February 29 2004
Japanese bikini babes in Bali
With their perfect skin and amazing figures, bikini-clad Japanese girls are hard to ignore. Bali is heaving with them and the sexiest ones could often be found frolicking in our hotel swimming pool.
With their stylish clothes and funky haircuts, we expected them to exude the same aloof attitude as western girls. Instead, they were delightfully polite and friendly. The Balinese staff pursued them relentlessly and, crucially, spoke fluent Japanese (See Horny female sex-tourists in Bali).
I would normally describe my travelling companion as a top bloke. In Bali, however, our friendship was put under severe strain when a couple of bikini-clad Japanese stunners asked him, not me, to take their photo.
February 28 2004
The Nation reviews Mango Sauce
Yesterday, Mango Sauce was reviewed by The Nation, Thailand's popular English language daily.
Phil Macdonald's Friday Expat Page is the best reason for reading The Nation so I was pleased to be featured.
I asked actress Gwyneth Paltrow to accept the accolade on my behalf but I'm afraid she fucked up again.
February 27 2004
Thai elephant dodges murder charges
Dealing with the misbehaviour of your wayward offspring is possibly the most troubling aspect of being a Thai politician. When your son casually murders an innocent passer-by, the dilemma is whether or not you should use your political influence to help him escape punishment.
Now it seems that the rot has spread to over-privileged domestic animals. On Wednesday, a 20-year old bull elephant belonging to MP Chai Chidchob trampled his handler to death during an argument about females.
Eyewitnesses report that he was behaving inappropriately in front of two cow elephants when mahout Thai Yamdee, 40, tried to have a quiet word in his huge ear. Forgetting his manners, the pissed-off pachyderm stomped him. It was a crime of passion.
February 25 2004
Tata Young: Sexy, naughty, bitchy
Seen here in the 69 position, bitchy Thai songstress Tata Young, 23, looks like she could swallow her prey whole. Her ex-boyfriend, Thai tennis ace Paradorn Srichaphan, appears to have been airbrushed out.
Tata has shocked the Thai establishment with her sexy, naughty and bitchy ways. As well as being the title of her latest single, it also sums up her attitude to life. Though born in Thailand, her father is American and she talks and acts like a Valley Girl.
With her loud voice and raucous laugh, she's the antithesis of the stereotypical Thai women and, reportedly, Paradorn's mother couldn't stand her. Thai traditionalists are said to have formed a Hate Tata club.
Sexy, naughty and bitchy she may be but finding a provocative photo of Tata Young proved impossible. In my opinion, she dresses like Queen Victoria's grandmother in a blizzard. Come on Tata, gerrumoff!
February 24 2004
Bali travel report: Kuta beach
Two years after the bombings, tourists are finally returning to Bali. It's not surprising, really, because the facilities are swanky and the prices cheap. To enjoy Bali's lively nightlife, Kuta is the place to stay.
We thoroughly enjoyed the nightlife in Kuta. An overabundance of farang girls dilutes the underlying sleaze. The unattached gentleman can take his pick of fun-loving Aussie slappers or friendly Indonesian freelancers.
Kuta's best nightlife venues are clustered around site of the flattened Sari Club. The Bounty is a landlocked wooden sailing ship and the party takes place on deck. Next door, the rebuilt Paddy's Bar (See Paddy's Bar: #1 pick-up joint in Kuta, Bali) is also great fun.
Daytime in Kuta can be a chore, though. Walking down the main street is a deeply unpleasant experience. Hundreds of touts and hawkers hassle you every step of the way and some of them actually grab hold of you. I struggled to contain my rage.
February 23 2004
Horny female sex-tourists in Bali
In Bali, Japanese and farang women alike are queuing up for paid sex with Balinese men. Bali now rivals The Gambia as a Mecca for horny female sex-tourists on the prowl for a foreign gigolo.
Compared to their effeminate Thai brothers, Balinese gigolos are relaxed, confident and charming. Fluent in both English and Japanese, female sex-tourists seem to find them irresistible - even though many look a bit rough. Some of the guys we saw accompanying foreign girls back to their hotel rooms looked more like murderers.
The attentive male staff in our hotel spent most of their time pursuing the female guests. This was handy for the more reticent girls, too shy to score paid sex on the streets.
February 22 2004
Apsara Jet by Nicolas Merriweather
The Apsaras of ancient Angkor were said to be beautiful immortal seductresses whose sole purpose in life was to have eternal sex with Khmer heroes. The middle-aged American heroes of Apsara Jet by Nicolas Merriweather are thrilled to discover similar qualities in the mortal girls of present-day Cambodia and Thailand.
Apsara Jet is the story of John Jackson, a once distinguished airline pilot now reduced to alcoholism and living in his car. Captaining a Cambodian cargo jet for the dubious Chen-Wa Organisation is his last chance for redemption. He recruits a couple of Vietnam War buddies to be his first officer and flight engineer.
Eschewing condoms, the three ageing aviators cut a swathe through scores of hard-bodied Asian teenagers with little more than a splash of Old Spice for protection. Laughing in the face of prostate cancer, they impress the locals with their Viagra-free but rock-hard erections. The prevalence of budding breasts and wisps of pubic hair suggests that they're not checking ID cards either.
The recklessness that our heroes display in their personal lives inevitably spills over into their work. Their involvement with Burmese drug lords and the Russian Mafia ultimately ends in double-cross and a terrifying mid-air collision.
February 21 2004
My Bali gay slur #2
Crashed out in my Bali hotel room, I was rudely awakened by an early-morning call from the Bali Tourist Board. A shrill English woman said that I was invited to an official reception promoting Balinese tourism and that I should bring my wife.
"I'm travelling with a friend," I explained.
"Male or female?"
"Male."
"Is he your... erm... partner?"
"No. He's a fat lad in a football shirt."
February 20 2004
Paddy's Bar: #1 pick-up joint in Kuta, Bali
Indonesian girls at Paddy's Bar, Kuta
Paddy's Bar in Kuta is the biggest pick-up joint Bali so, naturally, we decided to call in. It's full of friendly Aussies and we found plenty of agreeable drinking buddies. Towards the end of the evening, a classy freelancer from Jakarta latched onto me. She claimed to be a respectable girl and offered to buy me a drink but her familiarity with the hooker contingent undermined her story.
I also got chatting to a blonde Aussie backpacker and it soon became clear that she wasn't shy. She told me that she took it up the arse and I thanked her for her candour. "What's the deal with her?" she asked, pointing at my new Indonesian friend. Without waiting for an answer, she grabbed the girl's arm and informed her that tonight I would be visiting the dark interior of the Australian bush.
Apparently, I had no say in the matter.
February 19 2004
My Bali gay slur #1
Last week, I visited Bali with a mate from home. Travelling without our girlfriends, we soon became the subject of gossip as we relaxed together by the hotel pool.
Most of the other guests were from Japan and it wasn't long before a couple of Japanese fellas introduced themselves. A lanky youth came mincing up to us and giggled like a child as he gave an effeminate wai. His fruity little sidekick flashed a girlish smile. We nodded back gravely. Clearly, the time had come to assert our heterosexuality.
Falling on his sword, my mate agreed to bring back the sluttiest tart in Bali that very evening. As we set off on our assignment, we were both struck by an intoxicating perfume in the hotel garden. Though not normally in the habit of discussing flowers, we were both curious to find out where the overpowering scent was coming from.
February 18 2004
The Cave gets raided by Thai police
Uniform night at Bangkok's premier fetish club took on a whole new meaning last night when The Cave was raided by Thai police. Risking a spanking, Deputy Interior Minister Pracha Maleenond led the raid himself.
The Minister was shocked to discover mild acts of S&M being performed by women dressed in school uniform. When I was there a fortnight ago, I have to admit that I was shocked too - the girls were all mingers (See The Cave: First fetish bar in Thailand).
Unused condoms and beds discovered on an upper floor were said to be evidence of prostitution. It might be hard to prove in Court, though, because every bedroom in Thailand contains exactly the same things.
February 17 2004
Hutch Thailand unveils doomsday weapon
Where you go? Every conversation in Thailand starts with this question but, if our girlfriends actually knew the answer, life here would be much less fun for us farang fellas. Imagine being forced to carry a homing device that would show her your exact location.
Unfortunately, this nightmare scenario is no longer science fiction. Cellphone operator Hutch Thailand has just unveiled a new service called Navi, which does exactly that. Hutch boasts "Where they goÔø? you will always know." There is a privacy control but your Thai girlfriend would obviously go berserk if you used it.
February 16 2004
Farang Bigfoot roams Thai shoe shops
I never suspected that I was a big-footed freak but, in Thailand, my arrival at any shoe shop causes confusion and laughter. Thailand truly is the land of the little people and you could be forgiven for thinking that shoe shops cater only for children.
Choosing a style is pointless because they won't have it in stock. The only option is to ask if they have any ridiculous clown-boots. After much rummaging, the assistant will return with a dusty pair of pink moccasins - one size too small. Despite having many farang customers, Bangkok department stores are as short on large sizes as the independents.
February 14 2004
Vanessa-Mae Vanakorn Nicholson
Once a child prodigy likened to Mozart, sexy violinist Vanessa-Mae, 25, has taken the world of classical music by storm. Vanessa-Mae Vanakorn Nicholson was born in Singapore to a Chinese mother and Thai father but moved to Britain with her mother at the age of 4.
She attended the Royal College of Music in London and, by 13, had already toured with the London Mozart Players. Her first album The Violin Player, released in 1995, went multi-platinum - blurring the lines between classical music and pop.
Vanessa now tours the world and has won numerous awards. Memorably, she performed at the Hong Kong China Re-Unification Ceremony.
February 13 2004
Enduring live music in Thailand
In Thailand, live music is played almost everywhere but, when the band comes on, most farangs drink up and leave. Cliched cover-versions tunelessly performed at terrorist volume can transform any evening into a painful ordeal.
Inexplicably, the Thais love this loud amateurish trash and can't see the problem. If a venue is Thai-owned, it will invariably stage dreadful live music - even when the clientele is farang. When the band comes on and the farang customers leave, the Thai owners are always baffled. Those farangs who stay are only doing so to indulge their Thai girlfriends - or are trying to find one.
February 12 2004
Ya-dong humiliation on Soi Cowboy
At the Asoke end of Soi Cowboy is a stall selling a potent brew known as ya-dong. Reputed to have medicinal properties, it's an evil-looking brown liquid full of unidentified solids. Having drunk it before, I'm painfully aware of its loon-juice effects. Last night, despite my warnings, three friends decided to try a glass or two.
The first went crazy and goosed every go-go dancer in Soi Cowboy. The girls couldn't believe their luck because he bought lady drinks like they were going out of fashion. He can't remember how he got home but, despite wanting to score, he woke up alone, fully clothed and with only 20 baht in his pocket.
February 11 2004
Thai bars to close at midnight
It's official - Thailand's bars will close at 12pm from March 1. A few specified zones, including Patpong, are exempt but Nana Plaza and Soi Cowboy are not. The move is unwelcome for fun-loving farangs but it comes as no surprise to observers of Thai politics.
The nightlife clampdown is just one part of the Thai government's increasingly authoritarian agenda. For example, it announced yesterday that, from March 29, a 10pm curfew will be imposed on the under-18s - unless they are accompanied by their parents.
Thailand's lurch towards authoritarianism comes as a result of the electoral success of the ultra-nationalist Thai Rak Thai party. It promised Thai voters economic growth and cheap healthcare plus a clampdown on drug use and antisocial behaviour. Against all the odds, it delivered but some of the methods employed were extreme. For example, the war on drugs was won by shadowy death-squads who executed thousands of suspected dealers.
February 10 2004
Thai sex games: Bangkok Roulette
An erotic drinking game for men sounds like a contradiction in terms but Bangkok Roulette is precisely that. Getting blown-off in front of your mates isn't to everyone's taste but, because the action takes place under the boardroom table, even shy guys can join in.
These are the rules of Bangkok Roulette: The Chairman offers his chums a drink as they take their seats around the table. A sexy Thai girl settles in underneath and then sets to work giving one lucky guy a blow-job. The object of the game is to guess who's getting the gobble. Those who get it wrong have to take a drink - and the Chairman can dish out forfeits too. Our busy Thai girl then selects another victim.
February 9 2004
SF Cinema City: Buy movie tickets online
Turning up at a Bangkok cinema on spec usually means waiting around for an hour or two in an upscale shopping mall. Your Thai girlfriend would be delighted to go shopping but, for any farang male, it's the ultimate nightmare scenario. The very thought of it makes the blood drain from my wallet.
Fortunately, credit card holders can now pre-book cinema tickets through the SF Cinema City website. You have to register first but it's straightforward enough. The main SFX cinemas are at Mah Boon Khrong (MBK) and the Emporium but there are also others at Bangkae, Bangkapi, Ngamwongwan, and Ladprao.
February 7 2004
The Cave: First fetish bar in Thailand
Suspend, blind, mummify, punish, stretch, sensually deprive or overload, humiliate and train. Spank, spank and spank again! Dress code: Black.
The Cave is Thailand's first and only fetish bar and its website makes interesting reading. Scared to go in on my own, I invited a couple of mates to accompany me.
We had to get properly kitted out first but, unfortunately, Central Chidlom was fresh out of black neoprene wetsuits with the buttocks cut out and our search for leather chaps and WW1 gasmasks proved equally fruitless. Finally, we settled for ordinary black shirts.
We picked up the third member of our kinky trio from his apartment, praying that we wouldn't find him parading around in a basque and suspenders. Suitably attired, we headed off to Soi Cowboy to get tanked-up first - drinks at The Cave cost B300 ($7).
Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones might look pretty cool as Men in Black but, frankly, we just looked silly. Some of the Soi Cowboy go-go dancers twigged that we were off to The Cave and one girl wanted to come with us but the B900 ($21) admission fee (incl. one drink) ruled that idea out.
February 6 2004
Nicknames of Thai girls translated
If a Thai girl is shy about telling you what her nickname means, she might have a good reason. Thai children are officially named by a Buddhist monk when they are at least 30 days old. In the meantime, their parents give them a nickname - and it usually sticks.
The Thais are a superstitious race. To protect their children from the envious attention of demons, Thai parents tend to choose nicknames that are unremarkable or downright unflattering. A pencil-thin Thai girl could live her whole life being called fatty (Uan).
Here are the meanings of the most common nicknames for Thai girls. Is your favourite Thai girl amongst them?
February 5 2004
Thai girls spy on parental boom-boom
Ask any Thai girl whether she's seen her parents having boom-boom and the answer will probably be yes. Witnessing our parents on the job is something that we farangs prefer not to think about but, in Thailand, whole families often share a single room and the gruesome spectacle is hard to avoid.
The subject arose when my previous Thai girlfriend said that her dad was good in bed. Tentatively, I asked her how she knew. She explained that her parents would only have sex after making sure that the children were asleep. However, she would often fake it and watch the night's events unfold with one eye half-open.
February 4 2004
Ajarn.com: English teaching jobs in Thailand
Ajarn.com is the number one website for English teaching jobs in Thailand. Farangs who want to work in Thailand often end up teaching English and many find work by searching the Ajarn.com jobs database, which contains hundreds of English teaching jobs listed by region and salary.
There is, however, much more in Ajarn.com than just jobs. Thailand's strange English teaching subculture is fully explored too. Nightlife, work permits, accommodation and fashion tips (yes, really) are amongst the topics covered.
February 3 2004
Thai mail order brides exposed
Most people assume that your average Thai mail-order bride is a fragrant flower of the exotic East but it didn't take long to assemble this rogues-gallery of real Thai ladies from one of Thailand's better known matchmaking websites. Best quote: "I'm cheerful and not picky."
February 2 2004
PACI roadtests Thai bar girls
Mango Sauce reader Steve runs the Pattaya-based Professional Association of Carnal Inspectors (PACI) - a non-profit organisation which uses science to take the guesswork out of selecting the most rewarding Thai bar girl experience.
To this end, PACI has devised a remarkable questionnaire which rates the performance of bar girls in areas such as "initial contact," "relationship development" and "money-grabbing tricks." Those girls who make the cut can go on to be assessed in more advanced areas such as "pussy presentation" and "condom skills" etc. You can download the form here.
PACI Bar Girl Evaluation Form (PDF format)
Like a sexed-up version of the Human Genome Project, Steve tells me that a lot of "hard work" has gone into the development of the Bar Girl Evaluation Form. A Thai language version is in the pipeline and he also has plans to create a Long Term Girlfriend Evaluation Form.
Using the data collected from more than a thousand bar girls, the statisticians at PACI have been able to draw some interesting conclusions.
February 1 2004
Thai blowjob bar recollections
"Please don't cum in my mouth." Could there ever be a more futile request? If the pleas of our own girlfriends fall on deaf ears, what hope then for the raddled slappers who work in Bangkok's infamous blowjob bars?
I'm currently playing host to a mate from Farangland who is completely obsessed with a schoolgirl-themed blowjob bar on Soi Cowboy. Last night, he dragged me in there to find the girl who serviced him last year but was a little crestfallen when she didn't remember him.
She led him into the naughty boy's corner, tucked away at the far end of the bar. He smiled and waved to me as she set to work. She asked him not to cum in her mouth but, when the moment came, he took firm hold of her ears to prevent disengagement.
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
December 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
