November 30 2003
Alan Partridge's Thai ladyboy lust
Alan Partridge: Tell me about the ladyboys
Celebrity loser, Alan Partridge, is a TV comedy legend. "I'm Alan Partridge: I'm a national broadcaster trapped in the body of regional disc-jockey and there are no operations that can cure that - at least not on the National Health." For Alan, life has hit rock bottom. His wife has left him and he's onto his 49th week at the Linton Travel Tavern.
Alan hides a secret passion for Thai ladyboys. He persuades Michael, the hotel handyman, to recount an army story about Bangkok katoeys but his PA, Lynn, arrives at the worst possible moment.
Alan: Tell me about the ladyboys.
Michael: Oh, you mean them transsexuals. Aye, I've seen them but, you know, they're disgusting. I kept away from them.
Alan: Oh god, yeah yeah. Fascinating creatures though (pauses). Looks like a lady but er... really it's a man. I don't find them attractive, it's just confusing (pauses). I don't suppose you've got any er... army stories about them?
November 29 2003
UBC: Thai satellite & cable TV
Thailand's six terrestrial channels seem to show the same crappy drama 24 hours a day. Rich girl falls for bad boy. Big-haired mum and Benz-driving dad go berserk in their mansion. Siblings, friends and servants pitch in. Later, the bad boy reveals himself to be rich too and they marry. That's it - and there aren't any subtitles either. It's utterly intolerable.
Many apartments offer a cable TV service but this is normally limited to one movie channel, CNN and MTV. Consequently, farang-friendly buildings throughout Thailand sprout satellite dishes like acne.
The choice of satellite TV operators includes UBC, UBC and er... UBC. Yes, it's a monopoly and it behaves like one too - charging whatever it wants and delivering a lacklustre service - but it's the only lifeline in Thailand's TV dead-zone, so we can't get too picky.
November 28 2003
Naphakpapha "Mamee" Nakprasitte: Thai nude actress
Launched to stardom in the Thai erotic blockbuster Mae Bia, sultry Mamee Nakprasitte (20) isn't afraid to get her tits out for the lads when the plot demands it. First spotted by a talent scout on Silom Road, she came third in the Elite Model Look Thailand competition. Too short to work as a fashion model, she decided instead to become an actress.
Mamee felt uncomfortable playing the sexy and often nude Mekhala in Mae Bia. The most embarrassing moment of her life was when she went to see the film with her dad. However, it didn't stop her from allowing the lucky Stuart Laing to lick her delightful brown nipples in her most recent movie, Butterfly Man.
She was working at a friend's stall on the Kaosarn Road when she was spotted by the film's director. He offered her the part of the naughty massage girl who pleasures the film's hero. She says "I didn't need to do much acting; the role and my natural character matched well." I'm sure her farang fans will be delighted to hear that.
November 27 2003
Selling laughs to Thai bar girls
When you need a rest from the attentions of your Thai sweetheart, buy her a comic book like Kăi H??ar?? (Sell Laughs). You might find it interesting too. It's ideal for learning Thai and understanding Thai attitudes. Do you get the joke on the front cover? Be warned - it's not very PC.
November 26 2003
Daytrip to Changi Airport, Singapore
Last week, I went to Singapore but never left the airport. A few hours later I was on my way back to Bangkok. The reason for this strange journey was to extend my Thai visa by 30 days. Following the recent hike in Thai visa fees, the free visa-on-arrival looks like a bargain. You don't have to endure embassy visits either - just walk straight through.
It was a pleasant day out. Changi Airport is Singapore's show-piece. With its gardens, restaurants, TV lounges, fitness centre, internet access and duty-free shopping, it's the next best thing to a holiday resort. There's even a swimming pool. If I'd had five hours to spare, I could have taken a 2-hour sightseeing tour of Singapore - absolutely free. There are five tours a day - 10am, 1pm, 3pm 4pm and 5pm. The booking counter opens at 8.30am.
The facilities at Changi Airport are first-rate and you don't have to fly business class to use them. Four hours in the Rainforest Lounge costs SGD 25 (£9/$13) and includes a shower, free finger food and soft drinks. Optional extras include taking a workout or getting a massage - but you can't combine the two, Bangkok-style.
November 25 2003
Meet farang girls at The Dubliner Irish Pub
On Saturday, I went to The Dubliner to catch the final of the Rugby World Cup on the big screen. A good-humoured crowd of Aussies and Brits cheered on their respective teams. As usual, the few Thais present cheered for both sides.
The Dubliner is an Irish pub run by a real-life Irish couple from Belfast. It feels like one of those Irish theme-pubs you get on every high street in Britain - except it's 6,000 miles away, the food is excellent and all the bar staff are sexy Thai babes. If this pub was in London, you'd never be able to get in.
I had always wondered where ex-pat farang girls go at night. It seems that they all come here. Personally, I've forgotten what it's like with a white woman but surely there must be a few farang guys out there who prefer blondes. If so, you can take your pick here. They will go with you for free! (See Why do farang girls hate Thailand?). The Dubliner chicks have their own ladies night on Wednesdays and over 100 usually turn up.
The other nights of the week are also themed. Monday is backgammon; Tuesday is quiz night; Friday is live Irish music, Saturday is big-screen sport and Sunday is roast dinners. A decent pint of Guinness is 160 baht and there's also a pool table. This pub is a little piece of Farangland transported to Bangkok. Leave your Thai sweetheart at home and come with your mates.
November 24 2003
Bar girl in suburbia #2: Back to prostitution
When a love-sick fool takes his devious Thai sexpot back to suburbia, the relationship is normally doomed to fail. Thai bar girls don't adjust well to life in Farangland and many decide to return home (See Bar girl in suburbia #1: Thai mail order bride). Today, we look at the fate of those who stay.
A bar girl who stays on will eventually find her feet. Her husband might help her to find an unskilled job. He may even be pleased when she meets other Thai girls. What he might not know is that these new friends have their own agenda. Being ex-bar girls themselves, they have big plans for the newcomer. Already accustomed to selling her body, she is a commodity ripe for exploitation.
Her mood improves, the weight comes off and she changes jobs. Now she is working with other Thais - perhaps as a waitress. The hours are a bit strange, though. Her double life has already begun.
November 23 2003
Taking the piss on Soi Cowboy
On Friday night, the piss-testers were out in force on Soi Cowboy. Perhaps acting on a leak, hundreds of Thai policemen swarmed through the bars. Dozens of invited journalists and cameramen had answered the call to watch. The authorities must have given them a tinkle in advance.
The cops were backed up by a mobile lab and a squad of piss-takers. Of course, urine big trouble if you test positive for drugs. Paying for the problem to go away could leave you without a pot to piss in.
Incredibly, the welcome girls were still trying to entice us in but, not wishing to make a splash on the front page of the Bangkok Post, we decided to head off to Nana Plaza instead - even though it's piss poor these days. The indignity of being make to Koh Pee Pee on a public street had no place in our Friday night line-up.
I'm not going to launch into the predictable diatribe about the Thai police neglecting their duties in favour of harassing tourists. Their political masters obviously benefit from the resulting media circus. If the Thais want to sacrifice their tourist industry on the altar of domestic politics, then it's entirely up to them. They seem to make a habit of pissing on their own chips.
November 22 2003
Thai Culture Minister's nipple clamp down
Following its daft ban on songs about extramarital sex, the Thai Culture Ministry is now in a tizzy about nipples popping out on the fashion catwalk. Culture Minister Anurak Jureemas warned Elle magazine against a repetition of Elle Bangkok Fashion Week 2003, in which some models sported plunging necklines.
"We will seek legal amendments to make sure bare breasts are illegal and that both the models and the media are held accountable" said Ladda Tangsupachai, director of the ministry's cultural watchdog centre.
The Minister also ordered the Thai police to act but, sensibly, Police Chief Sant Sarutanond gave his proposal a lukewarm response.
Lecturing others about morality is a risky business - particularly for politicians. Who can forget the back to basics decency campaign launched by Britain's last Conservative Government? It was all quietly dropped in 1994 after the auto-erotic asphyxiation of Tory MP Stephen Milligan. He was found dead, tied to his kitchen table with a plastic bag over his head. Worse still, he was wearing women's stockings and suspenders. However, the most memorable feature of the case was the orange discovered in his mouth.
November 21 2003
World-class Cheap Charlie
I had to laugh when a mate sent me this charming limerick.
What is he trying to imply?
Though I wear my Cheap Charlie badge with pride, I would hesitate before going this far:
There was a young man called Dave
Who dug up a prostitute's grave
She was mouldy as shit
And missing a tit
But look at the money he saved
Some visitors to Thailand might regard this as helpful advice (See Does farang life turn you into a sex freak?).
November 20 2003
Jim Thompson's house and museum
Jim Thompson's house set in lush tropical gardens
Few places are as evocative of a lost age as Jim Thompson's house in Bangkok. Thompson was an American intelligence officer who was stationed in Thailand at the end of WW2. Like many westerners before and since, he fell in love with the place and decided to stay on.
Thompson trained as an architect but his interest lay in textiles. Though the craft was almost extinct, hand-woven Thai silk became his passion. With help from New York Vogue, he promoted the fabric in the West and succeeded in reviving the ancient craft.
Like a latter-day Venetian merchant, he amassed a vast fortune and spent much of it creating a lavish canal-side home in Bangkok. The mansion was assembled from six ancient teak houses collected from as far away as Ayuthaya. Over the course of his life, Thompson filled it with Asian art treasures.
At that time, Bangkok was a city of canals and so the house was built facing the water. Each day, Thompson would visit the silk-makers by boat. When you look out from his study over the lush courtyard garden, you have to admire the guy's vision.
November 19 2003
Does Thailand turn you into a sex freak?
Farang sex freak
When you see a half-dressed old codger mauling ladyboys on a public street, you have to wonder how his life came to this. More importantly, could those of us who stay here too long end up the same?
It crossed my mind that it would be quite amusing to put six naked Thai women on the kind of roundabout normally seen in a children's playground. In a sexy version of Russian roulette you could have your wicked way with one girl and then spin the roundabout when you fancied a change. To add bit of excitement, one of them could be ugly. In Thailand, you could easily find six willing girls. It's finding the roundabout that would be the challenge.
I used to be incredulous when stars like Michael Douglas confessed to a sex addiction. For most people, the chance would be a fine thing - but most people don't live in Thailand. Here, the opportunities for misbehaviour are mind-boggling. Everywhere you go, pretty girls hover like flies. Anyone with a few quid in his pocket can share the suffering of Hollywood's elite.
November 18 2003
Lucy Liu
Despite an obvious preference for men's underwear, actress Lucy Liu isn't a bad looking girl - even at 36 years old. The Queen's-born ball-breaker looks a little shy here as she fiddles around in her knickers but be warned - she studied Indonesian martial arts and is a bit tasty with knives and sticks. Don't piss her off near sharp objects.
Lucy is the daughter of Chinese immigrant parents. Marriage-minded gentlemen will be interested to know that she's still single. She went to New York University, so it's reasonable to assume that she goes like a train.
Lena Li is more my type but I have to confess that Lucy's lesbian kiss in Ali McBeal did tickle my fancy. Her most recent project is the sequel to Charlie's Angels. She might be the best thing in it but I'm not going to sit through 2 hours of pure shite just to ogle some bird.
November 17 2003
Cockroaches, ants and termites
The daddy of all cockroaches
Yesterday, I crunched the daddy of all cockroaches in my bedroom. Seen here, he measures over 100mm. With company like this, it makes sense to sleep with your mouth shut. Whether penthouse or flophouse, you're never alone in your Thai apartment.
Termites are shy insects that prefer to hide in furniture. Last year, my bed collapsed. Sadly, this was not due to my legendary sexual prowess but to the appetite of my hungry termite chums. They had turned the frame into a weak latticework of chambers. Though not normally harmful to man, my Thai girlfriend reckons that a termite in the ear is a serious and painful business.
Tiny black ants complete our trio of mandatory house guests. They don't cause much trouble but, if you rub them up the wrong way, they do bite. Given that their natural habitat is the bathroom, a quick spray from the shower head is usually enough to show them who's boss.
All three are impossible to eradicate but, in a well-managed apartment building, monthly spraying will keep them under control. If, like me, your girlfriend comes from Isaan, take care to remove the resulting corpses before she serves them up as dinner.
November 16 2003
Heart talk: Say what you feel in Thai
Best known for his thrillers, Thailand-based writer Christopher G Moore has ventured into non-fiction to give us a fascinating insight into how Thais describe their feelings with their hearts.
In English we have a few expressions like soft or hard hearted but Thais take their heart phrases much more seriously. Their hearts can be black, cool, diamond, dry, lost, open, merged etc and hundreds of other variations. Moore's book explains 330. It also illustrates the gestures that accompany them.
Thais are never at a loss for an exact heart phrase. However, no Thai/English dictionary covers their full range and subtlety. With its careful descriptions and practical examples, Moore's book comprehensively fills the gap.
November 15 2003
A Thai woman scorned
Last week, my Thai next-door neighbour introduced herself when I was playing pool at Flyers Bar on Sukhumvit Soi 22. I hadn't noticed her before but I knew her Kiwi boyfriend. Somehow, she knew that my girlfriend was away and she said that her bloke was away too. Oh shit - all I want is a quiet life.
She followed me round like a puppy all night (See How to deal with sticky Thai girls). I had to act all neighbourly, so I couldn't tell her to piss off. She gave me the old bullshit about being a good girl but her mates were the hardest-looking pair of bar girls I've seen in a long time. When she discovered that my girlfriend came from Buriram, she acted all superior because she came from Koh Samui. That really boiled my piss.
To cut a long story short, she cadged a lift home in my taxi and invited herself into my apartment - even though I said no. She was banging on about how her boyfriend (my neighbour) was a boring old man of 43. Perhaps the cheeky bitch didn't realise that I'm nearly that age myself. I didn't offer her a drink and yawned a lot before she finally got the hint and left.
Thankfully, her boyfriend comes back from New Zealand in a few days. My ordeal should be over, assuming that she doesn't stir up a shit-storm in the interim. The next knock on my door could be an angry Kiwi with a baseball bat. I've already briefed my girlfriend in case things go tits-up.
November 14 2003
Pantip Plaza: Microsoft Office for $3
By picking up some pirate software, the unscrupulous computer boffin could enjoy a free holiday in Thailand. Let's look at a dream software setup and get it priced:
| Software | US Price | Thai Price |
|---|---|---|
| Microsoft Office Pro | $499 | $3 |
| Adobe Creative Suite | $1,229 | $3 |
| Macromedia Studio | $999 | $3 |
| Norton Systemworks | $100 | $3 |
| Total | $2,827 | $12 |
Our misbehaving tech-head could save himself $2,815. That would pay for a lot of fun in the sun. Obviously, we all feel sympathy for the billionaire victims of this perfect crime but read on to discover how the perpetrators get away with it.
November 13 2003
Don't quote me #4
November 12 2003
Patpong: Putting the sex into Thai tourism
Patpong gogo dancers
For many tourists, taking in a lewd show is the Bangkok equivalent of visiting the Eiffel Tower. I had some curious mates over last year, so I took them to one of Patpong's seedy upstairs bars. These venues are the elephant's graveyard of go-go dancers - a final resting place for the old and feeble. First up was a dreadful old boiler who shoved a banana up her twat. Things only got worse when the dancers came on.
With her wasted body and sunken cheeks, one girl resembled the evil cartoon villain, Skeletor. Her ghoulish appearance was enhanced by some horrendous prison tattoos - crude faces carved into her thighs. She latched onto one of my horrified mates, ignoring his pleas for her to let go. She wanted money first. I told her to fuck off and called the mamasan over. It took three women to drag her away.
Patpong is famous for its tourist rip-offs as well as it's ping-pong balls. Most ex-pats prefer to party in Nana Plaza or Soi Cowboy but there's plenty of fun to be had in Patpong for those willing to make the effort.
November 11 2003
How to deal with sticky Thai girls
Whether nice girls or bar girls, limpet-like Thai women are easy to meet but hard to shake off and they always try to push the relationship too quickly. Sometimes, they act like a jealous wife after a single date. Thais describe this behaviour as sticky.
When a guy shags a bar girl and waves goodbye, he might assume that the matter is finished but it never is. Later, when she sees him with another girl, there could be an ugly scene. This is pretty rich, considering how many guys she's knocking around with.
Nice girls don't sell their bodies but their behaviour is similar in some respects. A friend of mine recently dated an office girl who he met on the internet. Respectable Thai women are supposed to value their virginity, so he was quite surprised at her eagerness to jump into bed on the first date. When they did the deed, however, it was all a bit perfunctory. The following day, she flew into a rage when he wouldn't discuss marriage. Sensibly, he dumped her - by text message.
November 10 2003
Serious blow for Singapore cop
A Singapore police sergeant was jailed this week for getting a blow-job from a woman he met through an internet chatroom. Oral sex is illegal under Singapore law, which states that "whoever voluntarily has carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animals" can be jailed for up to 10 years - or even for life.
Even though the cop's girl willingly sucked him off, the silly cow later filed a police report - getting him banged up for 2 years. Before we get too smug about the silly legal antics of Johnny Foreigner, it's worth remembering that similar laws prevailed in the west until the late 1960's. Britain repealed its anti-blow-job laws in 1967. It wouldn't surprise me if getting gobbled is still illegal in some US States.
In a couple of weeks, I will be doing a quick Singapore visa run. During the short turnaround at Changi Airport, I will be keeping my trousers firmly buttoned to ensure that accidental carnal intercourse against the order of nature doesn't land me in Changi Jail.
Crazed Thai cop kills civilian
It hasn't been a good week for police sergeants. Yesterday, at his Chonburi police station, Sgt Somkuan Riying went berserk and shot an innocent civilian. The unprovoked attack led to a five hour stand-off as fellow officers tried to talk him down. Eventually, they sent in his sister and grabbed him as he hugged her.
November 9 2003
Huge Thai boobs: It's the farang ding dong girls
The farang ding dong girls are a mysterious group of Thai women who have had their breasts enlarged to enormous proportions to satisfy the needs of their boob-loving farang boyfriends.
A single boob job won't turn your Thai sweetheart into a farang ding dong girl. It takes up to six operations to turn her cute handfuls into massive comedy breasts and she has to endure considerable discomfort in the process.
Western surgeons would hesitate before performing such aggressive multiple breast augmentation procedures. However, their Thai colleagues don't have any ethical dilemmas. If a woman wants unfeasibly big tits, she can have them - so long as her boyfriend has the cash.
November 8 2003
Thai Visa and Bangkokchat
Thai Visa hosts the infamous Bangkokchat, the biggest online pickup joint in Thailand (see Farang pervert stalks Thai girls on Bangkokchat). Be careful in there.
The main part of the site offers in-depth info about Thai visa matters together with some business and finance coverage. A frequently updated Thai news section is compiled from a variety of sources and includes only the stories that are of interest to westerners.
You can browse their busy web board - the Thailand Expat Forum - and leave a comment yourself. It covers a variety of topics ranging from night entertainment to farang girls in Thailand.
www.thaivisa.com
www.bangkokchat.org
November 7 2003
Are you a sex addict?
1. When getting a blow-job, do you:
A. Moan approvingly
B. Wish your birthday came around more often
C. Read the newspaper
2. Do you know your Thai girlfriend's full name?
A. Yes
B. I have it written down somewhere
C. I'm not even certain she's a girl
3. How does a game of Connect 4 make you feel?
A. Irritated - it's a waste of time
B. Intrigued - it's harder than it looks
C. Horny
November 6 2003
My lethal anecdote and the Heimlich Manoeuvre
Heimlich Manoeuvre
Last night, a friend of mine nearly died when we were eating dinner together in a local restaurant. I was telling him a funny story when suddenly he got a piece of steak lodged in his throat.
I leapt up and pounded his back in an attempt to dislodge it. An American guy dashed over from a couple of tables away and expertly performed the Heimlich Manoeuvre. Thankfully, my friend coughed up the blockage and was able to breathe again. The swift actions of the American guy may have saved his life.
In contrast, the Thai staff were completely clueless. As he coughed-up half a pint of gunk onto his dinner, they acted like my friend was insulting their food. They took away his plate and didn't return with a bowl.
The moral of this story is that you can't expect Thais to save anyone from choking. Basic life-saving skills are almost unknown here. Read on to find out what to do if you find yourself in the same situation.
November 5 2003
Pata Zoo: Bangkok's rooftop secret
When Pata built a department store in Pinglao, they weren't content with installing the usual multiplex cinema. Incredibly, they turned the roof into a zoo full of gorillas, hippos, tigers and bears. You can even stuff your fingers through the bars. It's surely the work of a madman and has to be seen to be believed.
Pata is just over the river from Kaosan Road, so getting there is no hassle. Admission is 200 baht (40 if you can speak Thai) and you enter a true concrete jungle. The cages aren't very spacious, so you can get up close and personal with the inmates. Heaven knows what the animal rights activists would make of it.
At weekends, they also have a stage show. You can handle a python, see the cycling orangutan, join the chimp's tea-party and laugh yourself to death as two overweight but underdressed ladies perform pitiful magic tricks. There's also a fella with a swollen cheek who gets his hair groomed by monkeys. Forget the Royal barge procession - this is real Thai entertainment.
November 4 2003
Thai PM poised to buy Fulham FC
Thaksin to buy Fulham
Proving that real life is stranger than fiction, it emerged this week that Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra wants to buy Fulham Football Club. He has already had talks with the owner, Egyptian tycoon Mohamed Al Fayed. 10 billion baht is reportedly on the table but Al Fayed says he's not selling.
Mr Thaksin reckons that a precedent has already been set by the purchase of Chelsea by Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich. Like his fellow countrymen, the PM would probably prefer Manchester United or Liverpool but even billionaires (50 billion baht in his case) have to count the pennies. He said that he would be asking other Thai businessmen to chip in.
Mr Thaksin might soon be standing on the touchline at Craven Cottage wearing a camelhair coat but will he ever allow foreigners to own businesses in Thailand? That really would be unbelievable.
November 3 2003
The risks of complaining in Thailand
Recently, a friend of mine was enjoying a drink in a well-known Patpong go-go bar. Without thinking, he paid with a 1,000 baht note. Inevitably, he only got the change for 500. When he complained to the mamasan, she became hostile. After a short argument, she called the bouncers over to throw him out. One of them punched him hard in the face.
When westerners receive poor service or get ripped-off they naturally complain. However, in Thailand, they are often shocked at how badly their complaints are dealt with.
In a similar situation, a Thai would normally remain silent. They know that even the mildest criticism is deeply offensive to a fellow Thai. Once a conflict has started, it can quickly escalate. Fear of losing face (the ultimate humiliation in Thai culture) means that neither side can back down. Faced with either losing face or spilling blood, most Thais opt to say nothing.
This huge cultural difference makes voicing complaints very tricky indeed. Even helpful criticism is unwelcome. If you get bad service it's best just to ignore it and take your business elsewhere.
November 2 2003
What she says and what she means #3
Previously
June 2007
May 2007
April 2007
March 2007
February 2007
January 2007
December 2006
November 2006
October 2006
September 2006
August 2006
July 2006
June 2006
May 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
December 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
