January 31 2004
Out of touch with Farangland
Britain's Premiership football stars are now better known for their performance off the field than on. Tales of debauched group sex sessions, known as roastings, have titillated readers of Britain's tabloid press. Though a Brit myself, I only know this because it was reported second-hand in the sports pages of the Bangkok Post.
As a Thailand-based ex-pat, I keep track of Farangland events by watching BBC World (See UBC: Thai satellite & cable TV), reading the Bangkok Post and subscribing to a couple of lad-mags. Though I'm fully aware of Tony Blair's declining fortunes, I'm now utterly clueless about what's hot and what's not in the fluffy world of British entertainment and fashion.
January 30 2004
Amuzing Thai Cartoons by M.J.B.
Amuzing Thai Cartoons by M.J.B. is chuckle-fest of cheeky cartoons about farang life in Thailand.
January 28 2004
Drugged and robbed by Pattaya hookers
Walking Street Pattaya
Mango Sauce reader, Richard, explains how he was drugged, robbed and left for dead by two Pattaya hookers. Accosting him on the street, they lured him back to his hotel room with the promise of free sex. He learnt the hard way that nothing is free in Pattaya.
I was in Thailand on a 9 week holiday and had been up in Chiang Mai and the remote Acha villages near Burma and Chiang Rai for most of the time. Feeling pretty relaxed, I felt that I could drop my guard a little.
I ending up in Pattaya for the very first time (and this is before I ever tried ladyboys). I was enjoying the free and easy attitude towards sex but was getting bored with the decision of who to choose next.
One night, just 3 days before I had to return home, I was making my way down Walking Street when 2 women approached me. They told me that they worked in a shoe factory and had saved for 4 years to take this holiday in Pattaya. They said that they did it to meet a farang.
January 27 2004
Thailand bird flu deception unravels
For over a week, chicken has been off the menu at my local noodles stand. It turns out that the toothless old lady who runs it was dealing with the bird flu epidemic better than the Thai Government. Yesterday, after weeks of clumsy deception, the death of a child finally made them admit that bird flu is rampant in Thailand.
David Byrne, the EU consumer protection commissioner, visited Thailand last week and made a tit of himself by declaring the country free of bird flu. It turns out that he was hoodwinked by the Thai authorities. Like many visiting farangs, he discovered that it's not just bar girls who like to massage the truth. Yesterday, through a spokesperson, he delivered this stinging rebuke:
January 26 2004
Thai girls vs. farang girls
Farang men often fall madly in love with the first Thai girl they meet - even if she's a rough street prostitute who doesn't speak English. Love-sick farang men are queuing up at the altar to tie the knot with their dubious Thai mail-order brides but why don't farang girls stir their passions in the same way?
Thai girls and farang girls could hardly be more different. Put simply, Thai girls are family-orientated and farang girls are increasingly career-orientated. In America, 44% of women aged 15 to 44 have chosen to remain childless and the trend is gathering pace. It's easy to understand their point of view because, as men, we've always pursued our ambitions.
Farang girls enjoy opportunities that their Thai sisters can only dream about. In many ways, life in the West has never been better but it doesn't seem to have translated into greater human happiness. We are witnessing an epidemic of relationship breakdown. Western men and women seem increasingly ill-matched and unhappy. Statistics reveal that dissatisfied western wives are divorcing their husbands in ever-increasing numbers and they can't seem to find suitable replacements either. Does this mean that we farang fellas are all useless?
January 25 2004
Ronald Macdonald goes native in Thailand
Ronald Macdonald gives me the creeps. My mother used to warn me about strange men who dress up in colourful clothes and hang around children's playgrounds.
Today, I spotted the red-haired freak lurking outside Macdonald's in Siam Square. He was giving customers the traditional Thai gesture of greeting known as the wai. Naturally, I gave him the traditional farang gesture of hostility known as the finger.
January 24 2004
Eating bugs in Thailand
Yuk! - That is so gross. I think I'm going to puke. Those sweet sticky cakes from 7/11 totally turn my stomach. The bugs, on the other hand, are actually quite tasty. Some of their friends are gigolos too.
Eating bugs has always been popular in Thailand - particularly with Isaan folk. My Thai girlfriend loves them and would always try to slip one in my mouth when I wasn't looking. Eventually, she succeeded.
At first, chewing a dead insect made me want to throw up. Once the shock wore off, though, I had to admit that it tasted pretty good - a bit like a salty dried prawn. I decided to try another - and then another. Ten minutes later, the bag was empty and I had become a bug-eater.
As a bug-eater, just imagine the practical jokes you could play on your mates. Open the fridge door and show them your food - crawling with insects. Already in shock, get ready to enjoy their horror as you start to feed.
January 23 2004
Kelly Lin (Hsi Lei Lin): Hong Kong actress
Let's celebrate Chinese New Year by casting a lecherous eye over Hong Kong movie star, Kelly Lin. Chinese folk exchange gifts at this time of year but, according to ancient superstition, giving away your trousers is very unlucky. It doesn't seem to have done Kelly Lin any harm, though, because she's currently Hong Kong's hottest female lead and was ranked first out of the 10 Sexiest Asian Women by FHM Magazine in 2002.
Kelly, 28, is actually from Taiwan and used to go by the name of Hsi Lei Lin. She's the star of a dozen films but my favourite is Raped by an Angel 5: The Final Judgement in which a posse of sexy Asian babes hunts down an evil serial rapist obsessed with women in uniform. Puzzlingly, it's only the second film in the series and, as the straight-to-video title suggests, it's a bit like The Benny Hill Show but without the laughs.
January 21 2004
Tinglish humiliation for E-Commerce Magazine
Thailand's prestigious E-Commerce Magazine has made a humiliating Tinglish blunder on its January front cover. Can you spot it?
They really have no excuse. Even Thai bar girls can spell cancel. Like clear and enter, it appears on the keypad of every ATM in Thailand. Thais love their ATM's and most spend their whole lives looking for a walking one. Needless to say, I'm going to cancle my subscription.
January 20 2004
Thai food: Pad Thai cockroach Fantasia
It's not every day that you see Thailand's vermin performing the Chinese dance of the mushrooms from Walt Disney's Fantasia, but this is exactly what happened the last time I bought pad Thai noodles at Ekkamai bus station.
A fat old lady took my order and, as I waited, I noticed a couple of cockroaches emerge from the broken sewer hatch underneath her stall. Suddenly a little face appeared behind them and out popped a mangy-looking rat. The old lady beamed with delight. "He name Peter!" she laughed.
She threw down a handful of food and things started to get weird. More cockroaches appeared and, soon, a dozen of them were dancing around the rat, each one carrying a bean sprout. As if this weren't trippy enough, the old lady was, by now, shrieking with insane laughter and repeating his name.
January 19 2004
Bareback bonking in Thai boardrooms
Imagine setting up your own company for the sole purpose of employing and then seducing classy Thai babes. It may sound far fetched but I was recently introduced to a fella who did exactly that.
After inflicting a bone-crushing handshake, Tom (not his real name) tested my patience by droning on at length about his new company. Suffocating under his relentless tide of bullshit, I couldn't understand how he had acquired a reputation as one of Bangkok's leading non-pay shaggers. Thai girls always tend to go for nice guys but this fella was a complete twat. After he left, my friend dished the dirt.
Tom had been employed in Thailand by a well-known multinational but his drinking and sexual misconduct had affected his work - in other words, he lost the plot in typical farang ex-pat fashion (See Does farang life turn you into a sex freak?). He landed on his feet, though. Being a senior guy, his severance package was quite generous.
He decided to set up his own company in Bangkok and recruited only top-drawer Thai totty. Soon, his office became Chulalongkorn's answer to Charlie's Angels but there wasn't a speakerphone in sight. Tom's management style was more hands-on than Charlie's. Privileged Chula girls are reputed to wear bullet-proof knickers but somehow he persuaded all of them to bite the pillow within 48 hours of starting - without a condom.
January 17 2004
Bangkok International Film Festival
Thai films rarely get international recognition and, judging by recent releases, it's easy to understand why. We have bank-robbing ladyboys, cheerleading ladyboys, a boxing ladyboy (saving up for his operation) and screaming ladyboys lost in a forest. Do you see a pattern emerging? Incidentally, the last London Film Festival featured just one film from Thailand. Can you guess who was in it? That's right - more fucking ladyboys!
Fortunately, you won't be made to suffer their silly gravel-voiced antics at the Bangkok International Film Festival 2004 because it also features a diverse line-up of art-house classics from around the world. For just 12 days, Thailand's movie fans will get a much-needed supplement to their normal diet of Hollywood popcorn.
Top attraction is Lost in Translation, with Bill Murray as a jet-lagged American who finds unexpected romance at the Tokyo Hilton. Others include Dogville which has Nicole Kidman fleeing the mob and the critically acclaimed 21 Grams with Sean Penn. Naturally, I will be avoiding Zatoichi, a Japanese drama featuring a cross-dressing geisha. It might go down well with Thai audiences, though.
January 16 2004
My Thai girlfriend's KY Jelly revenge
I want to set the record straight about my Thai girlfriend. I'm also going to reveal how she taught me a painful lesson with a tube of KY Jelly.
By Buriram standards, she's a middle-class girl. We've known each other for about 3 years and she's clever, funny, charming and beautiful. People who see us together probably think that I'm batting above my average.
Through her, I've learned a lot about Thai women - particularly about how they wind farang men around their little fingers. At first, she got everything her own way and any resistance on my part was futile. I had to work hard to raise my game to her level.
The key battleground was our sex-life. She would decide on the time and the place and would keep me waiting for ages while she prettied herself up. Incredibly, one glimpse of my spotty arse wasn't enough to send her into an uncontrollable sexual frenzy. Of course, if our relationship was to thrive, this would have to change.
January 15 2004
Don't quote me #5
January 13 2004
Patpong ping pong pussy banana show
Shy Bangkok showgirl blasts fruit over 15ft.
On Friday night, I stumbled in on one of Patpong's notorious upstairs ping-pong pussy banana shows. The star-turn was a hefty Thai farm-girl with few inhibitions. Though she kept her bra on, shyness didn't stop her blasting dozens of bananas from her pussy. Her effective range was an amazing 15ft and the entire audience took a heavy barrage. It's a rare skill, even in Thailand, and her mother must be very proud.
Our arrival was greeted by a scrum of frenzied girls and I retained the services of the bikini-clad fun-bunny who had climbed onto my lap. Her chat was predictable, so I asked her to sit quietly and be my human-shield against the flying fruit. She consumed two lady drinks and only got hit by one banana so I reckon that she was the big winner.
January 12 2004
Fucking serious: Mom finds out about blog
Writing Mango Sauce anonymously allows me to be totally honest about my life in Thailand. Today I received this from a fellow Thailand-based blogger.
Last year, The Onion published a piece (now deleted) about Kevin Widmar's mom finding out about his weblog - and therefore his sex life. Kevin's quote: "I'm so fucked." Here it is in full:
Mom finds out about blog
MINNEAPOLIS, MNÔø?In a turn of events the 30-year-old characterized as "horrifying," Kevin Widmar announced Tuesday that his mother Lillian has discovered his weblog.
January 11 2004
Khunying Porntip Rojanasunan (Dr. Death)
Popularly known as Dr. Death, funky forensic pathologist Khunying Porntip Rojanasunan, 49, can normally be found elbow-deep in other people's intestines. The spiky-haired scientist is nobody's poodle. Her findings in murder cases often contradict those of the Thai police and sometimes point to their involvement. Her one-woman war against official misconduct in Thailand has made her a media star.
She first came to public notice 3 years ago, when one of her own students was murdered. The police claimed that the girl was killed by thugs but Porntip's analysis of her skull proved that the real murderer was her rich Thai boyfriend. More recently, she challenged police over their suicide theory in the shooting of millionaire Hangthong Thammawattana - leading to the arrest of his younger brother, Noppadal. Her work has also implicated police in the extra-judicial killings of alleged drug-dealers.
January 10 2004
Best job in Thailand: Inactive posts
Years ago, when I worked in corporate hell, I used to dream about becoming the company bum - a highly paid executive with few responsibilities.
As company bum, I could arrive mid-morning and spend the first hour of the business day distracting my co-workers with risquÔø? anecdotes before sloping off to an early lunch. Staggering back mid-afternoon, I could give my secretary (Lena Li) a good scuttling across the boardroom table before crashing out in the first-aid room. Naturally, I would be out of the door at 4.59pm precisely.
Through nearly 30 years of dedicated incompetence, one of my senior colleagues came pretty close to achieving company bum status but, sadly, this kind of success always eluded me.
Had I been born in Thailand, things might have been different. Here, tens of thousands of bureaucrats, cops and soldiers are routinely transferred to inactive posts - where they don't do any work but retain their pay and perks. Thailand is company bum utopia but how do the jammy bastards pull it off?
January 9 2004
Is his Thai internet bride a con-girl? #3
Now we learn the final twist in the story of Mark, the 46 year-old American accountant who chose an 18 year-old Thai bride from AmericanSingles.com. His concerned friend is actually his ex-girlfriend - and she wants him back. If you haven't done so already, you should read her first and second letters before continuing.
I want to add the final twist: I am actually Mark's ex-girlfriend! Needless to say, as I sit helplessly by, watching this girl, young enough - as you so aptly put it - to be his granddaughter, destroy him, I wonder how much longer I can endure it. But my only goal is to ensure Mark survives this and I desperately need more of your insight to do so.
Mark and I met in grad school 10 years ago and developed a friendship that ultimately evolved into more. Possessing scant knowledge at the time of the combined affects of alcoholism/ADHD on adult behavior, I naively assumed I could save him from himself. After 4 years of living with him, however, I became emotionally and physically exhausted. About 1.5 years ago, I amicably moved to a place near to his apartment, in the hope that my moving would encourage him to seek out any professional help he needed and perhaps we would ultimately reunite. Enter AmericanSingles.com.
January 7 2004
Thai Elephant gets false teeth
Thailand can now claim a world first. This week, vets fitted dentures to an 80-year old Asian cow elephant called Morakot. The ailing beast had been unable to eat and was rapidly wasting away.
In the wild, most elephants die not of old-age but of starvation caused by tooth decay. Having only one trunk, it's difficult for them to floss - but this isn't the real cause. Eating too much roughage wears their teeth down. Your teeth would wear down too if you ate trees all day.
Morakot's keepers, at the Chang Phuan Kaeo elephant ground in Kanchanaburi province, are hoping that the replacement choppers will give the clapped out pachyderm a new lease of life.
15cm wide and 15cm long, the U-shaped denture is made from stainless steel, silicone and plastic. It looks like the heel of a clown's boot. With any luck, it will propel her to a grand old age but I hope she remembers to take it out before she gives her mate Jumbo a blow-job.
January 6 2004
Are Thais the world's worst drivers?
Last month, I put my life in the hands of Bangkok's sleepiest taxi driver. The dozy twat had to be prodded awake every 30 seconds. Fortunately, I was sitting up front and could assist him with the controls when necessary. Our journey ended dramatically on Sukhumvit Soi 12, when we hit another vehicle. As is the tradition in Thailand, we all fled the scene.
Carnage on the roads is taken for granted here. Every public holiday brings a death toll not seen in Europe since World War I. On New Year's Eve, 4,110 road accidents left 148 people dead and 5,333 injured.
The Prime Minister blames the police and I agree with him. They could hardly make things any worse if they pulled out their pistols and took pot-shots at passing motorists. Enforcement of traffic law is practically non-existent. The risk of having to slip 200 baht to a smiling officer hardly counts as a deterrent.
January 5 2004
Is his Thai internet bride a con-girl? #2
Today we learn more about the ordeal of Mark, a 46 year-old American accountant who chose an 18 year-old Thai bride from AmericanSingles.com. His concerned friend wrote to me again. If you haven't done so already, you should read her original letter first.
1) For the 5 months while she ("Nok") was back in Bangkok awaiting K-3 approval, and living with the "brother", she talked to Mark (yes, she does have fairly good English) for 2-3 hours every day on phone, and asked him for a divorce at least once a week!! But Mark would always say "no", you must come to the US first, and then I'll give you a divorce;
My question: Whose $ was she living on that enabled her to be available to talk to Mark for 3 hours a day, or was she living off her ponce boyfriend's revenues for a change and would a boyfriend allow her to talk to Mark that much? What made her change her mind and come to the U.S. after all, 5 months later.
January 4 2004
Besta CyberDict IV: Thai-English dictionary
I always struggle with ordinary Thai-English dictionaries because I can't remember the order of the 46-letter Thai alphabet. Last week, I solved the problem by buying an electronic dictionary. Its keypad closely resembles a bilingual computer keyboard so all I have to do is type. It's cut my translation times down by about 90%.
The Besta CyberDict IV contains 9 famous-name dictionaries - including both Thai-English and English-Thai. They aren't crappy cut-down versions either. It also has loads of PDA-style functions that I can't be bothered to use. The device is no bigger than a pocket calculator so, unlike a paper dictionary, I can carry it everywhere.
Of course, it isn't much use unless you can read Thai. If you want to learn, I would recommend the self-study Thai course from Linguaphone (See Learn Thai & woo Thai girls).
The Besta CyberDict IV is available from concession stands in leading Bangkok department stores.
January 3 2004
Thai dogs eat shit
Bangkok's stray dogs crap all over the place but you never see the results. Where has the mountain of missing poop gone? Yesterday, my Thai girlfriend explained the shocking truth - Thai dogs eat shit.
If they knew about this, our pampered western pooches would choke on their beef stew and biscuits. In Thailand, however, the dogs aren't so fussy. For them, another dog's steaming offering is an appetizing free lunch. Only one thing tempts them more - human excrement. It's so much tastier than dog dirt that they go crazy for it.
Lacking a toilet in her own home, a fellow pupil at my girlfriend's Buriram primary school used to lay her logs in the forest. She also had a pet dog. Each day, as she set off for the trees, her canine companion would be hard on her heels. Her turds would barely touch the ground before he gobbled them up. Toilet paper was quite unnecessary. For dessert, he would clean her up with his rasping tongue.
January 1 2004
Is his Thai internet bride a con-girl? #1
What happens when a 46 year-old American accountant chooses an 18 year-old Thai bride from AmericanSingles.com. A concerned reader sought my advice about a friend of hers who did exactly that. Predictably, his wife is a con-woman but he's already fallen in love.
One year ago, a childhood friend of mine, a 46-year old accountant, met an 18 year old Thai girl on an internet dating site (AmericanSingles.com). After only a few emails and a couple of weeks, he flew to meet her in Bangkok. He had already purchased a plane ticket prior to meeting her, because he was planning to visit Thailand. According to him, he simply wanted to find someone who would show him around Bangkok for 2 weeks, and this girl ("Nok") was the only Thai girl on AmericanSingles.com that agreed to pick him up at the airport and make hotel reservations for him ahead of time.
Not only did she pick him up at the Don Muang, ALONE, she proceeded to go back with him to his hotel room (one she had booked in advance for him) and spend the night beginning day one and slept in same bed with him! He said he didn't have any idea why she was doing all that so soon, but he didn't try anything "physical" since she was so young. To this day, he doesn't know if she would have done anything in that regard because he didn't make an attempt.
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
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