March 31 2004
Relax in a traditional Thai massage parlour
Relaxation isn't the first thing that springs to mind when I think about Bangkok massage parlours but let's put aside "soapy fun" for a moment to explore the underrated pleasures of traditional Thai massage.
"Floating on air" is how many people describe the experience and the positive effects can last for days. Compare this to the dull routine of shagging a bored slapper in a short-time hotel room and you could argue that traditional Thai massage is better than sex. It's available at a fraction of the price too - 250 baht ($6) for two hours.
Traditional Thai massage is fairly intimate so, to avoid embarrassment, don't forget to give your girlfriend a quickie before you go. If you don't want to waste valuable time on foreplay and cuddling, excuses don't come much better than this.
March 30 2004
Motivational art on Soi Cowboy
As they admire themselves in the mirror, Soi Cowboy go-go dancers at the Dollhouse can also feast their eyes on this motivational artwork. Lovingly crafted from sturdy polystyrene, you'll never see this masterpiece hung in the Louvre but it's a damn sight better than the shite they put in the Guggenheim.
March 29 2004
Thai balcony death-plunge for Suicide Sid?
Every year, hundreds of suicidal farang fellas max out their credit cards and head off to Thailand for a final fling. It's a bit like when kids with leukaemia get sent to Disneyworld - except the rides here aren't suitable for children.
Occasionally, I stop for a drink at a small beer bar off Sukhumvit. One of the regulars there is a quiet English fella called Sid (not his real name) who always sits alone watching the UBC sports channels. For two years we exchanged nothing more than a nod but, one evening, he turned round and said hello.
My surprise soon turned to astonishment. Far from having nothing to say, silent Sid turned out to be very articulate. He was well travelled, knowledgeable and a pleasure to talk to. He seemed a little world-weary but I was still surprised when he calmly said that he planned to kill himself quite soon.
March 28 2004
Shu Qi: Actress and nude model
What would you do if you found Shu Qi trussed up like a Christmas turkey in the trunk of your car? This was the dilemma facing tough-guy actor Jason Statham in the hit movie The Transporter. He's paid to ferry a special "package" to an evil crime boss but can't resist taking a peek.
I couldn't resist taking a peek myself when the newly unwrapped Shu Qi decides to take a bath. Lucky Jason gets to shag her but he also pays the price when the cheeky minx gets him into all sorts of bother. This phenomenon is usually associated with Thai women but I can exclusively reveal that Shu Qi actually comes from Taiwan.
The 28 year-old actress also starred in So Close - Hong Kong's answer to Charlie's Angels - but, before that, she made ends meet as a naughty nude model. Far from being artistic studies, many of Shu Qi's early photos are crudely-snapped beaver-shots - but are quite charming all the same.
March 27 2004
Why do rich Thai girls act like hookers?
Mango Sauce reader Mary B has asked me to explain why some rich Thai girls behave like prostitutes.
Ok, now I'm really confused. Why is the competent English-speaking girl that approached Steve in a public place (See Was my dream date a con-girl?) and attempted to separate him from his friends, either a con-girl or a freelancer, but "Nok" (See Is his Thai Internet bride a con-girl?) who exhibited ALL the above and many more con-girlesque behaviors in seducing "Mark", merely a disturbed rich teenager?? How does a rich teenage Thai-Chinese girl all of a sudden conduct herself in every manner like a call girl? How would she even know how to?
Granted she IS disturbed, but how would a rich girl just happen to know & follow all steps listed in "The Complete Thai Con-Girl/Hooker Manual", unless she was one herself, all along? Or were you suggesting that her rich breeding gave way to con-girl/hooker-like behaviors, by necessity, when she was "excommunicated" by her family & made to live on her own, and that she was a fast learner?
March 26 2004
Miss Noo's Best Bangkok Short-Time Hotels
The year's hottest publishing sensation has been commissioned by our Mango Sauce Literature Correspondent:
Strolling through Asia Books the other day I noticed copies of "Tatler's Guide to the Best Restaurants in Thailand" on sale. This jogged my memory to track down Khun Noo who I commissioned some time ago to write "Miss Noo's Guide to the Best Short Time Hotels in Bangkok."
Khun Noo is one of those girls who you're always bumping into (quite literally!). A one time King's Group go-go dancer she's now a freelancer who's typically found after midnight in CM2, Music Cafe, Nana Disco or, in more distant times, the Grace Hotel or Thermae. In her late twenties she's been around for the best part of ten years and during this time has established impeccable credentials to write a guide to the hotels of Bangkok. Imagine: ten years plus over two hundred customers a year equals, at least, two thousand hotel nights. Great shame that most of the hotels she goes to don't give Frequent Flyer points!
March 25 2004
Death to Mango Sauce
I get loads of death-threats for publishing Mango Sauce but the most recent potential assassin was daft enough to disclose his email address. Yes, Peter Chotiphan, you made a bit of a blunder there.
You are mother-fucker a sick man. I now try to find who are you. I will reward you a good prize for what you promote my country in a fucking way. watch your back........... I will get you soon - PeterChotiphan@aol.com.
The wording of his threat isn't very entertaining, though, so here are some better ones:
is ridiculous what said here. the man runs site or writes for his employers can be arrest - his evil and selfish and rapist of ladies. he should thank his corrupt god he not where i am in thailand, he should never come to ko samuii or his dispicable will be end - Sompaal.
March 24 2004
Learn Thai & woo Thai girls
Speak Thai and you'll be beating them off with a shitty stick.
When I arrived in Bangkok for the first time, I'd already completed the ubiquitous Linguaphone Thai Course and was thrilled to discover that I could bother Thai women in their own language. This was all the more remarkable given that I studied French at school for 8 years and could barely say "bonjour".
There were a few upsets along the way, though. The first time I spoke Thai for real was at a Thai restaurant in London. Naturally, I was keen to shine and ordered for everyone. The waitress stared at me in blank incomprehension. She was Malaysian and I had just made a complete tit of myself.
When playing pool, I used to envy the farang guys who could chalk their names up in Thai. It was these showboating tossers who gave me the incentive to learn how to read and write. The Linguaphone course includes a slim booklet that gets you literate in just 12 lessons. It's a minimalist work of genius. I was confidently reading and writing Thai after just 2 weeks. I still don't chalk my name up in Thai though. For those who suspect that I'm a wanker, this would be providing written proof.
March 23 2004
Losing the Plot by Chuckwoww
Bert, a Harley-riding fuck-up from Orange County, contemplates his balcony death-plunge in Pattaya. Backpacker Danny finds a parcel of drugs in a Samui internet cafe. Narm leaves her daughter in her brother's care only to discover that he has raped her. Lonely ex-pat Beth realises that her male co-workers have more fun when she's not around.
To judge Losing the Plot by its awful cover would be a mistake. It contains some seriously good writing. However, it also needs some seriously good editing. Many of the individual tales are interesting and well-written but they are strung together in a rather contrived way. The book would work better as a collection of short stories.
The central character, Chuck, is a regular Mr Nice Guy who works at the US Embassy in Bangkok. Being the narrator, he gets far more attention than he deserves. The screwed-up support characters are much more engaging and I found myself wishing that Chuck would take some annual leave so I could read more about them.
March 21 2004
Farang boyfriend steals victory in extra-time
This sneaky Thai tart thought she'd won a home game against her farang boyfriend but didn't reckon with a surprise goal in extra-time. Our Sports Correspondent takes up the story:
If you were watching the sports channel on TV and you heard the football score Team BBB 257,000 goals Team F 1 goal, you might be forgiven for thinking that you misheard or that the announcer was drunk. In fact, this score is true and represents the number of times Team "BBB", which stands for Bouncing Babes from Buri Ram (not Bradford, Bingley and Blackburn), have out-played Team F which is Team Farang.
Well, you might say, the only surprising thing here is that Team Farang actually scored a goal and on one occasion managed to get the better of a Buri Ram girl. How could this happen? Even if she was permanently drunk it would be most unusual for a Farang to out-manoeuvre a BBB.
The story goes like this. John was an English teacher working on Silom Road. Even though his salary was modest he was still able to visit Patpong a couple of times a week and soon he made the acquaintance of Khun Nong who, in due course, moved-in to live with him. All was well for a few months until one day Khun Nong announced that maybe she would like to have a baby and get married.
March 20 2004
Thai cops shut CM2 nightclub for 30 days
CM2 nightclub, in the basement of the Siam Square Novotel, is the favourite hunting-ground of Bangkok's high-class hookers. They will have to find somewhere else to sell their provocative arses this month, though, because the Thai cops raided the place on Thursday and shut it down for 30 days.
If you report a crime in any country, the police are usually far too busy to investigate. However, if a case involves sex and beautiful women, they will be queuing 10-deep for a sniff of the action. Fans of Starsky and Hutch will recall that no police station scene was ever complete without a scantily-clad hooker being manhandled in the background.
Thai cops are no different, of course. Despite the absence of victims, they love to cruise nightlife venues, investigating "crimes" committed by sexy girls. Interestingly, though, they save their biggest collective hard-on for Russian hookers. The Thai press loves them too - particularly when the arresting officers organise humiliating nude photo sessions. CM2 is famous for it's Russian freelancers so, despite it being owned by an MP from the ruling Thai Rak Thai Party, the cops must have been aching to burst in.
March 19 2004
Mr Ben's law office
At the mouth of Soi Zero stands Mr Ben's law office. Though no bigger than a phone box, its sign-boards could rig a sailing ship. Mr Ben is a self-styled lawyer, private detective and translator. Look closely and you'll notice that he sells Wall's ice-cream too. Unlike other lawyers, Mr Ben can guarantee the outcome of your case - because he also claims to be a fortune teller.
March 18 2004
Thai true stories: Lively chicken dinner
Last year, I met a young backpacker called Adam who had visited rural Isaan for the first time. Unable to speak Thai, he communicated with the locals using sign language.
For dinner, he wanted to eat chicken but couldn't make the waiter understand. Getting to his feet, he pretended to be a chicken by flapping his elbows and bobbing his head. The waiter gestured that he didn't understand and called his Thai buddies over to help. Adam obliged by adding sound effects to his routine.
March 17 2004
Thai blowjob bar stomach-pump horror
Marc Almond dismisses claims
Working in a Thai blowjob bar has to be the World's most demeaning occupation. Who would want to spend their working day attending to countless sweaty crotches and swallowing load after load of sticky man-yogurt? It crossed my mind that it might also be bad for the girls' health.
We all know the story about 80s disco queen, Marc Almond. Legend has it that he collapsed on stage with a suspected drug overdose and was rushed to hospital to have his stomach pumped. Instead of pills, the doctors discovered a pint of semen. Almond vehemently denies the story, claiming that it's an urban myth. He may well be right but, when you look at him, it's easy to understand why most of us found it so plausible.
March 16 2004
Thai visa run chaos in Denpasar, Bali
With a new Thai Consulate just opened in Bali, I wanted to test the island's potential as a Thai visa run destination. Located in a Denpasar industrial zone some 30 minutes drive from Kuta beach and the airport, the Thai Consulate proved hard to find. My taxi driver checked dozens of name plates and eventually located the Consulate on the fourth floor of an anonymous warehouse building.
Escorted up four flights of narrow steps, I managed to squeeze myself into the tiny office of the Thai Consul's secretary without knocking anything over. Her name was Yani and she seemed surprised to see me. After checking my form, Yani explained that, in addition to my passport, she needed 3 photos, a photocopy of my air ticket and US $25. Local currency was not acceptable.
For a simple tourist visa, no Thai Consulate has ever asked me for so much. Yani eventually agreed to accept the usual 2 photographs and allowed me to fax through a copy of my air ticket later. She wouldn't budge on the US dollars, though. I only had Thai baht and we both saw the irony of Thai officials judging their own currency worthless.
March 15 2004
Thai skin-whitening model is a fraud
In Thailand, no commercial break is complete without a gormless model applying a blob of skin-whitening cream to her porcelain cheeks. It's all bollocks of course and the gullible women who buy it would be better off using a sunscreen. Some are left permanently scarred by the caustic ingredients in the more dubious brands. My girlfriend's mum is one of them.
Angelina Jolie aside, I'm not particularly interested in women who share the same ghostly pallor as me. Like many farang men, I love brown skin and my Thai girlfriend fits the bill perfectly.
Unlike her, many Thai women hate their dark skin and wear it like a badge of shame. Given the choice between a brown-skinned babe and a white skinned pig, Thai men will choose the pig every time. Little wonder then that the skin-whitening business is Thailand's favourite quackery.
March 14 2004
Was my Thai dream date a con-girl?
Steve had dinner with a friendly Thai woman he met in an internet cafe but decided not to take things further. Now he's wondering whether he did the right thing.
I once met an attractive 28 year old Thai girl in an internet cafe. Surprisingly, she approached me and we got to talking.
Supposedly, she owned a bookstore, but was becoming bored with it and looking for new business opportunties. I ended up taking her for dinner and she talked about how her english was improving with each day, and that she had even started to dream in the language.
Dinner ended and we each paid separate bills, then she invited me to hang out with her for the evening and go to see fireworks. I was a bit hesitant, so I told her I had to talk with my friends first. She asked me to choose between her and my friends, so I said that I'd already made plans. I offered to introduce her to my friends, but she declined.
In your opinion, is this normal behaviour? Was I right to flee the scene? Do you think she had alterior motives?
March 14 2004
Cruel and unusual?
Disturbing news about the War on Terror from Mango Sauce reader, David.
Saturday's Bangkok Post carries the story of one of the Britons, suspected of being an al- Qaeda terrorist, who was recently released from Guantanamo Bay. He recounts how when the Americans wished to punish or humiliate a prisoner they would force the inmate to watch a local prostitute cavorting with no clothes on. He is quoted as saying "It was a profoundly disturbing experience."
If this form of punishment catches on, it could add a new dimension to being sent to the naughty boys' corner. Imagine the scene:
Husband to wife: "Honey - I'm very sorry I forgot to buy you something for your birthday."
Wife: "You're a very wicked man. I'm going to punish you by sending you to Pat Pong for four hours to watch girls dance with no clothes on. That will make sure you don't forget next year!"
When you've been naughty, why can you never find an imaginative CIA interrogator when you need one?
March 13 2004
Thai whore phone pests
Thai phone pests usually ring off before you can answer. The cheeky fuckers expect you to call them back at your own expense. These calls are the cellphone equivalent of spam. As with junk emails, they invariably come from dubious individuals who don't deserve a reply.
Thai whores are the main culprits. When business is slow, they work through the phonebooks of their expensive Nokia handsets. The technique is usually employed by whores of the clingy pain-in-the-ass variety. If they were more likeable, the fellas would be calling them.
March 12 2004
The curse of your mummy's womb
In Thailand, the birth of a son is sometimes greeted with dismay. Mango Sauce reader David explains why.
My girlfriend's mother, Khun Joom, is a lucky lady. Everyone says so. Why? Because she has four daughters. A thousand miles away, the late Sir Y.K Pao was Hong Kong's richest and most respected man but when people saw him in the street they shuddered and said "Ay yah! Such a shame! Poor man he has four daughters!"
What's going on? In China daughters are considered a curse. In fact, traditional Chinese didn't even give their daughters names, other than daughter number one, number two etc. Daughters can't work properly in the fields, are extra mouths to feed and you have to give a dowry to another family to get rid of them.
In north-east Thailand daughters are a blessing. Khun Joom, who lives in a small village near Buri Ram, packed her daughters off to Bangkok as soon as each one became seventeen. Two have Farang boyfriends, one is a hostess in a night club while number four has just arrived and is feeling her way in Patpong.
March 11 2004
10 tips for rekindling Thai hooker love
1. Keep your travel plans secret from your Thai hooker sweetheart. That way, when you turn up at her go-go bar unannounced, she'll cry tears of joy.
2. When you find her with another guy, wearing only a thong and a puzzled expression, storm over and make an embarrassing scene.
3. Win back her affections with a poorly chosen gift that has little or no resale value. When she fails to go crazy with excitement, act like a petulant child.
4. Ask her why she isn't wearing the gold bracelet that you gave her last year as a token of your sincere and undying love. If she says that it's in her room, march her there and tear the place apart in a futile search.
March 10 2004
Friends of Mango Sauce
These websites have kindly linked to Mango Sauce.
March 9 2004
Rough treatment for Thailand sex-tourists
Thailand is a popular sex-tourist destination but politically-correct guidebooks, such as The Rough Guide, offer somewhat biased advice. According to them, gay sex-tourism is perfectly ok but a straight bloke doing exactly the same thing is a lecherous punter. Here's a quote from Thailand: The Rough Guide which illustrates where they are coming from:
March 8 2004
New gene discovered in Thai bar girl DNA #2
Yesterday we explored the function of the "Reverse Alchemy" gene, in Thai bar girl DNA (See New gene discovered in Thai bar girl DNA #1). Today, we unlock the puzzle of their "Pentium 28" gene. Our Science Correspondent takes up the story.
The "Pentium 28" gene, found most commonly in girls from Buriram, confers an ability to micro-process visual information at speeds previously unidentified in the human brain. Seemingly, a visual image can be scanned and processed into a course of action within 28 "nano" seconds.
Scientists are unable to explain exactly how this process works but the scientist identifying this gene recounts a story to illustrate how this gene can be "turned on" and gives an example of how it operates.
While carrying out his research in Thailand the scientist employed a Thai assistant who told him that she had a cousin in Buri Ram, who she had not seen for three years, who was coming to Bangkok. This cousin was described as a poor dumpy village girl who was very dull and had spots. Apparently, this poor girl had been giving away her favours to all the village boys and now her mother had decided to bring her to Bangkok where, at least, she could be paid for giving away her charms and, what's more, she might even acquire some gold trinkets to support her mother's old age.
March 7 2004
New gene discovered in Thai bar girl DNA #1
Today, Mango Sauce steps down from its chromium pole to bring you news of exciting discoveries in the field of molecular biology. This from our new Science Correspondent.
Scientists recently announced an amazing discovery in studies of the human genome with the identification of two previously unknown genes which are only found in the female population of north eastern Thailand. The two genes, which they have called the "Reverse Alchemy" and "Pentium 28" genes, are identified most commonly in girls of the 15-30 age group in the provinces of Buri Ram, Surin and Khon Kaen.
The Reverse Alchemy gene confers a unique ability to transform gold objects into base metals. The type of gold that is particularly susceptible is the highly shiny yellow gold, known among these girls as "Farang" gold, which is typically found in necklaces, bracelets and rings.
As is well known, whenever any Farang gives a Thai girlfriend a piece of jewelry within days this trinket mysteriously disappears. When the farang asks "where is the lovely bracelet I bought you?" he is inevitably told that it was lost, stolen or, even more brazenly, just given away. According to the scientists what happens is that the gene imposes an irresistible urge that drives the girl to take the gold ornament to the nearest gold shop where it is immediately sold for baht. It seems that nothing the girl can do can override this compelling force to transmute the shiny gold object into base metal (or notes).
March 6 2004
Lucy Thai: Asian American porn star
Normally found impaled on either a dildo or her co-workers, accident-prone Lucy Thai, 18, is a popular Asian American porn star. Apparently, she has large natural breasts and a great ass. Aside from that, Lucy Thai's background remains a mystery because her only known biography appears on the back cover of a porn video.
So what can we deduce about her? The butterfly tattooed on Lucy's lower abdomen suggests that she might be a bit of a butterfly herself and her staring role in Ass Pounders 2 lends some weight to this idea.
In spite of her name, Lucy Thai doesn't look like she comes from Thailand. What she does look like is ultra-dumb, wearing the same slack-jawed expression in every shot. In fairness, though, you don't need a tertiary education to perform alongside Brian Pumper in Me luv U long time 5.
March 5 2004
Private eye exposes my Thai girlfriend's lies
I once employed a private detective to spy on my Thai girlfriend. When I told my mates about it, they were gobsmacked. They assumed that only Philip Marlowe and classy 1930s broads did stuff like this. In Thailand, though, hiring a private eye is sometimes unavoidable.
Before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I'm an elderly piss-soaked invalid keeping tabs on my pouting teenage wife and her muscular tennis coach, let me explain the circumstances.
Three years ago, I had a serious row with my Thai girlfriend. The timing couldn't have been worse because I had to go to London the very next day. On arrival at Heathrow, I received a text message saying that she'd committed suicide.
March 4 2004
Thai rabbit in the moon
Your date will always feel romantic when you look up at the night sky together. If only you could think of something appropriate to say, her knickers would be down in a flash. Now, help is at hand. In the northern hemisphere we can see the face of a man in the full moon. Near the equator, however, the moon appears to be tilted 90 or so degrees. According to Thai folklore it contains not a man but a rabbit.
Can you see it?
March 3 2004
Thai bars to close at 1am - yes, really!
Here we go again. The Cabinet has backed down on midnight closing. All nightspots will now close at 1am - both inside and outside the designated entertainment zones. In other words, the new zoning regulations have been set aside in favour of an across-the-board 1am shutdown.
Then it gets complicated. Deputy Interior Minister Pracha Maleenond says that only existing nightspots will escape the new zoning regulations. I take this to mean that any new bars opened outside the designated entertainment zones (Patpong, Ratchadaphisek and New Petchaburi) will be forced to close at midnight.
Then it gets even more complicated. Torphong Chaiyasarn, a deputy government spokesman, says that the new zoning policy will only be applied to penalise nightspots which break the law - for example, by allowing in under-18s or closing late. I take this to mean that the Thai police can, at their discretion, close any selected bar at 12pm - so long as it's located outside the zones. For the boys in brown and their tea-money fund, Christmas has come early.
March 2 2004
Baby oil catch-me-if-you-can in Bali
The bikini-clad Japanese girls who frolicked in the pool of our Bali hotel proved to be surprisingly approachable but our inability to speak their language was frustrating. It crossed my mind that some sort of shared activity or party game could break the ice.
Baby oil catch-me-if-you-can is a game suitable for any number of players but it's only worthwhile if all the other participants are female. The protagonist strips naked, covers himself in baby oil and surprises a group of bikini-clad Japanese girls by running amok in their hotel room squealing "Catch me, catch me!"
March 1 2004
Thailand closes at midnight tonight
Despite tatty, rubbish-strewn beach resorts, ugly congested cities and a lack of cultural attractions, Thailand has built a thriving tourist industry that accounts for some 15% of its GDP. Perhaps it's the laid-back charm of the Thai people that keeps us coming back. Without this, Thailand would have less tourist appeal than South Korea.
Thailand was once renowned for its tolerance but, sadly, not anymore. Puritan policies are now in vogue. In the name of social order, Thailand's once freewheeling entertainment industry is struggling to survive under increasingly severe restrictions. Tonight, all but a fraction of the nation's entertainment venues will be forced to close at midnight.
The exceptions tell their own story. Tired Thai plutocrats can still linger in their favourite Ratchadapisek and New Petchburi watering holes until 2am. Similarly, their wayward offspring can still dance until the early hours at the RCA. Without spoiling the fun of the ruling classes, ministers have decided that everyone else should be sent to bed early like naughty children - locals and foreign tourists alike. At midnight, the farang-friendly bars of Pattaya, Phuket and Bangkok (excluding Patpong) will all fall silent.
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
December 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
