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I'm always writing about devious Thai women who rob lovesick farang men (See Is your Thai sweetheart really a con-woman?), yet I have a Thai girlfriend myself. Before anyone accuses me of being a hypocrite, let's look at the positive side of Thai farang relationships.

Thai women are absolutely delightful. It's true. Nowhere on Earth are women as fun-loving and charming as in Thailand. Somehow they manage to be sweet and demure too. If you add to this their natural beauty, amazingly soft skin, long silky hair and ultra-feminine looks, you have a combination is totally irresistible. Step onto any Bangkok Skytrain and you can spot at least a dozen women who you might happily spend the rest of your life with.

It doesn't stop there. Thais tend to be sociable, well-adjusted people - even when raised in poverty. Large families and cramped conditions have created a race of people who are very easy to live with. Isolated loners who collect guns and pornography are almost unknown.

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• Continue reading "In praise of Thai girlfriends"

Metinee Kingpayome: Thai swimsuit model

New Yorker Metinee Kingpayome, 31, rediscovered her Thai roots in 1992 when she was crowned Miss Thailand. She's been living here ever since, carving out a career as a soap queen and swimsuit model. Her book Metinee's Secret is on its 14th reprint and she's just set up her own online model agency at www.thaisupermodels.com.

In spite of her achievements, Metinee claims to be a lazy beach bum at heart and can often be found at Poppies Samui Resort on Ko Samui. If she walks around like this, the beach must have standing room only.

Interviewed this week in the Bangkok Post, Metinee was asked "What's your most recent purchase?" She replied "I just bought myself pink diamond earrings." My most recent purchase was six toilet rolls from 7/11.

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Samsung pleasures Thai housewives

This picture shows a Thai woman pleasuring herself with a huge vibrator. When South Korea's industrial giant, Samsung, buys a full page ad in the Bangkok Post, an explicit image of female masturbation is the last thing you would expect.

Back in the 1950s, British housewives put the fun into wash day by squatting on the edge of the spin-drier. The popularity of Ann Summers parties has relegated this practice to a quaint historical footnote. However, the sexual revolution has yet to happen in Thailand and more discreet vibrators are forbidden by law (See Not an urban myth - the Hello Kitty vibrator).

By the look of rapture on the model's face, she must have selected the heavy soil program. Did you notice the voyeuristic fella on the TV screen? Let's pray that the next ad doesn't show him wanking off over a refridgerator.

T.V. Airbookings: My favourite Thai travel agent

In Thailand, finding a good travel agent is not easy. Shoddy offices, poor spoken English and unprofessional service are the norm. When you go back to collect the tickets, you have to pray that the shop is still there.

Last week, however, I visited The Emporium and discovered T.V. Airbookings on the 3rd floor. There, the English-speaking staff delivered a first-rate travel service. In case you are wondering, this is not an advert. The service really was exceptional.

With a fully computerised booking system, they suggested to me a range of options and prices. They even held a booking open while they put me on the waiting list for a cheaper flight. It didn't cost a penny. When I finally bought my ticket, they printed it out at once.

T.V. Airbookings also has a website at www.tv-air.com. It's poorly designed and you can't book online but at least you can find out the cost of locally purchased air tickets.

• Continue reading "T.V. Airbookings: My favourite Thai travel agent"

Sit & smile: Thai toilet habits

Foreign toilet nightmares are the stuff of legend. Have you ever fallen backwards into a stinking pile of human waste whilst trying to take a dump in a squat toilet? If so, the chances are that it wasn't in Thailand.

The Thais see their bathrooms as places of pleasurable relaxation. Sit & smile is a popular brand of toilet paper. The name captures the quiet enjoyment felt by your average Thai when taking a crap. It isn't just a state of mind. The Thais are great toilet innovators. In fact, the average Thai bathroom puts its Western equivalent to shame.

Here, as in most of Asia, you can splash around as much as you like and the water simply drains away through a grate in the floor - even in apartments. Try this in the West and you'll soon be in trouble with the neighbours. What's the point of a bathroom that isn't waterproof? It's as daft as building a nuclear power plant on a volcano. In Britain, we even carpet the floor - right underneath where men stand up to pee.

• Continue reading "Sit & smile: Thai toilet habits"

Farang lesbian lust in Thailand

Sitting in a Thai go-go bar, you might have noticed unaccompanied farang girls lurking in dark corners. With few places of their own to go to, farang lesbians often visit mainstream girlie-bars in Patpong and Nana Plaza. They always get a warm welcome.

So what are they doing there? Exactly the same as the guys, of course - but they probably don't see it that way. I've yet to hear any woman admit to being a sex-tourist. No doubt, they give their needy Thai sistahs cash gifts rather than payment for sexual services.

Many go-go dancers are lipstick lesbians and openly bisexual. Some come in pairs. Every go-go bar has at least one butch waitress. Despite being outnumbered by guys 20:1, muff-munching farang girls just can't keep away. Read on to learn more about the experiences of real-life lesbians in Bangkok.

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Hugh Grant flees Tilac Bar, Soi Cowboy

This week, foppish actor Hugh Grant, 43, was spotted fleeing Tilac Bar in Soi Cowboy with his hands clamped over his crown-jewels. He had been trying to enjoy the show incognito but was recognised by a couple of horny go-go dancers.

They leapt from the stage to give him a proper mauling but, as they tried to grab his willy, the upper-crust thespian bolted for the door. Tilac dancer Tippawan, 23, said "The girls were dancing to One Night in Bangkok. They jumped from the stage and went straight for him together with the others. Hugh clutched himself with his hands. He would have been a good catch but I guess he did not feel comfortable."

It's no surprise that Hugh did a runner. The last time a prostitute grabbed his cock, he ended up in jail. This mugshot dates back to June 27, 1995 when he was arrested for getting blown-off in a car by LA hooker, Divine Brown.

Hugh is in Thailand filming the sequel to Bridget Jones's Diary.

Thai bars to close at 10pm?

As part of Thailand's ongoing social order crusade, Interior Minister Wan Muhamad Nor Matha is considering closing nightspots at midnight instead of 2am. He said "Too many people under 20 are going to the bars where they spend money recklessly and lose their virginity."

Don't worry, Minister. I've seen plenty of fellas spending their money recklessly but I'm fairly certain that none of them are virgins.

Surprisingly, this move is a compromise. The ruling Thai Rak Thai party wants closing time brought forward to 10pm. If implemented, the measure would cripple the already troubled tourist industry.

Sex-tourists will always come to Thailand. In fact, early closing would act in their favour by eliminating the need to pay barfines. However, families might chose to holiday elsewhere. Once they have put the kids to bed, mum and dad will want to do something better than watch a crap HBO movie in their room.

Marriage proposal in Pattaya

A strange Thai girl proposed marriage as I stumbled back to my Pattaya hotel last Saturday. It wasn't a joke either - she really meant it.

It was 2am when a pair of Thai girls blocked my path. One could have been a bar girl but the other looked like a regular businesswoman. Apparently she was. Her English-speaking friend explained that she was a respectable girl looking for a farang husband. She chose Pattaya as her hunting ground because "it have farang too much."

When she realised that I spoke Thai, the businesswoman's face lit up. She bombarded me with questions and became very enthusiastic when she found out that I was unmarried and lived in Bangkok. "Give me your number" she said. "We can meet up in Bangkok and then get married." She went on to describe how perfect her life would be.

Before she could continue, I cut her short to explain that I had a girlfriend already. "Why didn't you tell me before?" she cried as she stormed off into the night.

Thaipro English language Thailand search engine

Thaipro is a unique search engine that covers only English language websites about Thailand. Irrelevant or poor quality sites are excluded. Their database contains over 250,000 links to sites about every conceivable topic.

You can search by keyword or browse their directory. The site also includes news, features and travel guides about Thailand.

Thaipro say "If it's Thailand we have it." They may well be right.

www.thaipro.com

Pattaya people: Freak or unique?

I'm horribly fascinated by farang sex freaks (See Does farang life turn you into a sex freak?) so I jumped at the chance to go freak-watching in Pattaya. Typically, freaks set themselves apart by combining questionable dress sense with an unfortunate hairstyle and odd sexual tastes.

My mate devised an interesting drinking game. As we sat in a bar on Walking Street, we played competitive freak-spotting. Over 2 hours, an even number of freaks would make me the winner. He needed an odd number. We saw ZZ-Top wannabes, body-modification junkies, Conan the Barbarian and a cowboy arm in arm with a giant ladyboy and a midget-girl. Eventually, we lost count and all bets were off.

Top freak of the day was a powerfully built bloke in his 60s wearing only blue denim dungarees over bare flesh. I reckon that the seams were Velcro - allowing him to disrobe in a split second. A ridiculous ginger wig made him look like a mutant Jim Bob Walton.

The photo is a bit of a cheat because I actually snapped it on Ko Samui. Wearing only flimsy black underpants, our bubble-permed hero rampaged around the town centre. Like a striking cobra, he stuck his tongue into every passing Thai woman. Notice how an unseen hand pushes another victim into his sloppy embrace.

Pornchita Na Songkhla (Benz)

A 24 year-old Benz would normally end up in the scrap yard but I fancy stripping this one down personally. Hailing from Bangkok rather than Stuttgart, Thai actress/singer Benz is more properly known as Pornchita Na Songkhla.

Though she won't be breaking any speed records on the autobahn, Pornchita would definitely turn heads on the high street. Needless to say, I would like to test her ride quality and specify some options.

Already a veteran of three TV series and two movies, Benz recently became a popular recording artist. In her spare time, she also created the successful Bense line of cosmetics. The misspelling is due to a minor spat with her automotive namesake.

Benz is still single and the Union Jack bra suggests that she's a bit of an anglophile. As a potential suitor, this should act in my favour. However, her beauty and success will probably stir up a hornet's nest of competition. Realistically, I may have to wait some time before she comes scratching at my bedroom door, begging for sex.

Cabbies rob female tourists

Female tourists should take care when they hail a taxi in Bangkok. Two women have recently been brutally robbed by yellow-green taxi drivers.

Last month, Japanese Airways stewardess Yoshimi Noguchi was shot by her driver close to Siam Square and dumped beside the road. She survived but lost a kidney. On Monday, Lee Yan Chuan from China was injured when her driver knocked her down on the motorway during an attempted robbery.

In spite of an intense manhunt, both men are still at large. Alarmed at the possible impact on Thailand's tourist industry, Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra is considering doubling the penalty for robbers who injure tourists.

There are 30,000 yellow-green taxis plying Bangkok's streets. For the time being, visitors might be well advised to choose taxis painted with different colours.

Tony's Pattaya: Nightmare on Walking Street

If you're rich, dumb and horny, be sure to visit Tony's Entertainment Complex on Walking Street, Pattaya. There, you will find hundreds of freelance Thai hookers who want to meet you before you wise-up. Last week, I visited Tony's to see if it was as awful as I remembered.

Tony's is probably the most expensive bar in Thailand. It's definitely the most infuriating. Hundreds of annoying waiters bother you every 60 seconds (no exaggeration) offering drinks, cigarettes, flowers, photos, cigars and tequila slammers. These human mosquitoes don't understand the meaning of "fuck off."

At 310 baht a pitcher, Tony's home brew is the cheapest drink available. If you want to make one beer last all night then order this. It's the worst pint I've ever tasted in my entire adult life. It really is.

• Continue reading "Tony's Pattaya: Nightmare on Walking Street"

Some decisions are for life

Reality soon intrudes when an educated farang marries a simple Thai farm girl. A few months of hormone-induced madness can leave him saddled with an unwanted pet that can't be returned to the shop.

This is a Thai advert for TOA SuperShield paint. It illustrates perfectly the unhappy consequences of making a rash decision. If you ever feel tempted to follow your instincts, remember this ad and punch yourself hard in the groin.

Ordering a ladyboy chaser

Invented by Alan Partridge (See Alan Partridge's ladyboy lust), the ladyboy chaser is perhaps better known in Bangor than in Bangkok.

However, don't let that stop you ordering one in Thailand.

Here's what Alan has to say:

Every now and again I do partake of the ladyboy chaser. It adds to any evening, but is great for special occasions.

Take 1 small baileys, 1 gin and tonic and 1 pint of lager. Down them one by one (my record: 19 seconds) before finishing with a hearty "Ooooh, ladyboys!" and, after asking the bloke next to you how long you've been drinking, retire to the toilet calling out "2 star!" and "45 minutes?"

I haven't been sick yet, but some nights just blur from the ladyboy onwards...

Thai: An essential grammar

Learning Thai from bar girls is jolly good fun but, if you end up talking like a hillbilly hooker, other Thais won't be too impressed. Chatting up a respectable girl with the Thai equivalent of "You girl good heart. Where you stay? Sleep alone no good!" will get you precisely nowhere. It's time to jettison the slang and take some grammar lessons.

Very few books teach Thai beyond beginner level. Thai: An essential grammar by David Smyth is, so far, the only decent one that I've found. It's also concise and user-friendly. Despite its lofty academic credentials, the book is straightforward and jargon-free. The correct use of grammar is demonstrated through numerous examples. Guidance on pronunciation, speech conventions and the Thai writing system is also included.

I'm a big fan of David Smyth. One of the world's top Thai language experts, he teaches at the School of Oriental and African Studies in London. I've already reviewed his basic Thai course - Teach yourself Thai: A complete course for beginners. He is also the co-author of the excellent Linguaphone Thai course.

• Continue reading "Thai: An essential grammar"

History Channel: Fill Thailand's knowledge void

Could you tolerate watching the space shuttle explode up to 20-times a night? If so, subscribing to the History Channel could help you to fill the intellectual void of Thailand's TV schedules.

With topics as diverse as ancient mysteries, biography, modern marvels and military blunders, it makes a nice change from dull Hollywood movies, unfunny bloopers and real-life cop shows. Perhaps it concentrates too much on American history but it does offer plenty of intelligent viewing.

Some crap manages to sneak in, though. In a show called The Unexplained, new-age twats and neurotic housewives are given free rein to blather on about ghostly encounters and psychic energy. This show sucks so badly that it creates a near-perfect vacuum around the TV set.

• Continue reading "History Channel: Fill Thailand's knowledge void"

Khao San Road drug sting ordeal

Everyone fears being fitted-up by the Thai police in a fake drug bust. This actually happened to Mango Sauce reader, Patrick. He befriended a Thai girl, Noi, on Ko Pha Ngan. Later, he bumped into her on Khao San Road and she lured him into a trap set by corrupt police officers. This is his story:

I got arrested in Bangkok and nearly ended up in the Bangkok Hilton. The reason I am writing this is that I read an article on your site about buying the police off with 15,000 baht - or if you are unlucky you might come across a straight police officer and then you are toast. (See Smile, you're in Thai jail).

I spent 5 months in Thailand from November until March 2002. I went to Ko Phi Phi, Chiang Mai and Kanchanaburi and then hit Ko Pha Ngan for the full moon party and New Years Eve. On Pha Ngan I met up with about 15 other backpackers from all walks of life. It was great until this Swedish lad said he could get some pills - E.

• Continue reading "Khao San Road drug sting ordeal"

Cheap mobile phone calls in Thailand

Visitors to Thailand can avoid cellphone rip-offs by bringing their own handset and slotting-in a local SIM card. International roaming might be convenient but the price is a total piss-take.

Thailand's most popular pay-as-you-go service is provided by AIS. Their 1-2-Call SIM costs 350 baht (£6/$9) and includes 100 baht of free calls. Calls within Thailand are just 5 baht per minute - saving you around 80%. If you want to fool around with the local girls, this could be important. The folks back home can reach you with an international calling card. This is cheap for them and free for you.

MBK (Mah Boon Khrong), close to Siam Square, is the best place to buy a SIM card but make sure you try before you buy. For a variety of reasons, they don't always work. If you own a compatible handset but your phone company has nobbled the thing, MBK is a good place to get it unlocked.

If the SIM doesn't work but you want to make a lot of calls, you could buy a brand new Nokia 3100 complete with 1-2-Call SIM for less than 3,000 baht (£50/$75) at MBK. Second-hand models are cheaper but the batteries are often duds. Later, you could sell the handset back to the same shop.

Quarterly or monthly Thai visa runs?

Following the hike in Thai visa fees, the free visa-on-arrival now looks like a bargain. You don't have to bother visiting a Thai embassy either - just walk straight through. In future, more long-stay westerners in Thailand may opt for monthly visa runs.

Based on my own trips, I worked out the annual cost of quarterly and monthly visa runs to Kuala Lumpur and Singapore respectively (See Visa run to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and Daytrip to Changi Airport, Singapore). Surprisingly, these two methods now cost roughly the same. If you loaded up with duty-frees, monthly visa runs could actually save you money.

Annual cost	90 day visa (KL)	30 day visa (Singapore)
Flights (incl. tax)	$1,012	$1,607
Connections	$144	$120
Hotels	$252	-
Visa fees (incl. extensions)	$283	-
Total	$1,691	$1,727

• Continue reading "Quarterly or monthly Thai visa runs?"

Questionable Hmong limericks

Yesterday, I emailed a mate and mentioned the Thai hill tribe known as the Hmong. This is what he sent back:

Not to be outdone, another mate came up with this classic:

Suck on that, Shakespeare.

Baiyoke Sky Hotel observation deck

At 84 stories high, the Baiyoke Sky Hotel is the tallest building in Thailand. Using a method of construction usually reserved for tatty shophouses, the tower was erected without a steel frame - making it the tallest reinforced concrete building in the world. Last Saturday, I went to take a look.

It costs 120 baht to admire the best view in Bangkok but getting there isn't as easy as it looks. The base of the tower is hidden within the narrow, congested streets of dingy Pratunam. What on Earth possessed the developers to build their showpiece here? Indeed, when you get up close, it becomes obvious that the place isn't finished.

The elevator ride was breathtakingly quick and the air pressure fell more rapidly than it would inside a climbing aircraft. Like her fellow Thai passengers, my girlfriend stumbled around shrieking and clutching at her ears. It was like the alien death-ray scene in Star Trek. I wish I could replicate the same effect at home - just to keep her in line.

The moving floor of the observation deck takes about 10 minutes to turn 360 degrees. The view is amazing and you can look at things that you would never see from the ground. Interestingly, one of the nicest swimming pools in Bangkok is on the roof of the Nokia building. I knew those buggers were making too much money.

Secrets of Thai bar girl pay revealed

How much do Thai bar girls get paid? Here are their terms and conditions - plus those of brothel workers and massage girls too. The benefits package isn't very tempting but, on the plus side, they get to meet lots of interesting new people.

Bar girls

Bar girls' salaries range from 2,000 to 6,000 baht per month. Here are some of their work rules.

• Only two days off permitted a month, or they must pay 300 baht a day for extra leave days.
• No leave permitted on Fridays, Saturdays and national holidays. Otherwise, fines range from 500 to 1,000 baht a day.
• Must go out with the clients four to 10 times a month or pay fine of 500 baht for each missed quota.
• Must sell 80-100 drinks to clients or pay 30 baht a drink for the missed quota.
• Must have health check-up every three months. If the blood test is positive for sexually transmitted diseases, they will not get the salary for that month.
• Must wear the outfits arranged by the bars or pay the fine of 100 to 200 baht.
• Must not use the clients' restrooms.
• Must not eat during work hours.
• Must buy own drinking water.

• Continue reading "Secrets of Thai bar girl pay revealed"

Oxford-Duden Pictorial Thai & English Dictionary

Imagine that you were asked to describe to a Thai audience the technical failures that lead to the Challenger space shuttle disaster. If you tried to look up "recoverable solid rocket booster" in a normal English-Thai dictionary, you would get absolutely nowhere. Only the Oxford-Duden pictorial dictionary could help.

• Continue reading "Oxford-Duden Pictorial Thai & English Dictionary"

Sex ban shock for Thai MPs

MPs of the ruling Thai Rak Thai party may soon be faced with the unenviable prospect of shagging their own wives. Party Chairman, Somchai Sunthornwat, announced yesterday that the party's candidates will, in future, be "untainted by adultery." Maybe he should have consulted his colleagues first.

Nonthaburi MP Suchart Bandasak said "It's a man's personal right to visit massage parlours or have more than one wife. I'm afraid that if they really implement this kind of rule, they will find no man suitable to be the party's candidate." Bangkok Senator Wallop Tangkhananurak said "What will the party do? Sack every MP caught with a mistress or visiting a massage parlour? And what about MPs who own entertainment places and massage parlours?"

Even the nation's women can't take the proposal seriously. Thicha na Nakhon, a leader of the Women and the Constitution Network, said "The ruling party must not make this kind of promise for fun. Once it has been made, the people will remember and watch. Considering the nature of Thai men, this could be the most difficult pledge of all."

Don't you just love political debate in Thailand? Clearly, Bill Clinton was born in the wrong country.

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