai girls swoon over them because they are humorous, good looking etc are pathetic. Wake up! They are nothing but whores! I don't understand why western guys find all Thai girls attractive. Most of them are ugly as fuck and they look more like men. Don't forget that they always give you something to remind you of them -- STDs! - Mandy.
What could be more irritating than being patronised by a stupid person? This comment is ill-informed, misleading and downright offensive but, unfortunately, more than a few farang girls living in Thailand would probably agree with her. Men who value courtesy and politeness are unlikely to be impressed by these loud judgemental women. That's why they date Thai girls instead.
April 27 2004
Thai lust for farang monster-cock
It was the office Christmas party and my mate missed the finance director's call for hush. As the noisy crowd fell silent, his final sentence echoed across the room "I'm no oil painting but I've got a big cock and I know how to use it." Though initially they caused consternation, his words soon become part of company folklore and his popularity soared.
Thai bar girls go through a similar change of attitude. At first, they fear our mighty brontosaurus necks but soon, as mouse's ear evolves inexorably into clown's pocket, their overstretched minges tingle with an uncontrollable craving for farang monster-cock - a ravenous hunger that local man-meat is unable to satisfy.
April 26 2004
Tata Young: An apology
My previous piece about fluffy Thai songstress Tata Young stirred up a hornets' nest of controversy (See Tata Young: Sexy, naughty, bitchy) and many of her weeping fans emailed strongly worded complaints in a language that was similar to English - except considerably funnier. Some hurled their brickbats in Thai but, since they were merely turning over the rubble of earlier attacks from their more expensively educated peers, translations were deemed unnecessary.
There's obviously been a terrible misunderstanding. Despite Tata's dreadful music, the truth is that I'm actually very fond of the little minx. In fact, now that Paradorn is out of the picture, I propose to woo her myself.
Hi Tata
I think that we got off on the wrong foot last time so I'd like to begin with an apology. While I still maintain that your stage outfits are somewhat conservative, I was wrong to compare them with those of "Queen Victoria's Grandmother."
I'm now in possession of a dusty sepia photograph dating back to 1871 which clearly shows her majesty posing stark bollock-naked on the stage of the Hackney Empire in East London - with only a potted plant to hide her modesty. I apologise unreservedly for the error and for any embarrassment that it may have caused.
I would say in my defence, however, that your "69" pendant (seen here on the right) was an obvious sexual reference - amusing to your select group of hi-so friends, no doubt, but going safely over the heads of your naive fans.
April 25 2004
Major Cineplex price hike imminent
Though they always deny it, struggling Thai businesses normally react by upping their prices rather than their competitiveness. Every message board in Thailand is cluttered with nightlife-related postings from outraged farangs who think that they are the first person to point this out.
However, I've never heard the explanation couched in such fine terms as those used by the Bangkok Post's business staff, reporting the 20 baht per ticket price hike planned by the Major Cineplex Group.
Major CEO Vicha Poolvaraluck yesterday hinted at the price rise while denying that it was motivated by the company's desire to generate more cash to compensate for a recent slowdown in the cinema business.
By committing these words to memory we can, together, raise the level of farang debate taking place every night on the shabby velvet bench-seats of the nation's go-go bars.
April 24 2004
Thai Prime Minister shows softer side
The bleary-eyed chap in the curious kilt & shawl combo is none other than Thailand's billionaire Prime Minister, Thaksin Shinawatra. Toothbrush in hand, he's pictured here queuing up for the communal bathroom at an Udon Thani temple and, judging by the strained expression on his face, he's bursting for a piss too.
This week's photo-opportunity was staged to reveal the PM's humbler side. It might actually have worked had he not chosen to wear Fendi. It was a brave effort, though and I'm going to award him 7/10 for looking sweet and vulnerable. In fact, if I were a leading designer of ladies haute couture fashion, I'd have him washed and sent up to my room.
April 23 2004
Up-skirt panty shots on the Bangkok Skytrain
Mango Sauce has so far contributed precious little to the glamorous world of celebrity photo-journalism but, today, this is all about to change. I now own one of those funky new camera-phones that Japanese fellas use to take up-skirt panty shots on the Tokyo subway but I'm determined to harness its powers for good rather than evil.
When I took the device out on the streets of Bangkok for the first time, actress Elizabeth Hurley - looking ravishing in a strapless top and black leather mini-skirt - failed to show up at my local chicken noodles stand but persistence finally paid off when I spotted TV's Oprah Winfrey cat-napping on the Skytrain and I took this sneaky snap whilst pretending to send a text message. The effervescent chat-show hostess got off at On Nut, where she proceeded to ransack the delicatessen counter at nearby Tesco Lotus. The effect on her waistline is all too obvious.
OK, so it's not Oprah Winfrey but have you ever noticed how some ordinary Thai people bear a passing resemblance to western celebrities? To first time visitors, the idea seems absurd but, once you've been living here for a while, your brain begins to disregard common racial characteristics - allowing you to pick out the differences between individuals rather than the similarities. Once you've got your eye in, the celebrity-spotting fun can begin.
April 22 2004
The erotic appeal of Thai housework
I love watching women do housework. I always have but it's only since I moved to Thailand that I've been able to indulge my harmless little fetish. The unsung hero of all this is my Thai girlfriend - whose mind is completely untroubled by the fashionable notions of contemporary gender politics.
When her interminable soap operas and quiz shows are briefly interrupted by the news, she enjoys nothing better than to whiz around the house with a broom. It's a wonderful sight and all the more pleasing because I'm not expected to help.
April 20 2004
Mango Sauce comments
When I launched Mango Sauce last year, I envisaged that my daily postings about farang life in Thailand would grow month by month into a carefully catalogued collection of poorly researched and factually inaccurate articles worthy only of derision but the lively comment threads have knocked my plans spectacularly off-course.
The bombastic Mr X summed up perfectly the feelings of the group:
After excessive exposure to the Discovery Channel on weekday nights, I'm beginning to see Mango Sauce as a sort of virtual beehive. My role is similar to that of the queen - but I'm not entirely comfortable with the title and all that it implies.
April 19 2004
Fast Eddie's Lucky 7 A-Go-Go by David Young
If you've washed up in Thailand and are wondering where the hell your life is going, you'll probably wish that you knew someone like Fast Eddie, proprietor of the Lucky 7 A-Go-Go and affable svengali to a rag-tag band of Chiang Mai English teachers who struggle to be decadent on 30,000 baht a month.
In the wake of a near-fatal heart attack, however, Fast Eddie's priorities change and his fun-loving friends are horrified to discover that he now questions the wisdom of his lurid sex-pat lifestyle. His surprise decision to sell the bar precipitates a complex web of intrigue.
The underlying theme is redemption but the big idea develops quietly behind an engaging parade of farang misfits and Thai hookers who play out their relationship difficulties for our voyeuristic reading pleasure. The author covers ground which, in less skilful hands, could have descended into cliche but which, instead, takes Thailand fiction to a new level.
In fact, I hesitate to label Fast Eddie's as "Thailand fiction" because the term has slightly negative connotations - like "local newspaper." In my opinion, the book has broader appeal than most in the genre and could easily find an audience without flaunting its Thailand credentials. It's a thumping good read and the characters are so believable that they must be based on real people.
April 18 2004
The World's scariest cockroach chases
When my Thai girlfriend collected her treasured photo albums from her mum's house, she didn't consider the resident army of cockroaches. Her oversight allowed a small platoon of foot-soldiers to hitch a lift over to our place.
I'm no etymologist but I've managed to identify two distinct species of cockroach in the Thai urban habitat. They probably have fancy Latin handles but we are all men of science here so I'll refer to them by their proper names - big'uns and little'uns.
Though the big'uns have long regarded my apartment as home, the little'uns have always had more pressing business elsewhere. Their strategy must have changed, though, because, when my girlfriend set the albums down on the floor, they jumped out and steamed through immigration without filling in their landing cards.
April 17 2004
Bangkok Post's non-PC boom boom teaser
As the noose of political correctness and media censorship grows ever tighter in Thailand, it was nice to see yesterday's Bangkok Post enjoying a little subversive fun. Look at this mincer's name and then try telling me that he got his daft blue face in the paper because of his critically acclaimed performance.
April 16 2004
Stop whining you jammy farang bastard
This is the edited version of a brick-bat hurled by a fella calling himself Objective Observer. It's a bit of a rant but he does make a very good point.
Why not return to wherever the hell you come from and get a dose of reality? You'd crawl on your knees like dogs for any women close to a Thai girl if you were back home and you damn well know it. You guys are living in paradise and are so jaded or angry that you don't even know it. You ought to get off the slamming of Thai bar girls too, as it indicates your total ignorance of the real world. You lucky bastards live in a sexual paradise and whine and whine. You can spend a night in Bangkok with a wet-dream girl for the price of admission to a lap-dance joint anywhere else in the entire first world. You guys have it made and you don't even know it.
His comment was directed at me but I'll say a few words in my defence later. In the meantime, I want to share a story about a guy who used to be my friend. Let's call him Keith Misery.
April 15 2004
Losing the Plot by Chuckwoww: Extract #2
This is the second of three extracts from Losing the Plot (See Losing the Plot by Chuckwoww) and it's a classic.
Raffy comes back all smiles with three cans of beer. "I've got to tell you blokes this story. I just remembered it. I'm in Bangkok right? Khao Sarn Road or whatever they call it, sitting in a caff and some girl asks me if I fancy a smoke yeah. I say OK and off we go in a taxi and she lights up a joint. Next thing I know I'm bollock naked in a house somewhere and there's a bloke with tits sucking my dick and another one making a video of it... but I don't get angry cos it's so comical yeah... just said bloody 'ell what's all this then and one of them starts crying and says 'oh you are so beautiful please stay with me...' and the other one says 'you go now OK?' so I find me clothes and next thing I'm off in a tuk-tuk back to Khao Sarn Road... but the funny thing is I get back to the guest 'ouse, yeah, and it turns out I lost 4 days somewhere and all me cash was gone. All I 'ad was a bunch of Marks and Spencers vouchers so I give 'em to the tuk-tuk driver an said 'ere get something nice for your mum' and then 'e starts screamin' at me and 2 Swedish girls show up and lend me 100 baht... I was so grateful I fucked them both in Khao Sarn Road... well not in the road obviously... in the guest 'ouse... "
April 14 2004
I fucking hate Songkran
If some wanker threw a drink over you in a pub, the correct response would be to punch his fucking lights out. During Thailand's Songkran week, however, the rules of polite social conduct are turned on their head.
If the same wanker drenches you with a bucket of filthy water - thereby ruining your clothes and short-circuiting your cellphone - you have to smile like a gormless twat or people will accuse you of not entering into the spirit of things. Fuck that - I'm determined not to leave my apartment all week.
April 13 2004
10 secrets of Bangkok airport
This week, I put the retail outlets of Bangkok's Don Muang airport to the test by hunting for 10 items that might feature on a typical traveller's shopping list. Here they are in order of importance:
1. Big bottle of water
Though essential to maintain human life, water is a rare and expensive commodity at Bangkok airport. Tiny bottles suitable only for hamster cages are available - but at a price. Drinking fountains (if they exist) are kept well-hidden. My recommendation: Lap up dirty water from puddles on the tarmac before you board the plane.
2. Book
The possibility of having to endure 120 minutes of Scooby Doo 2 is the best reason for bringing a good book. Bangkok airport has plenty of bookstands but they offer little but Thailand fiction and coffee-table tomes about teak houses. The prices are a piss-take too. Tea Money by Jake Needham, which normally retails for 450 baht in Asia Books, costs a whopping 720 baht at the airport. My recommendation: Spend the entire flight reading the safety procedures.
April 11 2004
Rare neurological disorder found in Thai bar girls
Bar girl brainscan
Our Mango Sauce Science Correspondent investigates the link between cross-wired electrical pathways in the human brain and Thai bar girl behaviour.
Consider the following true stories of farangs and their live-in Thai girlfriends:
a) Before going to work a farang asked his girlfriend what she was going to do that afternoon. He was told "Go cinema, my sister." When he came home he asked "How was the cinema?" BBB's answer: "Not go. Play pool. Sister go Italy with boyfriend last month."
b) A farang had two TV's in his house. One was in the living room which his girlfriend kept on Thai TV 17 hours a day. The other he kept in the bedroom so he could watch football and sport on UBC. He returned home one day to find his TV gone. "Where's my TV?" he asked. Reply from BBB: "My brother came. He no have TV. We have two. I give him one."
c) A farang went on a visa run and was away for three days. He returned to find an empty space in the kitchen. The fridge had disappeared. "Where's the fridge?" he asked. Little BBB replied: "Spend all money you give me. None left. Need more. Sell fridge. You buy new one."
April 10 2004
Tony Soprano's Thai blowjob surprise
The Thai media censors have no objection to programmes showing mangled corpses or deformed babies but they draw the line at someone puffing on a cigarette. By pixellating the thing out, they respond as if the smoker was waggling his genitalia.
The funniest example of this nonsense was in a Thai-sreened episode of the Sopranos. Tony Soprano is lying in bed, holding a big Cuban cigar beside his left hip. As his mistress leans forward to light it for him, her head disappears into the pixellated area and it looks like she's performing a service of an entirely different nature.
April 9 2004
Thai Airways genital mutilation horror
Could the Thai Airways in-flight magazine, Sawasdee, be advocating cannibalism? This delicacy, pictured on page 51 of the April issue, doesn't look like any Thai dish that I've ever eaten.
Indeed, I must say that I wouldn't want to sample it because, if I'm not mistaken, this smiling Thai Airways trolley-dolly is busy carving slices off the end of a black man's cock.
The accompanying article assures Thai Airways passengers that "All types of meat incorporated in flight meals have been through the Halal process" but this knowledge must be of scant comfort to the unfortunate donor.
Let's hope and pray that he elected to undergo gender realignment surgery and that Thai Airways was merely serving up the leftovers.
April 8 2004
FHM: Entertaining Thai translations
The Bangkok Post's Thai translation lessons are written by a lady who covers issues such as baking rice cakes or making offerings to the monks. I've yet to read one that's even slightly relevant to my life.
Lad-mag, FHM, is more to my taste. There isn't a monk or a rice cake in sight. FHM publishes different editions in each country - including Thailand. Most of the articles are recycled, so comparing the Thai language version to an English language version yields plenty of useful translations (See: Jordan bares all).
April 7 2004
Confessions of a Thai driving instructor #2
Our Mango Sauce Crime Correspondent brings us the concluding episode of this splendid Thai farce (See: Confessions of a Thai driving instructor #1).
Hearing the knock on the door, and then a voice she recognized, little Miss Roong quickly realized that she was in danger of being caught in flagrante delicto. Pushing off the thrusting Somchai she threw most of his clothes at him and hurled him through the back kitchen door just as the front door shattered and Pascal charged into the apartment.
Now Roong was much smarter than your average girl. She knew she had only seconds to figure out an escape story so, as a temporary holding measure, she did a quick faint and collapsed on the floor. Pascal rushed to pick-up his naked girlfriend and carried her to the bed where she slowly came to. Roong's story was simple: she had been drugged and didn't know what had happened to her. Hesitatingly, she explained she had been given a lift home by her driving instructor who gave her something to drink after which she fell asleep.
April 6 2004
Confessions of a Thai driving instructor #1
This true crime story has everything - an oversexed Thai girl, her lecherous Thai driving instructor and a jealous farang boyfriend. Our Mango Sauce Crime Correspondent takes up the story:
Khun Roong was a pretty girl. She was not just tall and slim but was also really quite a bright girl. In fact, she was everything a farang desired. Her latest boyfriend was French (let's call him Pascal) who ran a restaurant in a trendy Sukhumvit soi.
Pascal had found her a nice apartment (living room and kitchen and satellite TV) off one of the more desirable Sukhumvit sois and it was only a five minute journey to visit her on his motorbike in between lunch and dinner or whenever business was slow. Roong had almost everything she could possibly want - but one thing was missing, she decided. She needed a little car.
Her boyfriend laughed when she suggested he buy her one as "ma cherie you cannot drive." But he was soon persuaded to part with 20,000 baht for driving lessons and a promise that, if she passed her test, she would receive the little car she so desperately desired.
April 5 2004
Patpong's secret toll-booth
When Patpong closes for the night, all the taxis mysteriously vanish. Elsewhere in the city, however, they are so plentiful that their red "for hire" lights could be mistaken for a swarm of fire-flies. It seems that Patpong is a red-light district in name only.
Unless you want to get ripped off by the surly blackmailers who park nearby, finding a taxi-driver willing to use the meter usually means a 10 minute walk. Your Thai companion will, of course, act like you'd asked her to ascend Everest without oxygen.
Last week, I uncovered the secret of Patpong's taxi-drought - and it's nothing to do with late-night congestion. My informant was that rarest of all species - an honest Patpong taxi-driver. Like an exotic migratory bird blown off course, he had ended up in Patpong by accident - and, amazingly, his light was on.
April 4 2004
Losing the Plot by Chuckwoww: Extract #1
Reviewing Losing the Plot was hard because it breaks all the rules of published fiction (See Losing the Plot by Chuckwoww). Though flawed, it's a treat for Thailand-lovers and possibly deserves cult status. Now you can judge for yourself because the author has kindly allowed me to publish this extract.
With Bert stuck for an answer and Raffy across the road getting some beers this might be a good time to check on Arthur. He's not too far away as it happens. His wife Tui arrived in Bangkok as planned and together they'd done a bit of shopping.
Arthur got rid of his panty collection before she arrived. Just like that. One morning, in a fit of self-disgust he'd tipped the lot into a dumpster behind, appropriately enough, Robinson, where so many of them had been purchased. Did he miss them? Only when he thought about it, which he did, for a few moments, on the bus with Tui from Ekamai to Pattaya. But in a way he's glad they're gone. Now he's leaning back in his deckchair staring out across the Gulf of Thailand. Something he can do for hours.
April 3 2004
The Eye 2
The Eye isn't just a great horror movie; it was a revelation. Free of stodgy romance and katoey-related tomfoolery (See Bangkok International Film Festival), I thought it was the best Thai film of all time - until I found out that it was actually made by the Pang Brothers from Hong Kong. It was mostly filmed in Thailand, though.
With a pedigree like this, The Eye 2 had to be worth a look - particularly as it stars the delicious Shu Qi (See Shu Qi: Actress and nude model). Undeterred by a poor review in the Bangkok Post, I went to see for myself. In all honesty, though, I'd watch a lengthy documentary about the manufacture of Thai handicrafts if Shu Qi was in it.
In my view, the critics got it wrong. The Eye 2 is almost as good as its predecessor. It does employ similar scare tactics but, so long as you don't watch both films in the same month, they still work.
April 2 2004
Thai girls disfigured by nose-job obsession
Today, I noticed a Thai girl whose face was covered by a huge sticking-plaster. If she wasn't a paranoid celebrity, then she was one of the ever-growing number of Thai girls opting to put their noses under the knife.
Nose-jobs are popular everywhere but, in Thailand, they're an obsession. Not only are Thai girls made to feel ashamed of their gorgeous brown skin (See Thai skin whitening model is a fraud). Their cute bridgeless noses are also deemed ugly and inadequate. For reasons I don't understand, Thai men prefer their girlfriends to be counterfeit farangs.
April 1 2004
Buri Ram girls abducted by aliens
The riddle of Buri Ram's missing girls has finally been solved. Our Mango Sauce Space Correspondent has the details:
An American newspaper recently reported the results of a survey showing that: (a) no-one could recall voting for George Bush Jnr and (b) that 4 million Americans claimed to have been abducted by Aliens (See www.csicop.org). While the first survey result is quite understandable; the second finding might, at first sight, seem rather improbable - that is until the results of strange happenings involving little green men in north-east Thailand are revealed.
If you have ever walked down a village street in Buri Ram province (why you should be doing that is, in itself, an interesting survey question) you might notice a complete absence of females in the age group 15 - 30 years old. In fact, all you see on those dusty streets are groups of rather surly men loitering idly to no good intent (if all you had to look at were grandmothers and buffalos perhaps you'd be grumpy too). But where have all the little brown bunnies gone?
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
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December 2006
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October 2006
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July 2005
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December 2004
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